It’s raunchy. It’s violent. It’s one of the most suppressed news stories in the liberal media today. It’s the truth about our nation’s late night hardcore gay underground scene. I beg you not to read any further unless you absolutely must. For parents of young men, however, this information is crucial. It may even save your child’s life. So please, sit down and prepare to be emotional as we plunge into the darkest, sweatiest and most shocking depths of the radical homosexual underworld.
Picture a garbage-strewn alleyway in a big city ghetto. There’s a heavy wooden door at the end, illuminated by a sinister red glow. All night, men have crept here wearily, praying they haven’t been followed. Inside, the thumping music and flashing disco lights are calibrated to confuse. You steady yourself against the sensory onslaught and then an horrific tableau of perversion sharpens into view.
Drag queens stand on grimy tables belting out gassy show tunes. Deviants disguised as cops, cowboys and leathermen line up at the bar. Half-naked Latinos gyrate their bountiful sacks whenever the mood strikes, whipping up instant crowds who offer histrionic shrieks of “You go, girl!” for these tropical fruits. In one corner, an older “sugar daddy” beckons a long-lashed runaway with a crumpled dollar bill. The teen stretches out his pickpocketing fingers and examines the expert tailoring of the man’s exquisite dinner jacket. A hairless Asian strikes a figura serpentinata pose for a muscled gym rat. The fresh-faced former farm boy responds by moistening his bare nipples with a finger of spit and an imagination of astonishing depravity. You’ll find effete intellectuals in heavy mascara sprinkled throughout this scene. They’re here to prod the shrill chatter to deafening heights of sarcasm and sass and Socrates. Then there’s the thugs, the gang bangers and “down low” boys, whispering about bathroom stall ganja blunts and their 12 inch toys. And here tonight, amidst the designer handbags and over-sweetened cocktails, all of these farcical men will spend countless hours groping each other’s buttocks for buoyancy and a bountiful billfold. This vital information will come in handy during the final, frantic chaos of “Last call!”
Yet there’s something more to the gay bar… Down every hallway and behind every door there is a darkness where unspeakable acts unfold. Woeful cries only hint at the deep chasms of horror being explored. When the decadence reaches a fever pitch, a parade of victors will emerge from these murky depths. An obscene ritual, rarely seen by outside observers, is thus performed. The anal aggressors, the “tops” in slut slang, gather to twirl a swarm of hard-won jockstraps overhead in rapturous unison. The carnal choreography celebrates the crude deflowering of the gay world’s newest recruits, a deflowering that was written in fluids and tears, only moments before, on the unforgiving walls of this late night hell… And yes, it does get much, much worse than this.
1. Bartenders: Shirtless, Sassy & “Straight”
To taunt the gay man’s fraudulent masculinity, homosexual establishments employ heterosexual bartenders of clichéd good looks. The most important element of the job is that they parade around completely topless to the oogles and awws of the lusty alcoholics. While these men may be straight, they’re often “gay for pay” for the most generous tippers. At the end of the night, it’s not uncommon for a barkeep to reward his favorite patrons with a damp, grinding lap dance.
2. “Voguing” to Mark One’s Territory
Much like a dog urinating on a fire hydrant, urban queers lay claim to spaces within the bar through a flamboyant type of ethnic prancing known as “voguing.” With catwalk strides and elaborate hand gestures, the gay lets you know not to trespass on his fierce realm of gossip and “girlfriends” or else you’ll get an Appletini in the face.
3. Butt Chugging
The act of consuming alcohol through the rectum made headlines earlier this year when a student in Tennessee nearly died attempting it, but the practice has long been common in elitist homosexual circles. (The lesbian version of this is “vodka tamponing.”)
4. The “I Know You From Grindr” Grin
The gays have created a very unusual mobile phone database called “Grindr.” Using global positioning software, they can look up the specialized perversions of any man in a hundred mile radius, even before they’ve formally met. With a few taps on your iPhone you can discover that a potential mate’s fetishes include such things as “power bottoming,” Liza Minnelli and ejaculating on 500-thread count sheets.
5. Secrets Codes of Kinky Communication
The Hanky Code, SmurfCode and The Natural Bear Classification System ( NBCS) are the three most common ways homosexuals quietly signal the extremes of their abnormality. A fuschia kerchief in the back pocket, for instance, says that you like to be spanked while in the “Smurf scene” a “y++” designates that you’re young and dumb.
6. Twilight “Twink” Zone
Emaciated and smelling of sour human vices, “twinks” are a type of man-child that garner little sexual interest in the real world. Yet somehow the darkness of the gay bar transforms these pathetic, unathletic geeks into highly-desirable erotic acrobats, willing to trade a quick handjob for a frothy Margarita.
7. Urinal Masturbation
For normal people, the toilet is a place of feces and urine, but for radical homosexuals it’s a veritable meat market of veiny delights. You will find dozens of men gathered in these spots, revealing the full girth of their manhoods. Shrewd and skeptical onlookers crowd in to shop the options with all the ferocity of expert coupon clippers.
8. Ganja, the Gay Recruitment Tool
Narcotic marijuana is often seen as simply a deadly street drug, but its role in perpetuating homosexuality is beginning to be recognized by health officials. “Pot” lowers inhibitions and clouds the mind, making it a dangerously effective way to lure naïve young men into the slimy world of late night anal experimentation.
9. Pickup Move: The “Bear Belly Orbit”
Heavyset, hairy-chested men known as “bears” are a prized conquest in this strange underworld. To signify erotic intent, a gay on the prowl will circle the bear in a “voguing” fashion at least three times to attract attention. When the bear caresses his beard, it means he’s intrigued and wishes to see the twink vogue a bit more. If the ensuing performance lives up to expectations, the bear will offer the young man a spot on his lap and a fresh can of beer.
10. The “Dark Room”
As the name suggests, this is a room of utter evil, yet it is considered the most hallowed space in gay “culture.” To enter the gay bar’s secret pit of blackness, one strips down to his loafers and gym socks and announces his arrival with a loud whistle. Suddenly a game of musical chairs erupts, with every man rushing to find an erect phallus to sit on. As the next man enters and whistles, the game begins again. Anyone left standing is mocked and mercilessly ejected, forced to traverse the bar with his clothes in a sticky, bundled mess as he fumbles for the keys to Mother’s car, saddened by the thought that he will miss the legendary jockstrap finale that everyone’s been talking about.
Bonus Secret: The Cigarette Syndrome
The more promiscuous a homosexual, the more likely he is to smoke. Cigarettes offer a straightforward way to open up a conversation with a stranger and examine a potential sex mate under a streetlamp. When an erotic escapade goes horribly wrong, the cigarette is also a handy way to escape from the bar with the excuse of “I’m going outside for a smoke!”