“The absolute worst thing to ever happen in women’s fashion is the recent development of yoga pants as daily wear outside the yoga studio.”
Those were the brave words of Alan Sorrentino, a bachelor from Barrington, Rhode Island, who vented his profound frustrations to a local newspaper recently.
The missive continues, “Not since the mini-skirt has there been something worn by so many women who should never have it on in the first place.
“From casual to formal, weddings, funerals, shopping, and even for the workplace, yoga pants are everywhere on women of all ages, usually paired with a blousy top and a pony tail hairdo. What a disaster!!!”
Sorrentino’s earth shattering pronouncement was met with immediate condemnation from women’s rights groups across the globe. After one angry mob marched on his home and threatened to burn down the town square, the author was forced to retreat from public view.
But Sorrentino’s passionate statement has taken on a life of its own and has raised vital questions for the future of American society.
The hard truth is that seeing a women’s curvature so boldly represented has become a turn off for many men. It leaves little mystery and encourages fear and outrage. Some men even develop sexual dysfunctions due to yoga pants. When that occurs, they seek gratification elsewhere, most often in the arms of other men.
Tracing the origins of the yoga pants trend, it appears that this may have been the intention all along.
Yoga pants are a shocking blend of Lycra, polyester and spandex, pioneered by DuPont chemists with secret ties to the early CIA.
In recent history, the invention of the yoga pants is often credited to Ryan McLatchy, a mysterious figure who is rumored to be financed by a consortium that includes the Clinton Foundation, Goldman Sachs and the Council on Foreign Relations. Yet a deeper look suggests that McLatchy may simply be a crisis actor, a front presented by the gay agenda to disguise the true purpose of the yoga pant fad.
Indeed, it’s widely known that most fashion trends are decided long in advance by secret committees of radical homosexuals. Often they seek to emasculate the men and make our women look increasingly bizarre.
Decoded Tweets and symbolic messages from the Fall 2015 New York Fashion Week suggest that it was designer Alexander Wang who devised this nefarious scheme. Sources say that Wang, an Illuminati kingpin with his own private Caribbean island, was interested in new recruits for the coming homosexual takeover of the major U.S. cities.
The longhaired lothario was reportedly mentored in his efforts by none other than Calvin Klein himself, who a generation earlier was responsible for turning countless men to homosexuality using tight-fitting underwear and salacious advertising. Wang’s conspiracy has won accolades from the elder statesmen of the gay agenda such as Karl Lagerfeld and David Geffen.
In the final analysis, it’s important that we remember that yoga pants are both an affront and a conspiracy. Each time a women ventures out in such outrageous attire, American greatness dies a little. This assault is part and parcel of a larger agenda to destroy our military and make our cities vulnerable to overthrow. The day will come when American masculinity is crushed under the stiletto of political correctness, when homosexuality threatens our hometowns, when female nudity rules the streets, and when that day comes we may finally look back at the yoga pant fad with shame, regret and horror.