Homosexual Pornography to Be Regulated Exclusively Through the Vice President’s Office, Mike Pence Announces

Posted on by Stephenson Billings

V.P. Pence hopes to choke off the raunchy rise of graphic gay smut in America.

Vowing to “penetrate the depths” of America’s degeneracy crisis, the Vice President’s office announced plans today to face the gay pornography industry head on.

In a statement circulated to senior staff, it was revealed that the White House is erecting a new agency to add weight and girth to censorship efforts initiated by the Federal Communications Commission and Health and Human Services.

When informed of the new threesome, Mike Pence stated, “I am humbled by this massive responsibility and ready to embrace this red-hot issue with all my passion.”

The V.P. added, “I’ve been grappling with this dilemma for too long and I know there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to slippery sling of gay porn. However, there are several holes in our current legal system that must be filled, deeply and aggressively. Too often they’re violated, slapped around like some bossy bareback bottom in a Corbin Fisher video.”

When pressed by reporters, Pence further stated, “I will be completely open to a fluid exchange with the industry, as long as they bow down to the rule of law or face daddy’s swift paddle of justice.”

Some insiders wonder if the exploding profusion of man-on-man videos will be too much for the newly crowned Vice President to swallow. They point out that gay activities are no longer confined to bus station toilets or downtown alleyways like in Pence’s salad days.

“Vice President Pence is fully aware that Craigslist, Chatroulette and countless HD-quality streaming video websites now rival the lure of cruising your local YMCA in a tiny white towel,” one White House advisor cautioned.

Noting that guys who advertise themselves online as “100% top” are rarely what they seem, Pence also took aim at the trends in so-called “bear porn” and “amateur jocks,” which he said build up false expectations for real life encounters. “If you think five million Latinos illegally voting for Hillary is a scandal, wait until you see the data I have on hundreds of millions of misleading profiles. That’s why we need a Grinder ID law so badly right now it hurts. And don’t get me started on those picky ratchet queens on Scruff…”

 

  • Barbara DeMoss

    Given his past history, I am sure Pence will spend a great deal of time reviewing the evidence of the gay porn industry.

    • Stephenson_Billings

      Thank you, Patriot!

  • Kaylee-Aurora

    Thank you Vice President Pence for protecting our men from this nasty vice!!!!