The 10 Most Dangerous Secrets of the Radical Homosexual “Gay Bar”

Posted on by Stephenson Billings

It’s raunchy. It’s violent. It’s one of the most suppressed news stories in the liberal media today. It’s the truth about our nation’s late night hardcore gay underground scene. I beg you not to read any further unless you absolutely must. For parents of young men, however, this information is crucial. It may even save your child’s life. So please, sit down and prepare to be emotional as we plunge into the darkest, sweatiest and most shocking depths of the radical homosexual underworld.

UntitledPicture a garbage-strewn alleyway in a big city ghetto. There’s a heavy wooden door at the end, illuminated by a sinister red glow. All night, men have crept here wearily, praying they haven’t been followed. Inside, the thumping music and flashing disco lights are calibrated to confuse. You steady yourself against the sensory onslaught and then an horrific tableau of perversion sharpens into view.

Drag queens stand on grimy tables belting out gassy show tunes. Deviants disguised as cops, cowboys and leathermen line up at the bar. Half-naked Latinos gyrate their bountiful sacks whenever the mood strikes, whipping up instant crowds who offer histrionic shrieks of “You go, girl!” for these tropical fruits. In one corner, an older “sugar daddy” beckons a long-lashed runaway with a crumpled dollar bill. The teen stretches out his pickpocketing fingers and examines the expert tailoring of the man’s exquisite dinner jacket. A hairless Asian strikes a figura serpentinata pose for a muscled gym rat. The fresh-faced former farm boy responds by moistening his bare nipples with a finger of spit and an imagination of astonishing depravity. You’ll find effete intellectuals in heavy mascara sprinkled throughout this scene. They’re here to prod the shrill chatter to deafening heights of sarcasm and sass and Socrates. Then there’s the thugs, the gang bangers and “down low” boys, whispering about bathroom stall ganja blunts and their 12 inch toys. And here tonight, amidst the designer handbags and over-sweetened cocktails, all of these farcical men will spend countless hours groping each other’s buttocks for buoyancy and a bountiful billfold. This vital information will come in handy during the final, frantic chaos of “Last call!”

gaymanYet there’s something more to the gay bar… Down every hallway and behind every door there is a darkness where unspeakable acts unfold. Woeful cries only hint at the deep chasms of horror being explored. When the decadence reaches a fever pitch, a parade of victors will emerge from these murky depths. An obscene ritual, rarely seen by outside observers, is thus performed. The anal aggressors, the “tops” in slut slang, gather to twirl a swarm of hard-won jockstraps overhead in rapturous unison. The carnal choreography celebrates the crude deflowering of the gay world’s newest recruits, a deflowering that was written in fluids and tears, only moments before, on the unforgiving walls of this late night hell… And yes, it does get much, much worse than this.

1. Bartenders: Shirtless, Sassy & “Straight”
To taunt the gay man’s fraudulent masculinity, homosexual establishments employ heterosexual bartenders of clichéd good looks. The most important element of the job is that they parade around completely topless to the oogles and awws of the lusty alcoholics. While these men may be straight, they’re often “gay for pay” for the most generous tippers. At the end of the night, it’s not uncommon for a barkeep to reward his favorite patrons with a damp, grinding lap dance.

2. “Voguing” to Mark One’s Territory
Much like a dog urinating on a fire hydrant, urban queers lay claim to spaces within the bar through a flamboyant type of ethnic prancing known as “voguing.” With catwalk strides and elaborate hand gestures, the gay lets you know not to trespass on his fierce realm of gossip and “girlfriends” or else you’ll get an Appletini in the face.

3. Butt Chugging
The act of consuming alcohol through the rectum made headlines earlier this year when a student in Tennessee nearly died attempting it, but the practice has long been common in elitist homosexual circles. (The lesbian version of this is “vodka tamponing.”)

4. The “I Know You From Grindr” Grin
The gays have created a very unusual mobile phone database called “Grindr.” Using global positioning software, they can look up the specialized perversions of any man in a hundred mile radius, even before they’ve formally met. With a few taps on your iPhone you can discover that a potential mate’s fetishes include such things as “power bottoming,” Liza Minnelli and ejaculating on 500-thread count sheets.

5. Secrets Codes of Kinky Communication
The Hanky Code, SmurfCode and The Natural Bear Classification System ( NBCS) are the three most common ways homosexuals quietly signal the extremes of their abnormality. A fuschia kerchief in the back pocket, for instance, says that you like to be spanked while in the “Smurf scene” a “y++” designates that you’re young and dumb.

gaybar

6. Twilight “Twink” Zone
Emaciated and smelling of sour human vices, “twinks” are a type of man-child that garner little sexual interest in the real world. Yet somehow the darkness of the gay bar transforms these pathetic, unathletic geeks into highly-desirable erotic acrobats, willing to trade a quick handjob for a frothy Margarita.

7. Urinal Masturbation
For normal people, the toilet is a place of feces and urine, but for radical homosexuals it’s a veritable meat market of veiny delights. You will find dozens of men gathered in these spots, revealing the full girth of their manhoods. Shrewd and skeptical onlookers crowd in to shop the options with all the ferocity of expert coupon clippers.

urinal8. Ganja, the Gay Recruitment Tool
Narcotic marijuana is often seen as simply a deadly street drug, but its role in perpetuating homosexuality is beginning to be recognized by health officials. “Pot” lowers inhibitions and clouds the mind, making it a dangerously effective way to lure naïve young men into the slimy world of late night anal experimentation.

9. Pickup Move: The “Bear Belly Orbit”
Heavyset, hairy-chested men known as “bears” are a prized conquest in this strange underworld. To signify erotic intent, a gay on the prowl will circle the bear in a “voguing” fashion at least three times to attract attention. When the bear caresses his beard, it means he’s intrigued and wishes to see the twink vogue a bit more. If the ensuing performance lives up to expectations, the bear will offer the young man a spot on his lap and a fresh can of beer.

10. The “Dark Room”
As the name suggests, this is a room of utter evil, yet it is considered the most hallowed space in gay “culture.” To enter the gay bar’s secret pit of blackness, one strips down to his loafers and gym socks and announces his arrival with a loud whistle. Suddenly a game of musical chairs erupts, with every man rushing to find an erect phallus to sit on. As the next man enters and whistles, the game begins again. Anyone left standing is mocked and mercilessly ejected, forced to traverse the bar with his clothes in a sticky, bundled mess as he fumbles for the keys to Mother’s car, saddened by the thought that he will miss the legendary jockstrap finale that everyone’s been talking about.

Bonus Secret: The Cigarette Syndrome
The more promiscuous a homosexual, the more likely he is to smoke. Cigarettes offer a straightforward way to open up a conversation with a stranger and examine a potential sex mate under a streetlamp. When an erotic escapade goes horribly wrong, the cigarette is also a handy way to escape from the bar with the excuse of “I’m going outside for a smoke!”

 

  • Bea

    I have so much to say about this I don’t even know how to begin to respond to this.

    First of all the absolute stupidity that this is written with makes me wonder how you received any kind of doctorate.
    Your “keen observations” are not just incorrect and clearly written by someone with a clear hatred towards anything homosexual, but they go beyond that and straight into offensive, hurtful, and demeaning.
    You describe homosexual men as if they are the most perverse creatures to walk this earth when, in actuality they are just like any other human being on this planet. All humans are prone to behave obscenely, straight Christian men and women included.
    While I am sure that there are a few clubs similar to the one which you have described within the “red light district” although, I have been to many, many gay-bars and none of them were anything like what you depict it to be.
    Not every gay man wants to lure some poor innocent naive young man into the “deep dark depths of sexual perversion” in fact, of the 50+ gay men who I have known throughout my life, none of whom have expressed such goals. Most of the homosexual men I know and have known are seeking a life partner, the same as a straight man seeks a wife to share his life with.

    I am a firm believer in the freedom of speech, though somehow I wonder if our founding fathers had people with your kind if hateful bigotry in mind when they jotted down the First Amendment.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      “You describe homosexual men as if they are the most perverse creatures
      to walk this earth when, in actuality they are just like any other human
      being on this planet.”

      Sorry dude, I’m not goijng to do any of the things desribed in this article, never in my wildest imigantion.

  • Bea

    I have so much to say about this I don’t even know how to begin to respond to this.

    First of all the absolute stupidity that this is written with makes me wonder how you received any kind of doctorate.
    Your “keen observations” are not just incorrect and clearly written by someone with a clear hatred towards anything homosexual, but they go beyond that and straight into offensive, hurtful, and demeaning.
    You describe homosexual men as if they are the most perverse creatures to walk this earth when, in actuality they are just like any other human being on this planet. All humans are prone to behave obscenely, straight Christian men and women included.
    While I am sure that there are a few clubs similar to the one which you have described within the “red light district” although, I have been to many, many gay-bars and none of them were anything like what you depict it to be.
    Not every gay man wants to lure some poor innocent naive young man into the “deep dark depths of sexual perversion” in fact, of the 50+ gay men who I have known throughout my life, none of whom have expressed such goals. Most of the homosexual men I know and have known are seeking a life partner, the same as a straight man seeks a wife to share his life with.

    I am a firm believer in the freedom of speech, though somehow I wonder if our founding fathers had people with your kind if hateful bigotry in mind when they jotted down the First Amendment.

  • Luke 9:23

    You are a brave man to put yourself in this sort of danger.

  • mlpjlk01

    This is a parody site, correct? I have not laughed so hard is a very long time. After traveling the globe and visiting gay bars, I have never seen the activities Steve writes about. His “articles” are so funny!

    • Stephenson_Billings

      My name is Stephenson, thank you.

      Pervert.

      • mlpjlk01

        Stevie..where did you discover these dangerous ritual secrets? Were you doing hands on undercover work or did you do your fact finding from the focus on the family website?

    • Jane Roxanne Beamon

      God, I hope so, I’m laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants.

  • Jane Roxanne Beamon

    I’ve no doubt that the author researched this extensively. Nothing like hands on (a-hem) experience.

    • Stephenson_Billings

      Thanks for your support Jane and God bless!

  • Eugene Munn

    Either this is a Joke …. or you, sir, are the dumbest “doctor” on this planet. As a 60 y/o homosexual I’ve been to gay bars from NYC to Miami to Denver and have never ever had anything remotely happen like you describe here. Str8 christians (NO capital “C”) fear what they do not understand, which is anything that isn’t written down in a 2,000 y/o book which has nothing what-so-ever to do with life today. And exactly what is this “Gay Agenda?” At my age you’d think someone would have explained it to me by now? And, dumber-then-dirt person, why would anyone think gays would “choose” to be this way? You assume I chose to be beat-up in Jr. & Sr. high school, to be dis-owned by my entire born-again christian family (35+ persons), to be yelled at by the christians next door, etc. If your god is all-knowing-all-seeing, then why didn’t he snap his fingers and prevent the little boy next door (same age as I was) who was the 1st other person I had sex with (we were both 9)? These are the last ditch efforts of a dying religion trying to prevent the enevitable outcome of loosing their control of this country, which they seem to believe belongs to them.

  • DL

    I must say, what you have stated is a stereotype. In my opinion it is the equivelent of stating that all black people steal and are incapable of reading. Now, I must also say this is incorrect for it is a genralization based apon no data what-so-ever. So, how can you support your case at all? My evidence for my point is basic.
    You have most likely never been to every individual gay bar on earth. So, you cannot likely say that this occurs in all of them.
    Your entire journal entry is just an introduction. There is no evidence, you have a conclusion with a list of statement following afterwards.
    Also, your observations are not specified, you don’t state where you observed this or how many places. This causes a falter in your point because if you only observed one place, how can any person come to the conclusion that it applies to all place?
    Well, as advice for you, explain your statement with thought, then analize multiple homosexual bars in various areas, then proceed to record your observations, strengthen that with the opinions of others who observed gay bars too, then come to your conclusion. Once you have done all of this you should then proceed to label all of your sources. For a doctor you seem to have forgoten the scientific method, for nothing about your journal entry has any evidence other than your flawed observations, it comes to a conclusion with no valid reasoning, it is an unsupported, biased, generalization that brutally goes after all homosexuals, and in my opinion (in which whether you care or not doesn’t matter but comes to my conclusion) your are merely an ignorant, stubborn, blind individual who hates gays so much that he wrote a message without thought.

  • Daniel

    Its close… however not all clubs have a dark side, but I use to DJ in Los Angeles, and was part of a community that had many secrets and underground locations. They had rooms called the primitive rooms where anything was invited (pan-sexual). I have seen some nasty situations where I was thankful I was the DJ in a booth far way from some of these people. The gay nightclub scene wasn’t just the only place to play. I was DJing for an S&M club, but the owner had another club several floors above the ground and no cameras, electronics were allowed. You had to remove all clothing, except undergarments to even walk into the club. No servers on the floor, only behind the bars, and the people were very open minded. This article is well written, and just because he uses all the none PC terms doesn’t mean he is not far from the truth. For those who limit their interest should take in consideration a world you may never be invited to, only because you are close minded.

    • Aika Amori

      I been to some dark places..I will admit there is definitely a dark alley in gay culture. And it is well hidden by the fact that gay guys are always happy… some lead very sad dark lives filled with drugs and selling their bodies for money… You won’t see much in MOST gay clubs though,, as they are usually completely professional. In the S&M here it is very sexual but not any more so than a straight club…just the usually strippers and all. I never had to dress down thankfully xD

  • Gay Seekinggay

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  • Todd Autman

    Lol being gay this makes me laugh. Dark room? None of the gay bars I have been to have a dark room… sounds made up. It is illegal on all the bars I have been to have sex of any kind in the bathroom. Most gay bars are filled with straight women and sometimes their open minded friends or boyfriends.. do you really think women would go to a gay bar of all that crap you just said actually went on? Gay men often avoid men who they do not kn is are gay for this reason so straight men you are safe. These bars have lesbians as well. Gay bars are really just hyper danceing spots with alcoholic beverages and snacks… a place to socialize dance and hang out, perhaps meet new people etc.

  • Mike

    I sometimes go into Dallas to see gay hookups but have on a number of occasions been approached by what I would call cannibalistic appearing gays. although all my life I have fantasized about being taken down and sexually abused and then cannibalize sometimes I wonder if there are guys out there that would do that I get so turned on by just a thought of that being done to me.

    • Aika Amori

      go make a dark virtual reality porn game… that way you can have it…but not just once…because you wont actually loose body parts the first time