Property Brothers: How One Subversive Canadian Television Show Is Conspiring the Next American Housing Bubble

Posted on by Kaylee-Aurora
Exuding a musky sexuality, the two stars of the hit HGTV series

Exuding a musky sexuality, the two HGTV stars have inspired many women to invest in real estate.

Every HGTV fan has a favorite. For some it’s Drew with his delicately clipped accent and his finely tuned sense of humor. He’s quite the impressive package, especially when poured into those exquisitely tailored suits.

Yet many audience members find Drew’s smoothness rather slick and his intellect a bit glib. If you’re of that opinion, surely you fall into the Jonathan camp. With dirty tank tops and unkempt hair, he’s a natural man who reeks a heady musk of hard-earned brawn. His muscles are taut. His smile, mischievous. There is an emotional intelligence to a man with such large, virile hands. You can just imagine him mastering any tool, gripping and thrusting some old pipe into submission, all with a tough guy grin on his face that says, “I’m not afraid to get a little dirty.”

In case you’re just tuning in, we’re talking about the hit Home and Garden Television series, Property Brothers. Each hour-long episode features a couple on the hunt for a new home. The two handsome young brothers arrive in a flash and help resolve the conundrum. During the first half of the show, real estate agent Drew Scott tours potential homes with the home seekers. Using CGI graphics, they explore possible renovation options. The second half features contractor Jonathan Scott as he embarks on an ambitious reconstruction. These are problems and pitfalls along the way, but in the end, everyone walks away happy.

For television entertainment, this is upbeat and inspiring fare. The show has encouraged many to undertake home improvement projects on their own. Fans across Twitter and Facebook regularly celebrate the swarthy twins for their continued success. In fact, their message has been so successful that Property Brothers has expanded into other TV series such as Brother Vs. Brother, Buying & Selling and Property Brothers At Home.

Lumbersexual Jonathan (right) and real estate agent Drew (left)

Lumbersexual Jonathan (right) is a fan favorite, while brother Drew (left) is a real estate agent.

The Canadian Connection

But what’s really going on here? Doesn’t it seem a bit contrived to use such overt male sexuality to sell Americans on the idea of home ownership in a recession, particularly when we have a president like Barack Obama who has declared war on America’s heartland virtue? Are people going into debt with the Big Banks just so they can compete for the opportunity to appear on Property Brothers? Why are there so few commercials on HGTV? Is there a secret financial supporter behind the cable station? Is it the banks themselves, pushing citizens into a cycle of debt that will leave them enslaved to the Federal Reserve and our corrupt political system? And why isn’t it publicized that the two brothers aren’t even American at all?

Many readers may be a bit shocked to learn that Drew and Jonathan Scott are actually Canadian. As such, they may be somewhat out of touch with the realities of the U.S. real estate market. In socialist Canada, prices are kept artificially low and the federal government provides expensive entitlements to keep the population pacified. The “free market” as we know it does not truly exist in Canada. This is one of the primary reasons that the socialist country has never been able to establish itself as a major world power.

Gimme Shelter Porn

None of this actually explains the allure of those CGI graphics, which never quite match up with the finished homes. There is also the surprise of all that new furniture, though where it comes from is never mentioned. How much are these brothers hiding in expenses through these smoke and mirror tactics? Why all the subterfuge? Clearly the Big Banks have a hand in this scheme.

Worst of all, the oozing sexuality of these two men seems nefariously calculated to lure in female viewers. They are constantly flirting on the television screen, showing off their muscles and perfect teeth. Practically every episode they’re ripping off their shirts and flexing about. They take advantage of that age-old female fantasy of two twin brothers on one bearskin rug. There is something so inviting about their playful masculinity, you just want to tangle the boys in front of the fireplace in your new 4-bedroom craftsman after a day of carpentry and a bottle of chardonnay.

Could this all be some sort of attempt to lure Americans to the next housing bubble? Who is this mysterious “third brother” the internet message boards keep whispering about? Are they genuinely two distinct people, or could it be one brother and a green screen, his lumbersexaul grit photoshopped on in postproduction?

In the end, there are simply too many questions about these shelter porn pin-up boys and reluctantly, I must give Property Brothers my two thumbs down. Maybe that sort of subliminal Canadian sexuality sells bungalows north of the border, but here in the United States we want to flush the toilets clean before signing the deed.