Why are so many culture watchers reluctant to make bold predictions? They love to hide behind vague generalizations rather than pronounce truths that could have real-world financial consequences. We at Hard Dawn suffer from no such weakness. We are not afraid to be brave and visionary. So here today you will find 20 amazing and shocking predictions about how American culture will transform in 2013. Hold onto your hats, folks, because we have a truly insane year ahead of us!
As the Occupy Wall Street movement becomes a distant memory, its image will encourage a good deal of nostalgia and envy. This longing will manifest itself in a new trend of OWS-themed clothing styles. From garbage bag greens to pepper spray reds, expect the most adamant fashionistas to “occupy” long lines as these new looks hit the malls!
Text messaging is commonly thought of as a threat to youth ministry, but forward-thinking technophiles will finally come to realize the potential in brief epistles from a higher power.
2012 was the twilight of the tweens and now their younger siblings are moving in! We predict that the 5- to 9-year old demographic (between child and tweens, aka “chweens”) will rise up and finally demand their rightful place as the true arbiters of American culture.
Young people are avoiding any sexual identity whatsoever in the internet age. Instead, their most intensely erotic relationships are with the world wide web itself. For such internextuals, pronouns and gender roles are the first to go. Their bodies next become flabby and ripe. Then they eschew the idea of human physical contact altogether, becoming little more than a Reddit handle with an affinity for cats, dirty downloads and“soulbonding.”
Now that atheism has gone mainstream, many of its early adopters are looking for a harsher thrill. The next logical step for the anti-God crew is so-called “racial atheism.” It’s an attempt to reinvigorate the movement’s original militant roots by embracing white power racism. Ratheism could have a dramatic effect on the liberal establishment, causing deep divides within the radical socialist community.
Greedy grammar groupies may be grieving at the grave of gay sarcasm and hyperventilating over half-wittedhipster irony, but there is hope for the linguistic lovers of our online lexicon! Alliteration, the most seductive and sublime form of serious articulation, has already achieved an admirable amount of approbation amongst avant-garders and academics alike.
One of the most fascinating fads of 2012 was the “Brony” scene, based on the My Little Pony television program. What adorable small screen character is colorful and outlandish enough to take Pony’s place? None other than Maggie Smith, the star of the hit series Downtown Abbey! She is widely considered to be the intellectual heir of that pompous horsey set. Could an entire web subculture dedicated to every snub and sneerof Dame Smith finally put Brony drown? We can only hope!
8. Penile Pigmenting
First there was anal bleaching and then later vaginal whitening. These types of physical enhancement are set to expire as youths search for a more ethnic and ego-boosting way to express their erogenous zones. By pigmenting the phallus, it will appear large and threatening, much like the horrendous tools we encounter far too often on the internet’s most foul X-rated websites.
9. Math Chic
Will this frivolous geeky habit finally break out into a full-blown cultural fad or even an actual lifestyle? We predict YES!
10. Third Eagle of the Apocalypse
William Tapley has built a massive following on YouTube in recent years. Could 2013 be his tipping point? The man is certainly ready for an international following who worships his spiritual intellect and peerless technological craftsmanship. Plus, the kids love him!
11. North Koreamania
“Gangman Style” was a notably South Korean movement that lured kids into the crazy frenzy of that whacky Asian peninsula. The next territory awaiting invasion is most likely North Korea which happens to fit in nicely with Barack Obama’s communist endgame. Don’t be surprised if next year around this time your and kids are parting their hair down the middle and wearing Mao suits, dancing Pyongyang style to Kim Jong Un’s mad DMZ beats! Psy who???
It’s shocking what children will do to themselves just to get intoxicated. We have seen such reckless trends as “vodka eyeballing” and “butt chugging” ruin lives. Recent attempts to legalize marijuana will likely push young people to take even graver risks. Unfortunately, this makes the tragic combination of sodomy and pot simply inevitable. Whatever marijuananal ends up looking like– and surely we’ll see hundreds of videos of it on YouTube in 2013– it will undoubtedly redefine perversion in America.
Hipsterism may be fading, but the passion for retro cool never dies. One forgotten era that begs to be rediscovered is the fizzy times of the Bill Clinton presidency in the 1990s. Think pantsuits, shoulder pads, big hair, Diet Coke and sexual hypocrisy.
13. Norwegaphiles (tie)
Norway is set to become the favorite cousin of American comedy culture, pushing Canada out of a position that it has occupied for far too long. Yet the transition will not be a traumatic one for those of us at home. Norwegians share many of the same characteristics as Canadians– from their laughable socialism and half-hearted alcoholism to their comical accents and pale, unpleasant bodies– which are all guaranteed to keep us laughing!
14. Extreme Crafting
“Extreme ironing” percolated for many years but never quite went mainstream. Could the warm, homey art of crafting take its place? Imagine scrapbooking at the top of Mt. Everest or crocheting while you kayak with the killer whales in Antarctica! Certainly the hobby could do with a beefy injection of testosterone!
Combining the perversion of radical homosexuality with the passion of militant cyclists is a notably bad idea… which is exactly why America’s liberals are so likely to do it in the year ahead.
Hipster havens like Portland and Austin are old news. What we need is a town that perfectly represents the flaccid and frustrated attitude of America’s newest subcultures. Is there really any better choice than Florida’s very own forgotten coast town of insufferably sun-blistered solipsism?
17. Lexy and Stephany
If you haven’t heard of these two immensely talented young singers, you need to sign up for YouTube right now! Look out Justin Beaver, these gals know how to tag team!
On the nerdy news site Reddit.com, a strain of extreme feminism has evolved beyond everyone’s worst nightmares. The histrionic, virginal masters of this world achieve orgasm by “doxxing,” which is a way of hollowing out a man’s virtual identity through brutal assaults. Once the target has abandoned all hope and his internet self, these grim gals invade his husk with the momentum of a hearty dose of Bangkok clap flooding a john’s testicles.
Can your iPhone turn you gay? The science is still inconclusive, but anecdotal evidence tells us that the vast majority of homosexuals not only own these contraptions, but see them as a central element of their sexual personae (remember the “guys with iPhones” meme, anyone?). Now that the liberal media has taken the offensive step of blacklisting the word “homophobe,” maybe it’s about time the heterosexual community adapt its language as well. For those of us concerned about our masculinity, “iPhonaphobia” is the perfect term for a little pushback.
20. Radical Scientismists
“Scientism” is the rather ridiculous belief that science, and only science, can explain the grand questions of human existence. Professed by the likes of Rich Dawkins and Ricky Gervais, this strange subculture has gotten more belligerent in recent years. Considering atheism’s connection to violent crime, this pro-scientist movement appears to be on the verge of taking the next step, transforming itself into terrorist cells of ratheistic outrage that marches in lockstep with the Al Qaeda model.
Bonus Trend! Masturbullying
As masturbation and cyberbullying both skyrocket in America, it is inevitable that these two trends will meet. Because of the popularity of internet video chartrooms, we are predicting a dangerous new fad of “masturbullying.” In such a scenario, a young person will undress in front of a camera and cruelly bully others into watching as she (or he) gratifies the genitalia until a loud, messy completion.