In a move certain to make many liberal heads explode, President Donald Trump appointed a beloved golf cart from his West Palm Beach club as the next Deputy Director of the National Institutes of Health with direct oversight of Dr. Anthony Fauci.
The announcement came in a 3am Tweetstorm that included attacks on Hillary Clinton’s handling of the Tide Pod Pandemic and praise for Alex Jones’ new line of “Coronavitamin” health supplements.
Secret Service agents are in the process of securing the cart, nicknamed “Swifty,” in its stable at the Trump International Golf Club overlooking the beautiful Palm Beach County Main Detention Center in West Palm. The modified hunter green EZ-Go Freedom RXV will soon be transported to its new marble-walled office in Bethesda, Maryland and is expected to have a busy schedule of elaborate dinners with pharmaceutical lobbyists.
Critics of the President condemned the appointment on Facebook. New York Senator Chuck Schumer posted a ten-minute video on executive overreach and his 47-point plan for job creation in the pandemic economy. In a comment on AOC’s fanpage, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi even threatened to bring a lawsuit against the Oval Office in San Francisco courts after the November election.
Meanwhile, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell lauded President Trump’s action, noting that it projects an image of strength and innovation in the face of America’s entrenched governmental bureaucracy.
“The NIH needs more employees not swayed by science fads like mortality rates,” McConnell told Fox News’ Sean Hannity, “I’m confident that Director Swifty will stand firm against the dual threats of China and Obamacare while we get Americans back to work saving the Dow Jones Industrial Average.”
Senator Lindsay Graham went even further in his praise. “Everything the President does is perfect,” he gushed, “and I want everyone in South Carolina to forget about me being the bitch of a bunch of billionaires’ SuperPacs and remember that I’m also Trump’s little bitch because the last thing I want is for the voters to send me back home to Seneca where you couldn’t find a male masseuses for three hundred miles!”
In making the announcement, President Trump revealed that Deputy Director Swifty would be donating his salary to the Trump Organization’s New Green Deal™ initiative that funds discounts at select golf courses for members of the military, seniors and families who are suffering emotionally due to leftist environmental policies.