The Terrible Meaning of “Bacon,” The Internet’s Most Disgusting Slang Word

Posted on by Doc Bacon

bacon1From blogs to memes to Twitter, everyone’s talking about bacon! At first glance, it seems as if the world wide web has simply gone collectively crazy for the savory breakfast meat. No, we’re sad to say, the truth is far more sinister.

So what does “bacon” really mean? The term is so ubiquitous and used in so many different contexts, that most adults are perplexed into indifference about its honest definition. Slang dictionaries are no help. They peg the word alongside “pigs” as a derogatory insult directed at law enforcement. Others suggest that it’s just a delicious culinary trend. So many young people are cooking for themselves these days that this appears to make sense. Our youths have few kitchen talents and bacon is an easy to prepare and nutrient-rich dish. Harking to bacon’s essential glamour in the internet age, food critic Blanche Beecham recently wrote:

“After fire and gravity, bacon is believed by many to be the penultimate accomplishment of man. Whether cold smoked or applewood cured, bacon is an enduring consumable that is enjoyed in nearly every pig populated nation and fictional lands like Middle Earth.”

Yet for many web surfers, the term “bacon” no longer means an essential and substantive part of a daily diet. Grease and sizzle and fat have led them to darker fantasies. Yes, the word today has come to symbolize the erotic. For our young people, “bacon” means a celebration of their awkward sexualities, an attempt to see beauty in their oddly shaped bodies and personal odors, their perpetual loneliness and uncontrollable libidos. It is a testament to just how disgusting the internet truly is.

bacon2The thought of sour-smelling twentysomethings throwing aside crusty bed sheets to harass their putrid, sweaty crotch areas for hours on end while Facebooking and avoiding phone calls from Mother is beyond outrageous. But for many, that’s precisely why they find “baconing” so very delightful.

On an explicit level, women use “bacon” as code for the vagina. The folds of the labia have that same angry texture as a slice sautéing on a stovetop. That popping sizzle echoes the noises a woman’s innermost parts make when approaching climax. Deeper inside, the clitoris offers a greasy stickiness that is all too familiar to the female masturbator. She thrills at the imagery of her crinkled meats served up on a plate beside two eggs. It’s the fetish of the fertile and ever famished!

The current fascination with exposing and manipulating a woman’s sexual parts is a very much a product of the liberal feminist establishment. Feminists seek to make “bacon” awareness mainstream. The ultimate goal is to push for a dramatic redefinition of homemaking, cuisines, gender roles and hardcore sexuality. Indeed the multiple layers of meaning behind “bacon” fit nicely into the extremes of Barack Obama’s radical endgame for American culture.

The male definition of bacon is a bit more humble (and humiliating). Quite simply, the unique coloring of bacon is similar to that of the male penis across many different ethnicities. Whether you’re Chinese or black, American or Latino, the male phallus has a purple/reddish hue when erect due to the swelling of the blood vessels. It is decidedly monstrous in its own way, crooked and lumpy, bursting with veins. Bacon, too, has its veins of white fat and both share the traumatized look of abused meat.

Many will also concede that a freshly cooked piece of bacon has the same odor as that of a male erection. It is putrid and earthy, yet titillates our inner hungers. Even when warm, there is a clammy tang that erupts from both.

bacon3Boys prefer the term “bacon” because, to be frank, they are intimidated by their penises. The thought that they find great pleasure in touching an engorged male shaft all night long has strong undertones of homosexuality. To hide from this sexual identity confusion, a playful nickname for their funk-drenched members makes masturbation seem like a silly pastime. They can say, “the bacon narwhals at midnight” to mean, My penis will emerge for a perverted and greasy experience at midnight (i.e. intense masturbation using internet pornography). The affiliation between internet pornography, bacon and masturbation is well known and widely condemned. Indeed, it is a truly reckless combination that only underscores how dangerous unsupervised access to the web has become for young people today.

In the final analysis, parents need to understand the dangers of this slang word. Much like jiggaboo or wop, faggot or heeb, “bacon” is a nasty term that has no place on our children’s tongues. We need to do everything in our power to stamp out its existence. Only in doing so can we finally face the shocking amount of self-gratification that happens in our children’s bedrooms on a nightly basis.

 

About This Journalist

Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inoculate citizens against our nation’s pandemic of socialism, scientism and sexual perversion.

  • Grazi Azevedo

    If the Internet is disgusting, why are you in here?

    • Jay Dee

      Cause he didnt know when he first joined. Also, why leave, why not try and denounce the disgusting people until they fvk off? Yours is the dumbest retort one can ever make.

      • BearDAD

        Except for yours.

        • Jay Dee

          Wow, what a comeback! Sensational.

          • BearDAD

            Seems you can dish out banal bs but can’t take it? LOL

          • Jay Dee

            I came back to this post to see your new comment with a certain apprehension, but you did not dissapoint, it’s absolutely amazing..!! :))

          • Abba Scodilli

            :-/

  • dan

    I fucked a bacon sandwich.

    • Jay Dee

      Such a mastery of the literal and figurative…

    • lauranimist

      I AM a bacon sandwich. XXX

  • Bacon Ponder

    “After fire and gravity, bacon is believed by many to be the penultimate accomplishment of man.”
    So what is the final accomplishment of man?

    • randomfactor

      Woman.

      • KnottyButtProper

        Wrong! You’ve that ass backwards hun!

  • Blanche Beecham

    We need to start limiting the meaning of words (one or two meanings per word should be sufficient) so people can understand each other. This bacon sideshow needs to be taken down.

    I don’t need sexual fungling mixing with cured meats on my Denny’s menu. I just want breakfast.

    • VERAC1TY

      WHAT DOES IT MEAN.IT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE.

    • Jay Dee

      People who enjoy meat should be murdered i. The same way the billion animals they ate were.

      • Abba Scodilli

        I love meat! I always eat a ton after a grueling session at the gym! Pork chops and chicken breasts! Oh, and rice. Corn too probly 🙂

    • Abba Scodilli

      Wow Blanche! Something that I can agree with you on! Progress!!!!

    • Peggy Corriveau

      Fucking Prude

  • VERAC1TY

    WHAT DOES BACON REALLY MEAN?

  • True2theDivine

    This is the stuff retards do. And to think everytime some stupid kid calls her man Bae shes actually calling him a lump of poop. I get satisfaction in knowing that some of these stupid words kids come up with end up meaning bad deragatory things. As for the people that call cops pigs and bacon I got a video for ya https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbOtyWTRZ_g

  • judy thomas

    The word “bacon” is only disgusting when it is used to fake a doctorate degree, Dr. “Bacon.”

  • Judy

    I think it’s sad that when Dr Bacon looks at his breakfast, all he sees is a male erection. Doctor, have you sought psychiatric care?

  • lol

    lol, in jail a bacon is a kiddie fiddler

  • BearDAD

    I have never laughed so hard in my life. You Sir, are a true comedian.

  • Maximillian Wolf

    You guys are seriously giving me a nasty headache with all of my facepalms after having read your tinfoil-hat-wearing, batshit crazy conspiracy theorist articles. The worst thing that things like this is that most people are stupid. There are actually people who are stupid enough to believe this nonsense! After all, if you believe that snakes talk, people live over 600 years of age, that a man lived in a whale’s stomach for three days and nights without being digested by stomach acid, that virgins give birth, that a person can transmogrify into NaCl (salt), and that a man who is good, righteous, noble, chosen by God and worth saving (in a city full of decadent sinners in need of God’s vengeance) is the same one who offers his two virgin daughters to a rape mob and later deflowers and impregnates them himself while allegedly drunk……………….you’ll believe anything!

    • lauranimist

      I heard of a guy in China who lived to be 246, so it’s possible with the cleaner air back then

    • OJDrinker

      Didn’t Lot’s daughters have husbands?

  • Abba Scodilli

    This site seems to have some small-minded very misguided authors. Wow, so disturbing… How they twist a religion into such intolerance! You do know that ‘God’ was probly an alien, ya? And hating on body parts?!? If we didn’t use our ‘bacon’ there would be no more followers to preach yer ‘views’ to… If anyone of you people believe any of this drivel…

  • radio

    cant decide if troll-site or just retarded

  • Peggy Corriveau

    Is this the Onion for conservatives. Because this is a bunch of Bullshit!!