From blogs to memes to Twitter, everyone’s talking about bacon! At first glance, it seems as if the world wide web has simply gone collectively crazy for the savory breakfast meat. No, we’re sad to say, the truth is far more sinister.
So what does “bacon” really mean? The term is so ubiquitous and used in so many different contexts, that most adults are perplexed into indifference about its honest definition. Slang dictionaries are no help. They peg the word alongside “pigs” as a derogatory insult directed at law enforcement. Others suggest that it’s just a delicious culinary trend. So many young people are cooking for themselves these days that this appears to make sense. Our youths have few kitchen talents and bacon is an easy to prepare and nutrient-rich dish. Harking to bacon’s essential glamour in the internet age, food critic Blanche Beecham recently wrote:
“After fire and gravity, bacon is believed by many to be the penultimate accomplishment of man. Whether cold smoked or applewood cured, bacon is an enduring consumable that is enjoyed in nearly every pig populated nation and fictional lands like Middle Earth.”
Yet for many web surfers, the term “bacon” no longer means an essential and substantive part of a daily diet. Grease and sizzle and fat have led them to darker fantasies. Yes, the word today has come to symbolize the erotic. For our young people, “bacon” means a celebration of their awkward sexualities, an attempt to see beauty in their oddly shaped bodies and personal odors, their perpetual loneliness and uncontrollable libidos. It is a testament to just how disgusting the internet truly is.
The thought of sour-smelling twentysomethings throwing aside crusty bed sheets to harass their putrid, sweaty crotch areas for hours on end while Facebooking and avoiding phone calls from Mother is beyond outrageous. But for many, that’s precisely why they find “baconing” so very delightful.
On an explicit level, women use “bacon” as code for the vagina. The folds of the labia have that same angry texture as a slice sautéing on a stovetop. That popping sizzle echoes the noises a woman’s innermost parts make when approaching climax. Deeper inside, the clitoris offers a greasy stickiness that is all too familiar to the female masturbator. She thrills at the imagery of her crinkled meats served up on a plate beside two eggs. It’s the fetish of the fertile and ever famished!
The current fascination with exposing and manipulating a woman’s sexual parts is a very much a product of the liberal feminist establishment. Feminists seek to make “bacon” awareness mainstream. The ultimate goal is to push for a dramatic redefinition of homemaking, cuisines, gender roles and hardcore sexuality. Indeed the multiple layers of meaning behind “bacon” fit nicely into the extremes of Barack Obama’s radical endgame for American culture.
The male definition of bacon is a bit more humble (and humiliating). Quite simply, the unique coloring of bacon is similar to that of the male penis across many different ethnicities. Whether you’re Chinese or black, American or Latino, the male phallus has a purple/reddish hue when erect due to the swelling of the blood vessels. It is decidedly monstrous in its own way, crooked and lumpy, bursting with veins. Bacon, too, has its veins of white fat and both share the traumatized look of abused meat.
Many will also concede that a freshly cooked piece of bacon has the same odor as that of a male erection. It is putrid and earthy, yet titillates our inner hungers. Even when warm, there is a clammy tang that erupts from both.
Boys prefer the term “bacon” because, to be frank, they are intimidated by their penises. The thought that they find great pleasure in touching an engorged male shaft all night long has strong undertones of homosexuality. To hide from this sexual identity confusion, a playful nickname for their funk-drenched members makes masturbation seem like a silly pastime. They can say, “the bacon narwhals at midnight” to mean, My penis will emerge for a perverted and greasy experience at midnight (i.e. intense masturbation using internet pornography). The affiliation between internet pornography, bacon and masturbation is well known and widely condemned. Indeed, it is a truly reckless combination that only underscores how dangerous unsupervised access to the web has become for young people today.
In the final analysis, parents need to understand the dangers of this slang word. Much like jiggaboo or wop, faggot or heeb, “bacon” is a nasty term that has no place on our children’s tongues. We need to do everything in our power to stamp out its existence. Only in doing so can we finally face the shocking amount of self-gratification that happens in our children’s bedrooms on a nightly basis.