Old people are a national treasure. They’ve spent their entire lives making America great again and now just want to pass their remaining years in peace and quiet.
This is what made me so outraged when I heard about a traveling showman by the name of Bob Weir who specifically targets our most vulnerable senior citizens.
His music is a weird drug of subversive styles and subliminal messages. But it’s not just the long, angry songs that upset me, it’s the fact this man is intentionally building a radical cult dedicated to his every whim.
The “Weir-dos” embrace the worst ideologies of job crushing “green politics.” They’ve turned their backs on the fun militarism of the Reagan years. They’re free spirits who believe in tree goddesses and going bra-less. They cruise farmers’ markets like Tinder on Metamucil. They make phallic pottery in backyard studios. And they will do everything in their incredible power to undermine our nationalistic culture from within.
Yes, you heard that right! This man Bob Weir is out there at this very moment roaming the darkened alleyways of America recruiting our very own parents and grandparents into this shocking scheme!
No wonder his biggest hit is called “Shakedown Street.”
And the liberal media has been absolutely silent about this incredible threat!
It doesn’t matter to his diehard fans that the music isn’t very upbeat. You won’t find the singable lyrics and repetitive rhythms that are the basis of today’s most important pop songs. The guitar solos are undisciplined and trail off like a mental patient searching for a purple elephant in a Wal-Mart.
Weir, who looks like a bewildered Santa Claus with his penetrating gaze and unkempt beard, is a shadowy figure. He has a history of these shenanigans going back at least ten years. It’s known in certain circles, for instance, that he’s a camp counselor at the Bohemian Grove, the secret Illuminati retreat that investigative journalist Alex Jones famously exposed.
Leaked photos also suggest that Bob Weir may be a kingpin in the Deep State conspiracy attempting to overthrow President Donald J. Trump.
And just when you thought the Weirdo Cult couldn’t get any worse, here’s the kicker: highly placed sources have stated that marijuana usage is incredibly common among the rock star’s frisky, free-wheelin’ groupies.
So there you have it: an anti-establishment terrorist selling “free love” reefer and global warming conspiracies door to door at our elderly rest homes. #ThanksBernieSanders!
At this special moment in history, President Trump needs all the help he can get building this nation and it’s now the responsibility of the youth generation to police the treasonous musical tastes of our elders.
So please take a moment today and peek through your parents’ and grandparents’ Spotify accounts. Be on the lookout for cases of old-fashioned Maxell cassette tapes. Keep your ears tuned for nonsensical hours-long guitar jams. And pay special attention when underground code words like “Sugar Magnolia” or “Rat Dog” or “Lesh” are muttered in hushed, boozy tones.
Sadly, for millions of Americans, including Katy Perry’s boyfriend John Mayer, it’s already too late.