Is Your Local Homosexual Bar Recruiting for the Cult of RuPaul?

Posted on by Stephenson Billings
Titillating televangelist RuPaul will not stop until all of America is “dragged” into her cult.

In the war for drag domination, RuPaul has weaponized all of America’s television sets.

The young businessman awoke naked in a downtown hotel room. He had vague memories of wandering into a strange bar the night before. Flashes of flamboyant gowns and swarthy, shirtless men crowded his aching head… Beside him, on the bedside table, he suddenly noticed an enormous beehive wig.

He ran to the bathroom.

There, scrawled on the mirror in hot pink lipstick, were the devastating words:

“Welcome to the wonderful world of drag!”

You may have heard this tragic tale of Roy, the traveling salesman. He got mixed up with a gang of female impersonators from the wrong side of the tracks and never looked back. He’s what they call a “drag queen” now. You can thank a lady by the name of RuPaul for that. She’s a television star with a dark secret.

Would you like to hear it?

This Hollywood heavyweight is much more than the international playgirl she pretends to be. She’s much more than the zillionaire business tycoon that accountants in Manhattan office towers whisper about. More than any of that, she’s the spiritual leader of an underground railroad of fugitive drag queens who are escaping convention and wreaking havoc all across America!

Beware Ru’s magic maidens! They’re untamed and unashamed! They laugh at danger and play at love! Every week they hit the streets looking for fresh meat. And you just might be next up on their musky menu of tawdry temptation!

Propaganda poster for RuPaul's local recruitment drive.

Propaganda poster for RuPaul’s local homosexual recruitment drive.

Like a seminar for a West Florida timeshare, the pressure is intense.

We’re here at the hardcore homosexual bar in the gritty part of town.

Flashing lights and loud disco music confuse you as you enter. The saucy bartender stands ready with his cocktails out. They are suspiciously frothy. There will be salted snacks and ample “manwhores.” One of them will feel up your thigh and offer to show you the toilets. But there’s no time!

Before you know it, Ru’s painted ladies will roll in a television set. You’ve been shanghaied into a sixty-minute presentation of, “The Joys of Drag.” There will be spontaneous testimonials, shrieks of Hallelujah! and lots of clapping. Oh, the clapping will be deafening! By the end of the night you might even find yourself singing along to old dive bar ditties like “Cover Girl” as the conga line of mustachioed young men sashays you straight into a bathroom stall!

But the next day, you’ll wake up jonesing for all that jazz. You’ll provoke debates about Alaska with random strangers at bus stops. You’ll cry at the mention of Tatiana’s name and you’ll click and click on Katya’s Instagram until you can click no more.

Then the hunger will start to grow. You’ll scour the underbelly of Twitter, you’ll trade gossip in the grimy alleyways of Reddit, you might even post weepy, pleading messages on Jonny McGovern’s YouTube channel!

At your lowest depths, when you just can’t take that ache anymore, you’ll find yourself cruising the aisles of Party City in a delirious daze. And when you’ve finally drowned yourself in a bucket of sequins and blush, shaved your back and tucked yourself with an extraordinary amount of duct tape, Madame Ru will reappear on that mystical screen to give you one more taste of her wicked wares!

This is what addiction looks like, people!

Clockwise from top left: Glazed cruller Carson Kressley; Fan favorite, Alyssa Edwards; Backstage Ruben, RuPaul’s overzealous personal assistant; Elimination drama; Soviet sensation Katya Zithromycin;Pearl, just because.

Clockwise from top left: Glazed cruller Carson Kressley; Fan favorite, Alyssa Edwards; Backstage Ruben, RuPaul’s overzealous personal assistant; Elimination drama; Soviet sensation Katya Zithromycin;
Pearl, just because.

Tens of thousands of gay bars have signed up for the Drag Race movement. That translates to over 50,000 drag queens! That’s right, each and every week a vast army of magic maidens is mobilized all across America. They take over the streets and command millions more to watch RuPaul’s sticky emissions! And that number is only growing!

This cross-dressing crisis is like no other. No one knows how much shade is thrown in that single evening. No one knows how many damp dollar bills are stuffed in the jockstraps of all those go-go boys. Spectacular quantities of vodka cranberry are consumed! There will be twinks and Marys, jocks and art fags, leather men and showtune queens, power bottoms all! And just when it looks like the drama is winding down, the disco music pumps up and all at once, from Savannah to Seattle, the sleazy grinding gay dancing begins!

This is what a national emergency looks like, people!

Bianca Del Rio

Roy, a.k.a. “Bianca Del Rio,” today.

A little over a year ago, an investigative journalist discovered that RuPaul is hiding an enormous secret beneath her glamazonian gowns.

In that groundbreaking report, many were shocked to learn that RuPaul is using the Drag Race television series to build an Illuminati cult loyal to her every whim. Recently decoded Tweets from Michelle Visage have added new fears. Now there’s genuine panic at the palace! Ever wonder why Carson Kressley looks glazed like a Krispy Kreme donut on the program? It’s the brainwashing, people! He could be the next victim of a Party City glitter bomb. It certainly explains why Ross Matthews is so nervous whenever Michelle glares his way. This is a “take no prisoners” revolution! No one, not even the loyalists in Ru’s inner circle, will be spared the mandatory drag makeovers!

There’s no better example of the dangers of drag than Roy, the shower curtain salesman we mentioned at the beginning of this piece. After this young man’s night at the hardcore homosexual bar, he traded a promising career in plastics for a lurid one in latex. He changed his name to “Bianca Del Rio” and now Bianca’s trail of tears has stretched from the Big Easy to the Big Apple, and every bottom-infested borough in between. “Stretched” being the operative word here, people!

For Boofy

  • Blanche Beecham

    “Drag” is not a celebration of women; it is a mockery. While Our Future President Donald J. Trump is stripped naked in the town square by the media, whipped with thin glove leather cat-o-nine-tails until his body is licked with rivulets of pinkish marks and sweat for potty talk on a show that celebrates “access”, shows like this “Drag Race” are lauded and given golden idols as rewards.

    Women do not deserve to be mocked by these cartoonish representations of feminine beauty. They each try to envoke the whore of Babylon, her writhing scarves drawing in men to her orbit, only to burn brightly for a moment and disappear. It is immoral!

    Women are born this way, beautiful and bright, not manufactured or to be redefined as raccoons with all the goop around the eyes and fake bosoms.

    • Cuntessa of Tamponia

      Ms. Beecham, you are joking, right?

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      You tell ’em Blanche!

      I am so outraged by this and by Obama’s attempts to steal our freedom and lock us up in these hardcore homosexual bars I just want to cry.

      I will never be caught DEAD in drag queen clothes! I love my sparkles and wigs but it’s a feminine thing, not some night life disco show when I dress up!

    • Stephenson_Billings

      I’m more worried that they’re mocking my heterosexuality with their sensually transgressive transvestitism! It’s an all out assault on America’s most sacred value and Obama and all the communists totally condone this because they’re afraid of Trump and a return to traditional American greatness!

    • Cassidy Pen

      I have to agree with your sentiments. I had my suspicions with the entertainment sector of society ways back when that Freddy Mercury fellow came out with them spandex tights and did them poser anthems. It was full out-of-the-closet when he had the pornography ‘stache.

  • Centipedes4Christ

    Is it any surpise that radical homosexuals are the big supporters of marijuana legalization? And do you know who profits the most from all this? The elite corporations run by the Federal Reserve which has been corrupted by homosexual sin since the 1800s which is why the fashion industry has gotten so effeminate with all those tight shorts and skimpy male underwear and when you go to the gym everyone shows that off in the locker rooms like you wouldnt believe.