Senior Republicans announced this week that they will set aside any future funding for the National Institutes of Health until an agreement can be reached on the next stage of the COVID-19 pandemic. The main sticking point, according to a report on Breitbart, has been what to name any future coronavirus vaccines and how such a vital cure could be enlisted to aid the President’s personal brand.
Lindsay Graham, the sumptuous Senator from South Carolina, first identified the urgency of the naming issue, proposing that a cure should bear the name of a Trump Organization golf property in recognition of the President’s early efforts to protect American citizens from coronavirus information.
Senate Majority Leader and festering testicular boil Mitch McConnell, fearing a fierce battle between northern corporatists and southern evangelical corporatists quickly moved the issue to a committee of Senators and House members, where lobbyists from both the tourism and pharmaceutical industries are expected to play a part.
In committee, Congressman Peter King of New York made a strong case for naming the vaccine after the Trump Golf Links at Ferry Point, the President’s struggling course in the Bronx. King described the 18-holes as a, “patriotic journey through the blistering class chasm in America, with Manhattan’s looming billionaire towers in the distance and the crushing urban poverty of the Bronx just an Uber away…”
Florida Senator Rick Scott was a vocal advocate for naming the lifesaving treatment after his home state’s Trump National Doral Miami, which he said reminded him of, “taking a warm bath in oozing liberal tears while slapping veal cutlets all over the varicose veins of your naked, decaying body.”
In the hopes of scoring an invitation, Senator Rand Paul, who you just know smells of pickles and rotting teeth, suggested naming it after Mar-a-Lago, the president’s oligarchs-only Palm Beach club. Senator Graham, who has actually been to Mar-a-Lago, shamed Paul by pointing out that that particular swamp of corruption doesn’t have a golf course, and that the President plays at a separate Trump property located in West Palm Beach, several miles away.
As the Paul-Graham scuffle turned physical, numerous lobbyists were seen placing bets. The odds were in Lindsay’s favor, sources claim, due to his willingness to go right for the jewels, while Rand’s delicate hands and a surprise pocket full of pickle sandwiches were a keen disadvantage. When a custom hairpiece became dislodged, a Purdue Pharma lobbyist was forced to step in and separate bald Paul and a visibly stimulated Graham.
In the aftermath, Majority Leader McConnell announced that whatever the outcome, the government would deal fairly with Don Trump, Jr. He noted that Congress would devote a significant share of the $2 trillion Wall Street bailout to securing the necessary trademarks. This will insure that the President receives residuals for any vaccine use, even in socialist countries. Experts noted that the move would guarantee that Mr. Trump could continue to claim that he’s a billionaire, even in the smoldering wreckage of whatever remains of the economy by that time.
For its part, the White House is rumored to have redoubled its efforts to purchase a German company close to finalizing a vaccine, due to the inherent potential of cross-promotion with America’s leisure industry. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has even offered up the services of the CIA to undermine any potential international competitors in the global search for a coronavirus cure, noting that Cuba and China might pose a challenge to the Trump Organization’s future golf vacation promotions.
In the end, it was RNC chair Ronna “McDonalds” McDaniel who tempered emotions.
In a speech in the Senate Cloak Room, McDaniel chastised legislators and told them to act quickly. “With this crisis, we have so many other crucial issues that need immediate attention,” she announced. “We have environmental protections to roll back, billionaire handouts to give away, and big data invasions of privacy to enact so the whole ‘finding a cure and naming it thing’ really is going to seem less and less important in the coming weeks as the stock market collapses and the tribal warfare begins.”