Should I Hire a Hippie?

Posted on by Stephenson Billings

hippieDear Stephenson,

I own a small bakery in Georgia and last week a young man came in to apply for a job as an overnight baker. He was a bit strange looking to say the least!!! He dressed like a gypsy and had this long, nappy hair tied up in knot. His qualifications are great and I really need to fill this position since my last girl quit to get married. The problem is we’re a very wholesome company. I’m just not sure he’s the right fit. My daughter works that shift too and she’s only 20. She’s a lovely person but she’s had her share of rebellion with the boys. I would feel strange having these two work alone together since I’m only around in the day time. He told me up front that if he takes the job he wants two weeks off in August to see some music concerts out west but on the other hand he did have a lot of great ideas for new snacks we could make. We really need to fill this position and he seems really, really friendly, but should I be concerned about hiring this sort of man?


Georgia Peach Cobbler

Dear GPC, Thank you so much for having the courage to write this letter. Your question is an important one because it brings up many issues that parents and business owners are facing today. I am reminded of Proverbs 21:5, “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty” and I think it’s wise that you assess this dilemma very carefully. Another business tip can be found in Proverbs 18:15, “Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge.”

First and foremost, there are health and financial concerns to consider when hiring this type of person. From your description of the nappy hair and clothing, I suspect this man follows the hippie lifestyle so popular among young people right now. Many of these types wear sandals. You should be aware that this is inappropriate footwear for a cooking environment and would likely get you a hefty fine from your state health department. Also, hippies are politically aligned with a radical ecological view of food and farming. At great expense to you, this man may demand that your fruits and nuts be locally grown and pesticide free. He may want your staples to be produced at organic factories that adhere to unnecessarily strict labor requirements. This is a big issue with coffee, where liberal activists have forced so-called “Fair Trade” beans on small businesses. The results could push you to the brink of bankruptcy.

On a personal level, I would check his references thoroughly and verify that he does indeed have a home address. Often, these hippie youths live in cars or vans, moving from one parking spot to the next, always a step ahead of the police. Would you really want someone camped out in your shop’s parking lot, drinking water from your hose and using the bushes as a toilet? Please keep this in mind.

The young man’s mention of special “snacks” also concerns me. Hippies are marijuana specialists. One trick they’re fond of is packing that foul drug into brownies. It helps them transport the narcotic across state lines. For users, these psychotropically-enhanced baked goods push them to intense hallucinogenic highs. It also feeds the dire hunger pangs an abuser suffers from. The more they eat, the hungrier and higher they get. It ends up becoming a vicious cycle. There is also a chance this man could be secretly trying to use your business to gain access to ample supplies of yeast and flour. Working at night unsupervised, he could quickly turn your bakery into a clandestine “Magic Brownie” lab. Much like meth labs (click here for a definition), these types of illegal bakeries are incredibly dangerous. The fumes alone can scramble one’s brain irredeemably.

As an adult there is another critical point that you need to be aware of. Hippies have been known to have very strong libidos and little sense of traditional morality. You have to remember these are the same people who protested against everything Presidents Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush ever did. They rioted against our battles to bring love and righteousness to the Middle East. They fought against the blossoming of our economy and have refused to take a patriotic role in homeland consumerism. Instead, they spend their days dancing manically in the shadows of American global primacy and Christian Evangelicalism.

With this in mind, please be aware that this young man may have his eyes set on your values. Hippies regularly use their “friendly natures” to invade one’s personal space. He will start off by complimenting your clothes and winning your confidence. Before you know it, he’ll be greeting you with a big, firm hug each day, pressing his limber frame tight up against you, hoping his necklaces tangle with yours so that he has an excuse to fumble a youthful groin against matronly hips, conspiring for that moment when hands join for an ill-conceived rhythmic embrace or even worse.

As for your young daughter, I cannot imagine a worse predicament than leaving this man alone with her overnight. As you well know, the ovens of a bakery produce incredible heat. Those long hours spent sweating together with no one around, the yeasty smell of fresh bread wafting as they salivate at the bounty of baked goods and tins of edibles surrounding them… It’s not hard to imagine a scenario where he strips off his shirt to show your girl a skullbone tattoo on his abdomen, and her reaching out to touch it. Droplets of perspiration will drip from the trinkets on his necklaces, tracing lines in the powdered sugar misted over his chest and maybe he’ll use that sugary proximity to lick a stain of chocolate off her clavicle and she’ll touch that dreadlocked hair of his playfully at first, then grab it like a horseback rider taking the reins… And as the night deepens and the fecund cloud of baking marijuana brownies overtakes them, they will end up on the floor, fouling your greatest hopes and dreams with the raunchiest of hippie-style corporeal indelicacies.

hippie_girl_satanicAnother great concern is the vacation time he has requested. Why would he even need to travel “out west” when there are so many fabulous country acts right there in Georgia? To me this is the height of selfishness. I’ve never understood this “going on tour” phenomenon. Hippies are like flocks of birds, joining caravans of like-minded vagabonds on months-long migrations. These summer movements quickly become circus orgies of criminal proportions where no sin is lift unexplored. Towns across America close down in fear of such invasions. These children use this whole experience as an excuse to run away from home, leaving behind loving mothers and worried fathers, their schoolwork and the coworkers who depend on them. And for what? So they can gyrate horrifically to out-of-tune musicians in flamboyant costumes, smoking their marijuana bong hits with little impunity. It’s all terrifically irresponsible.

There is a real danger that this nappy-haired heathen will take your daughter away from you when it comes time for his summer hiatus. The hippie is very crafty that way. Your naïve young girl could be enticed by the adventure of it all. Night after night in that sweaty bakery, he’ll goad her with promises of blissful freedom and open skies, LSD experiences and sensual massages. When the day comes, she’ll disappear before dawn and you’ll be left in the August heat wondering what sort of trouble she has gotten herself into now.

The trouble she’s gotten herself into will be very real. They’ll move like grifters from state to state, seeking out unsuspecting minors to push their organic baked goods on. They’ll bathe nude in freshwater streams. They’ll drive at high speeds listening to indecipherable “mix tapes” and when the sun goes down, they’ll share a damp Star Wars sleeping bag in the back of his over-carpeted van. As they press forward to join that western assembly of wicked ambitions, their bonds will grow so strong that she’ll start to believe in the God-like stature he has accorded his favorite rock group. Once committed to the cult of jam band neuroia, she’ll discard her familial morality like one dumps a greasy fast food container in a reststop trashcan.

A Southern girl, particularly a sweet Georgia Peach, is considered a prize in the hippie set. When they finally arrive at the freakish fellowship of his carnal comrades, he’ll pimp her out in parking lots for music tickets and “kind buds.” Her charming small town ways will win them easy friends and maybe even a motel shower. What follows is simply too profane for me to describe here. Suffice it to say that they’ll be spending their nights in concert mosh pits where the most brazen acts of barbarity are proudly displayed. Stimulants and hormonal secretions will flow without shame to the confusing pagan beats of a transvestite drummer and his ginger-haired glutton of a sidekick. The rioting will become so intense that every precious memory of childhood, every hope for the greatness of America, will be desecrated in an earthquake of stomping feet and forlorn primordial screams.

And maybe, if you’re lucky, if you’re very lucky, your girl will return home years from now, dreadlocked and pregnant. She will weep into your arms at the terrible betrayal she has made. A betrayal not just to you, but to her God and her country. I’m literally breathless right now just imagining it all…

In conclusion, I must vociferously state the obvious: Do not hire this man!