Vice President Pence Asks Government Homosexuals to Register With His Office, Sign Chastity Oath

Posted on by Stephenson Billings

All federal employees with homosexual tendencies will need to join the Vice President’s new initiative for their own safety.

In one of his first acts in office, Vice President Mike Pence has asked LGBT employees of the Federal Government to make themselves known. The voluntary directive covers all agencies under the authority of President Trump, from NASA to the Pentagon.

Beginning Monday, January 23, 2017, all self-identified homosexuals and bisexuals will need to register through a formal declaration with the Vice President. According to a source in the VP’s office, such declarations must included a detailed history of sexual liaisons, all relevant online profiles including “Grinder,” any visits to known sex tourist sites like Provincetown or Fire Island, links to the Facebook pages of all exes, and a thorough accounting of public bathroom cruising habits.

Mr. Pence has stated that these efforts are to protect this minority group as the new administration embarks on bold changes throughout American society. It follows a similar program introduced by the Energy Department to ferret out extremist climate change proponents hidden within the ranks of government.

Considering the health risks and threats to national security, radical homosexuals will also need to sign a chastity oath that prevents them from any acts of hardcore fornication in direct violation of Biblical teaching. These include: sodomy, frottage, edging, internet “hook ups,” rimming and fisting.

Vice President Pence has authorized a special commission headed by Senator Lindsey Graham to police the sexual degeneracy of government employees and impose punishments on those who violate the new directive.

For elite members of President Trump’s inner circle, the so-called “Platinum Select” group, an executive waiver has been announced that will cover all homosexuality activity for the next 12 months. Peter Thiel, the billionaire investor and longtime Trump advisor, has already been issued a special “homosexual license” that allows him to partake in bondage, water sports and non-consensual penetrations with any Federal employee under his authority.

The new measure does have its critics, however. Republican thinker Rick Santorum has condemned the homosexual registry, noting that gays could hack the list and use it to, “cruise for fresh meat on the government’s dime.”


  • Amber

    Is there any evidence of this? I’d be happy to share it, but only with proof.

    • jazzhands joe

      you are an actual idiot. stay away from politics.

  • Kaylee-Aurora

    Is there a way to turn in people you think might be gay?

    • Cynthia Lundgren Anderson

      Why would you want to do that?

      • Stephenson_Billings

        I believe you can just call VP Pence directly and leave any description of the sexually peverted violations you feel necessary.

        • RussianAgent


  • John Pilon

    This is the Onion, right?


    Heterosexuals with heterosexual tendencies regardless of gender
    should be required by law in all 50 states to registered as a heterosexual sodomite
    until sodomy is legal in all 50 states regardless of sexual orientation,
    and if a heterosexual regardless of gender refuse to registered as a heterosexual sodomite,
    a heterosexual regardless of gender would be required by law by the federal government
    to registered as a sex offender, and if a heterosexual sodomite regardless of gender
    refuse to registered as a sex offender a heterosexual regardless of gender will have to pay
    a fine no more than $25,000 and there will be life imprisonment for repeat offenders
    who are heterosexual regardless of gender, and this bill will be enforced
    in all 50 states.


      ” So long as we have enough people in this country
      willing to fight for their rights,
      we’ll be called a democracy.”
      ACLU Founder
      Roger Baldwin


    Since this is a violation of separation between church and state
    and since it doesn’t cycle that this is a violation of separation between church and state,
    the ACLU will defend the wall of separation between church and state
    by any means necessary and then it will cycle that this is sincerely a violation
    of separation between church and state.