The Vice President’s Coronavirus Taskforce claimed emergency powers this week over a smartphone app that targets homosexuals and their uncontrollable urges. Supporters of the administration cited the move as evidence that the White House is taking innovative steps to slow the spread of the virus. Similar restrictions on popular dating sites like Tinder and Match may soon follow.
Grindr was singled out by the taskforce due to its widespread use in the gay subculture, according to sources. It’s known as a place where men go to arrange sexual encounters with other men, often putting themselves in anonymous and risky situations, which are all the more dangerous considering the pandemic.
In discussing the action, Vice President Pence stated, “It’s just too easy to dial into the Grindr.com service from your mobile phone and order off a menu of hot, sweaty man-on-man desire. You can go online at all hours, even after Mother has been tucked in for the night, and tap on anything from jock tops to Asian twinks to hairy-chested leather daddies!”
Stephenson Billings, a widely-respected expert on the subject, noted that “power bottomers” have always posed a threat in the hardcore homosexual scene. “They’re experts at sodomy who often garnish their fornication with dirty language and designer-label jockstraps. Worse still, they’re known to hoard all the dom tops in five-mile radius of their flamboyantly-decorated sex pads.”
“In this time of crisis, it’s just irresponsible that these guys are hosting a parade of manwhores with their gilded bedframes and 1000-thread count sheets,” Billings added, “while normal Americans can’t go to the Y and are forced to quarantine in their dumpy little homes where the basements photograph just terribly.”
In the coming days, options on Grindr will be limited. No longer can one specify that you’re looking for sex “right now” and “in the buttocks” or “while Mother is out of town.” Keywords associated with anonymous hook-ups such as alleyway, gloryhole, eggplant, Troye Sivan, poppers and “Naval Observatory sauna” will be banned.
Instead, the only choice for users of the app will be “LTR.” If two gays write more than eight full sentences and exchange three clear face photos on the service, they will be obligated to cohabitate for the duration of the pandemic. An additional feature will allow visitors to accept “Unsolicited decorating tips” by checking off a box.
Some Grindr regulars seemed confused by the changes. “Long Term Relationship?” asked user GymRat27, “I thought LTR stood for Leather, Tina and Roleplay? No wonder my last meet-up got me kicked out of Starbucks.”