Leave Dentist Walter J. Palmer Alone!

Posted on by Doc Bacon
Can anyone truly understand the position Dr. Palmer is in?

Can anyone truly understand the position Dr. Palmer is in?

America, we need to talk about Walter J. Palmer, the dentist accused of hunting that lion in Zimbabwe. While we’re at it, let’s also have an honest discussion about the harsh realities of dentistry in America today.

This isn’t going to be pretty. In fact, I think it will cause a bit of outrage. By the end of my statement, however, I suspect many will agree that all this ridiculous internet bullying has got to stop. Maybe even a few of you will man up and offer Dr. Palmer the apology he so justly deserves.

First of all, I am proud to say that I’m a dentist myself. I spent decades on the frontlines of America’s health care fiasco. Unless you served time in the ADA, you honestly can’t even begin to comprehend the magnitude of what it’s like out there. Instead of assaulting Dr. Palmer, we should be congratulating him for his years of service. Men like him are the unsung heroes of our age, selflessly aiding the needy against incalculable odds.

The Chaos of the Battlefield

The profession of dentistry under the Obama Regime is quite simply facing its greatest challenge ever. In no time in human history has our field been more reviled. We are in unenviable position of keeping your mouths healthy in a tempest of calamitous dietary habits and surreal sugar intakes. And let’s not even mention the fluoridated water pumped out by the global elite, which you gulp so greedily…

We dentists are there when the crud on your yellowed, rancid teeth becomes too obscene for your obsessive cellphone photography. We are there when you crack your fillings with hard candies in total violation of our repeated warnings. We never back down from those lifesaving procedures, despite your pathetic whimpering tears at the slightest blip of pain. And you still spit and frown and fight back!

These are the stories the liberal media refuses to publish. Instead, we are the butt of endless jokes and late night monologues. America, you really ought to be ashamed of how you treat your dental professionals.

dentalmissionWe, the Hunted

Many patients dislike us, others openly hate us. Most boldly lie about how much they floss. Yet when you open your mouths, we dentists see the truth. You are a disgusting lot, with HPV and plaque and inflamed gums, rotting cavities and dentures that reek of your foul ethnic meals. Do you even realize how many shreds of meat are lodged in your deepest crevices? Do you even grasp that we are looking directly into your soul as we hover above you? We gaze into your abyss and the great void of your character invariably stares back. Without a doubt, dental patients are the lowest of the low.

And some of you people have the GALL to travel to Thailand or Brazil chasing down the thrill of cheap wisdom tooth surgery! When the shoddy workmanship begins to bleed, whom do you come running to with your implausible stories? Oh, you just happen to be in Rio for a month and chanced upon an easy way to get veneers? Maybe that’s why you rarely remember to send us Christmas cards showing off your big, toothy illegal alien grins.

You really have to wonder why so many of the soldiers in the dental war keep fighting that fight. Surely it’s not the money. Our Medicare payments have been continuously slashed. Insurance companies squeeze every last dime. Our receptionists and hygienists threaten to unionize and rob us further. Do you realize that most of our employees hate us more than our patients? After we wrestle a few grimy coins from the lot of you, there’s barely enough to pay mortgages and car payments or the tuition at Swarthmore.

dentalhighThe Zuckerberg Principle

Have you ever stopped to wonder why we dentists work so hard and risk so much? It’s not simply for the pleasure of driving the new M3 or watching your progeny master a lacrosse stick. It’s because we want our heirs to do better than us. We pray that somehow, by the grace of God, they manage to claw their way out of this lower upper class mediocrity. We all secretly dream that the next generation will be investment bankers or tech company CFOs. Look at Edward Zuckerberg!

No man stands higher in the pantheon of American dentistry than Dr. Edward J. Zuckerberg of Dobbs Ferry, New York. When a parade of insufferable teenage patients are getting you down, we dentists just think of Dr. Ed. He truly is the goose that laid the golden egg!

I often find myself dreaming of his brazen visage late at night. Then come the fits of terror. Am I truly worthy? What Lord on High gave me the right to even whisper that I share the same calling as that man?

The pressure to be the next Ed Zuckerberg could very well be the most profound test facing hardworking dentists in the medical field today. Many simply crumple. It’s too high a mountain to climb!

dentistheroThe Bloody Face of American Dentistry

To tell you the truth, there are plenty of us who can barely keep that big chair warm. Old patients think nothing of skipping appointments. Recruiting new ones comes at a steep premium. They’re all “informed consumers” now with laundry lists of needs and not a lick of loyalty. The youth generation abhors hygiene. They don’t give a tick about their teeth, those filthy little imbeciles. And when there’s a disagreement about an insurance deductible or an hepatitis infection, they all march off to cry to mother Yelp! No wonder so many of my brothers have fallen into the soft arms of anesthesia addiction. A few tabs of hydrocodone to smooth out your day, a huff of nitrous to lure you off that ledge of a particularly nasty molar…

To escape this execrable world, every dentist needs an outlet. Golf is delightfully dull. Coin collecting, a calculating man’s pursuit. Dr. Palmer, like so many others, has found his release in the sport of blood. Yes, it’s true, we do enjoy the pain. Drilling into a cavity, pulling out a tooth… These are our private pleasures. Sometimes we hunt that rush down… Jabbing into your gums until the blood spurts, seeing it pool in your mouth as you gasp and choke and pull away, there’s an undeniable excitement to it all, an adrenaline rush as you squirm in horror under our harsh light. We laugh at you behind those surgical masks! When we speak, you obey! You are the easiest of prey! Come a little closer and close your eyes! Just there, you are the game in our gun sights!

So maybe that accursed Cecil deserved everything he got. He did wander recklessly into the sights of a dentist on the hunt. We live in an epoch of brutal realities. Kill or be killed! Pursue or be eaten! Dr. Palmer simply did what we dentists do. He was brave enough to mount that food pyramid and proclaim himself Lion King! The world of orthodonture salutes you, good man! This is the dark truth every patient must accept if they want to keep their teeth healthy and their Dental Gods appeased. So move on, internet bullies, there’s nothing to see here!


About This Journalist

Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inoculate citizens against our nation’s pandemic of socialism, scientism and sexual perversion.

  • Greg Polkosnik

    Someone killed a lion? This is the first I’ve heard about it.

  • pete w

    Beautifully written. However I personally feel that the soulless scumbag in question being a dentist is coincidental fact, and that the twisted logic he employs regarding killing animals to conserve them is several degrees of contrived beyond anything conceived from years within a tough job.

    I’m sure his mother must be proud of him, his kids want to be just like him someday

  • Johnson Pollack

    Hush up Doc you don’t get the what’s what here!!!!!

  • Drugs Bunny

    Oh, please don’t worry. I’m not going into that cavity. That nerve’s already dying. A live, freshly-cut nerve is infinitely more sensitive. So I’ll just drill into a healthy tooth until I reach the pulp. Unless, of course, you can tell me that it’s safe.

  • Blanche Beecham

    I love going to the dentist.

  • Susan K

    I’m sure Dentistry is a noble profession which affords Dentists the money to live a nice lifestyle. The point here is, his hunt was poaching, he has done it before, was charged with sexual harassment and settled for 125,000 dollars. And over and over, he LIED. “who me”? What more need be said about his character, or lack there of. He is a sad excuse for a human being and I’m sick over this. He tried to destroy the tracking device because why? He knew he would be caught. And it’s OK to bait an animal on a PRESERVE? I believe he should be extradited and forced to face the music for his poor decisions. I hope he ends up losing everything he has and then some.

  • Dtowns

    I don’t give a crap about a lion. I give a crap about people. These low grade morons who weep and moan about “Cecil” should spend their time protesting murders in Chicago.

    One human is worth a thousand animals, and those at PETA who call for the dentist to be hanged would protest his death sentence for killing a human.

    This society is seriously upside-down in terms of its moral compass.

    • And I don’t give a shit about your ignorant narcissistic opinion of what I should be caring about. Why don’t you worry about whatever you think is important to you and mind your own fucking business when others make different choices?

    • Boblo Gonzalez

      You missed the point, but thanks for playing. Please come back when you get your GED!

    • joni soma

      ..i do not want him hanged, i do not want his property vandalized, i do not want him eating bowievals in a zimbabwe prison. I think we have more than 1.0 million people in pursuit now, and they are pursuing a legal resolution. It seems to me all 3 men are guilty. Walter Palmer is letting the 2 others take the bumps thus far. A moral compass??!!

      Let me say this man, Walter Palmer is highly suspicious. Perhaps he was not guilty of poaching a bear. Tho he was found guilty. Perhaps he was not guilty of sexual harrassment. He did settle with 125,000.00. Perhaps he is not guilty of baiting, relocating lion off park. Now more than 1.0 million people are suspicious.

    • Aldes

      And you, Dtowns, are not worthy of the shit I got at the soles of my shoes.
      Ah, you know what, you can have it anyway!

  • Cassidy Pen

    My B.L.U.F.F. Brotherhood has announced an African safari. I can’t wait.

  • Leo Lover

    I am thinking that Dr. Palmer’s eyesight may too poor for him to continue putting in crowns and fillings on peoples’ teeth as he was unable to see the collar on the lion that he was beheading.

  • Same name as idiot

    So basically because you are a dentist and not a “real doctor” you need to murder animals to prove your manhood

  • Tina

    Dude…go back to cleaning teeth

  • Harleed

    Please…there are plenty of dentists out there his patients can switch to. You would think a man who lied in the past,and had to pay off a sexual harassment suit would have sense enough to check if it’s a ‘legal hunt’ and that all permits were in order to stay out of MORE trouble. He’s just a cowardly cheater who helped lure Cecil out of his sanctuary, blinded him with a spotlight then used a bow & arrow contradictory to their laws. Cecil suffered 40 hours before they tracked him down and shot him. And they didn’t kow by his black mane & relative tame ness it wasn’t him? Cut off the collar and run back home, you coward. You may think Americans have short memories but just wait til you think it’s calmed down – that’s when the great white cheating hunter better watch his back. Probably for the rest of his life. Both your home address & vacation home in Fl have their addresses revealed. If you think paying off to get out of this, think twice. People have long memories.

  • Are you serious there doc? Your diatribe is laughable at best because YOU MISS THE FUCKING POINT OF OUR ANGER ENTIRELY – DUH! This isn’t about being a dentist dipstick. If you can’t figure that out go sit in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber for a few hours until some oxygen reaches your brain. Dr Palmer is a very sick narcissistic psychopathic individual who slaughters majestic animals for “fun” and sexually harasses his female employees. He sounds like a first class asshole to me an I hope he gets hit by a very large bus.

    • Boblo Gonzalez

      Or gets hunted by a pride of lions who wantbto kill a human for fun to show their buddies!

  • Boblo Gonzalez

    Jimmy Kimmel is more on point. WHY does this “jackhole” need to kill the animals he has killed? I hunt, fish, and use whatever I kill for sustenance, not to claim a trophy. Why a lion…a rhino…leopard? Sport? How do we call this sport? Give him the bow or even better a knife and set him loose in the savanna and if he can kill a lion without getting killed himself, sport…. Seriously, who cares if this guy is a dentist or a coal miner? He is clearly, a Safari Club, kill for fun, scumbag and I hope his patients who have unwittingly funded this and his other killings for fun, leave him permanently!

    • joni soma

      ..i think people are tripping on his vocation cause there’s a huge amount of accountability
      and ethics and compunction expected. Tho, with
      Walter Palmer my biggest concern would be sanity. As we know dentists use anesthesia and it would be frightening to think what this wiggle worm might do with it, if so inclined and given his driven behavior.

  • ShikarMan

    I was raised a Hindu Brahmin and my ancestors were priests for 5,000 years. We did not go hunting or kill animals or eat meat. However, one of our Gods Lord Ram used a Bow and Arrow to vanquish his enemies. I feel that Dr. Palmer was a shikar, a hunter, whose weapon I first felt was abhorrent, but then I feel a bow and arrow hunter is making it an even playing field & he has to be a brave man to hunt animals in the wild. Back in the days when the Brits ruled my country, they routinely killed animals like tigers and cheetahs with their guns. I feel that this Internet bullying of a hunter who wanted to bag a lion, and got the permits to do so, should be stopped. If Dr. Palmer had left the wounded lion w/o tracking it for 40 hours (thats a loooooong time!) and not mercifully killed it, it would have been callous on his part. Hunting is a skill that all CEOs have and today, in corporate america, “hunting” skills are sought after. A hunter who killed a prized lion, should be given a fine and all extradition charges should be dropped. Instead, go after “holier than thou” organizations like PETA who dont do anything for humans. Ask Dr. Palmer to raise money for the poor people of Zimbabwe using his exceptional hunting skills!

    Hindu Brahmin, fan of shikars like “Jim Corbetrt”
    Note: Jim Corbett killed more than 400 tigers in the jungles of India.

    • joni soma

      ….did the Shikar hunt in Hywange National Park? Did they have GPSz 5000 years ago?

  • LaughAlot

    lol Wow what a whining failure of a dentist…so bitter that you could never become a real doctor. It’s amazing you barely had anything to say about Walter J Palmer and more or less just cried about hating your job which obviously you were a failure at. But hey…it was a humorous article and and we all got a kick out of seeing a grown man cry about the pathetic life he chose.

    I heard that there’s a hunting party forming for the trophy head of Walter J Palmer DDS that’s starting on October 31. Everyone is dressing up as Cecil for Halloween and it’s Open Season on Walter J Palmer DDS. The first 40 hours are dedicated to bow and arrow hunting and after that rifles will be allowed. So where do I sign up???

  • Kristy Asao

    What the f ever, you stupid geezer. It’s illegal to hunt precious lions. That piece of crud’s no “Lion King”. That dentist’s going to hell.

  • Bella

    Who cares what you think! Everyone has the right to their opinion. In fact your support of this monster reflects your true character.

  • Amen, Dr. Plimpton, I don’t think this could be stated any better. There are plenty of lions in the world, but not nearly enough brave men and women in the dentistry profession.

  • sudon’t

    Brilliant! I’m still wiping away the tears…

  • Boo

    So, if a 30yr military vet goes and starts raping children, its ok because of his service, yeah right. Pull your head out of your anus.