Pothheads seem to be popping up everywhere these days. They’re in the pages of the New York Times as well as on our primetime TVs. They’ve muscled in to our political debates and have even laid claim to huge portions of the internet for their very own. But what is this whole scene really about? According to the media, “stoners” come in two types: they’re either buffoonish and harmless or comedic and brilliant. But is this truly accurate?
Today, we’re going to take a look at the characteristics that define the marijuana world, with a specific focus on the truths that make these people so annoying to mainstream society. This is not an indictment of the casual toker. Rather, we’re presenting an unflinching portrait of pot “culture,” a gruesome reality spawned from America’s relaxed attitude towards abuse, addiction and crime.
1. Cancer cures, William Randolph Hearst, “Hemp for Victory,” big pharma, blah, blah, blah…
Pot smokers have an arsenal of topics to throw at anyone who objects to their grim habit. Yet they will never admit that they smoke the drug simply for the high. Yes, they really do love feeling bleary and weak. Often, such escapism is an exercise in extreme selfishness (how else would one describe eating pizza and watching cartoons until dawn?). For nonsmokers, this basic dishonesty about their motives makes us forever distrust the reefer freak.
2. They believe everyone should be smoking pot
The marijuana fiend refuses to believe that some people just don’t want to put their brains at a disadvantage with a drug problem. They’ve somehow convinced themselves that being numb and idiotic is a noble trait. Maybe that’s why they’ll deny the potential for addiction one moment, and then spend hours trying to spread the disease to some braless slut the next.
3. Marijuana becomes a substitute for healthy interactions and exercise
As pot starts to become a recreational habit, the young user will let other aspects of his life suffer. Some stop engaging in sports. Others never take up exercise at the moment when it should be a crucial counterpoint to the sedentary regimen of school or work. In general, the smoker stops seeking healthy outlets of social interactions, opting instead for a tight circle of fellow users. The result is an introverted, anxious person who has begun to look sallow and wane. No, all those days spent “zoning out” in a dark, damp little room does not give you a healthy glow.
4. “But pot has opened up my mind, brah”
It’s rather sad to see the number of people who make this claim. If you honestly believe that the only avenue of mental enlightenment is through coughing your lungs out, then you’re an idiot.
5. Even though they talk about themselves for hours on end, they seem to lack basic self-awareness
How can you be so incredibly hip to yourself and yet fail to notice that you’re still talking long, long after everyone else in the room has tuned out? What the hell are you saying anyway?
6. “Everything goes better with weed”
Stoners are incapable of imagining anything wonderful in the world that couldn’t be improved by a puff of marijuana. Concerts, museums, movies, nature hikes, sunrises, sunsets, intimate intercourse, etc. etc. When they’ve somehow been conned into experiencing these things sober, they’re anxious and distracted, dreaming how much cooler it would be if only they had that little one-hitter.
Sometimes ganja breaks down walls that were constructed to keep the ego in check. There’s nothing less fun than a condescending, derisive prick of a pothead.
8. They’re not as intelligent as they like to believe
Intelligence comes from reading books, applying yourself to learning and actually facing life challenges… It does not come from watching back-to-back episodes of Breaking Bad for five hours straight while your buddies giggle like Cindy Brady.
9. The coughing, the spitting, the stale bunghole odor that hangs off their bodies…
Are you people really unaware of how disgusting you are?
10. Pot makes you lazy, not creative
Whatever excuse you have for me on this one, I’m just going to say, BULLSHIT!
11. They’re conspiracy theorists and gossipmongers of the highest order
The lack of critical thinking in the pot culture is astonishing. They’re willing to believe any bit of nonsense they read on some garish little blog as long as it affirms their drug of choice, but when faced with serious journalistic criticism, they scream lies, bloody lies!
12. The warm, fuzzy comfort of the hivemind
With weakened mental faculties and claustrophobic paranoias, the pothead is utterly terrified of wandering alone in the intellectual desert. The sad result is that every intensely held belief has been so spread around and stepped on by the group as to appear goopy and meaningless. Freedom, repression, Howard Zinn! Yeah, we get it… but when was the last time you had a genuinely independent thought?
13. Weed is the most important thing in their lives
Living arrangements, financial expenditures, friendships, vacations– everything seems arranged around the ganja habit. It’s as if you imbeciles got married to a houseplant. Well, at least you found your intellectual equal.
14. The legalization talk
Do we really need to have the same hours-long conversation every time the topic of pot legalization comes up? You cannot comprehend how incredibly dull you people are. It’s even worse on the internet. Whenever a message board political discussion turns to weed, it’s like a thousand characters from Groundhog Day arriving for a mutual masturbation fest.
15. The only political issue they’re interested in is legalization
The number of voters drawn to the libertarian message this past election season was surprising to some, but when you consider that the majority of young people were only interested in the legalization issue, it paints a sad picture. There’s far more going on in this world than your precious little dope thing, you fools.
16. A lot of them are lowlife scumbags
I know, I know, you’re going to tell me that the skeezy ones are the exceptions. You just can’t admit that there are some real losers in your ranks. Or maybe you’re the skeez we’ve all been talking about?
17. “Let me lecture you about how weed is less dangerous than alcohol…”
Oh shut up! Can’t you people stay focused on a topic for more than two seconds? Who said we were talking about alcohol anyway? I’d smash some sense into you with my beer bottle if I could just get up from my chair.
18. They’re cheap with drugs but not with the hugs
Seriously, why are you hippies so touchy-feely? It’s grotesque, especially considering your bugged-out eyes and that bunghole smell. And if– and this is meant purely as a speculative hypothetical for you potheads reading this– if I ever wanted to try your wonderful Mary Jane, why are you damn niggardly about it??? I thought you people were all about good vibes and sharing? Yeah, go screw yourselves you cheap, selfish bastards.
Maybe it’s the social isolation, or maybe it’s the first signs of schizophrenia… Whatever the case, potheads are strange, strange people! The sad thing is that they have no clue just how weird they really are… Even when they say, “Let’s get weird,” they think they’re being ironic, but most us shudder because we know it’s the truth. You people are FREAKS!
20. They’re dishonest
How many of you are going to read all this and still try to say, “But I’m an artist who reads books and loves my family and my family is so proud that I got a 4.0 GPA and then became the CEO of my own company and I can really take a break from my reefer addiction whenever I want but why would I want to when it’s the most amazing thing in my life? ” Just once I’d like to have someone give me an honest answer: “I’m a lazy bum of a college dropout loser who jerks off all day while watching Workaholics and packing bongs. Don’t tell my Mom. Shit, I think she’s listening outside my bedroom door right now!”