One of the greatest challenges of getting old is realizing that your children will never amount to anything. They might have seemed so wise and playful and beautiful as toddlers, but today they’re doing everything in their power to crush your dreams.
I used to have high hopes for my kids. They really did seem promising. Somewhere along the line, I blinked my eyes and they changed. Now they’re in their 40s and it’s a sorry sight. In fact, it’s one of the sorriest sights I’ve ever seen.
40-year olds these days are characterized by many unattractive physical attributes. They’re bloated and pink. There used to be some muscle definition to their bodies. Now they’re just sweaty blobs of potato chips and pizza that bang through your life, begging for money and burdening you with their exhausting emotional drama. They wear clothes three sizes too small. The men have constant razor burn and acne on their necks. The women are already sagging. And perfume can’t cover up the smell of what you’ve just done in the toilet. It just makes it worse. Like spraying a diaper with Lysol and then smacking it on the walls of my den.
Somehow all that fat and perfume and acne has cut off normal oxygen flow to the brain because these 40-somethings just aren’t that smart. They do try. They get all flustered and their hearts start racing when they have a thought. But when they cross their eyes a bit and bark out whatever gem of knowledge they want to share, it’s pure imbecility. To me, it’s one of the great mysteries of modern life: How did our children get so stupid?
Common sense is completely lacking in today’s middle-aged people. Maybe that’s because they had such an easy time of it growing up. America was safe and we had President Reagan to see us through the worst. Life was prosperous and moral. I guess without any real hardships, these kids grew up feeling entitled. They never learned to think on their feet, to rebuild a carburetor or scare off a trespasser in a moment’s notice. The unexpected just leaves them dumbfounded. No wonder so many expect the government to take care of all their drama now.
Some of them married poorly. The rest just shacked up with losers. It’s pretty sad to see these couples so emotionally dependent on each other’s failures. They seem to get off on the idea of failure, actually. God forbid one of them actually achieved a whiff of success, those relationships would fall apart in a heartbeat. They need someone to hold tight as they roll around in that mudpit of unemployment and laziness. And I suspect most are either alcoholics or dope heads, too.
It just makes me sad when I look out on the whole lot of them. This generation had such promise. As parents, we had incredible dreams. And now it’s like our kids never left home. They use the internet and their cellphones to harangue us. They all love being liberals because it means a free ride. They’re overweight and slow. A lot of them turned out to be perverts. They stink and they dress like fools. They’re dumber than I ever would have thought possible. Bozos, degenerates, sex freaks, welfare queens, imbeciles, drug addicts, socialists and complete losers… That pretty much sums up today’s crop of 40-year olds. And the worst of it? Every single day we parents have to be reminded that we’re responsible for their absurd existence.