America, we need to talk about Walter J. Palmer, the dentist accused of hunting that lion in Zimbabwe. While we’re at it, let’s also have an honest discussion about the harsh realities of dentistry in America today.
This isn’t going to be pretty. In fact, I think it will cause a bit of outrage. By the end of my statement, however, I suspect many will agree that all this ridiculous internet bullying has got to stop. Maybe even a few of you will man up and offer Dr. Palmer the apology he so justly deserves.
First of all, I am proud to say that I’m a dentist myself. I spent decades on the frontlines of America’s health care fiasco. Unless you served time in the ADA, you honestly can’t even begin to comprehend the magnitude of what it’s like out there. Instead of assaulting Dr. Palmer, we should be congratulating him for his years of service. Men like him are the unsung heroes of our age, selflessly aiding the needy against incalculable odds.
The Chaos of the Battlefield
The profession of dentistry under the Obama Regime is quite simply facing its greatest challenge ever. In no time in human history has our field been more reviled. We are in unenviable position of keeping your mouths healthy in a tempest of calamitous dietary habits and surreal sugar intakes. And let’s not even mention the fluoridated water pumped out by the global elite, which you gulp so greedily…
We dentists are there when the crud on your yellowed, rancid teeth becomes too obscene for your obsessive cellphone photography. We are there when you crack your fillings with hard candies in total violation of our repeated warnings. We never back down from those lifesaving procedures, despite your pathetic whimpering tears at the slightest blip of pain. And you still spit and frown and fight back!
These are the stories the liberal media refuses to publish. Instead, we are the butt of endless jokes and late night monologues. America, you really ought to be ashamed of how you treat your dental professionals.
We, the Hunted
Many patients dislike us, others openly hate us. Most boldly lie about how much they floss. Yet when you open your mouths, we dentists see the truth. You are a disgusting lot, with HPV and plaque and inflamed gums, rotting cavities and dentures that reek of your foul ethnic meals. Do you even realize how many shreds of meat are lodged in your deepest crevices? Do you even grasp that we are looking directly into your soul as we hover above you? We gaze into your abyss and the great void of your character invariably stares back. Without a doubt, dental patients are the lowest of the low.
And some of you people have the GALL to travel to Thailand or Brazil chasing down the thrill of cheap wisdom tooth surgery! When the shoddy workmanship begins to bleed, whom do you come running to with your implausible stories? Oh, you just happen to be in Rio for a month and chanced upon an easy way to get veneers? Maybe that’s why you rarely remember to send us Christmas cards showing off your big, toothy illegal alien grins.
You really have to wonder why so many of the soldiers in the dental war keep fighting that fight. Surely it’s not the money. Our Medicare payments have been continuously slashed. Insurance companies squeeze every last dime. Our receptionists and hygienists threaten to unionize and rob us further. Do you realize that most of our employees hate us more than our patients? After we wrestle a few grimy coins from the lot of you, there’s barely enough to pay mortgages and car payments or the tuition at Swarthmore.
The Zuckerberg Principle
Have you ever stopped to wonder why we dentists work so hard and risk so much? It’s not simply for the pleasure of driving the new M3 or watching your progeny master a lacrosse stick. It’s because we want our heirs to do better than us. We pray that somehow, by the grace of God, they manage to claw their way out of this lower upper class mediocrity. We all secretly dream that the next generation will be investment bankers or tech company CFOs. Look at Edward Zuckerberg!
No man stands higher in the pantheon of American dentistry than Dr. Edward J. Zuckerberg of Dobbs Ferry, New York. When a parade of insufferable teenage patients are getting you down, we dentists just think of Dr. Ed. He truly is the goose that laid the golden egg!
I often find myself dreaming of his brazen visage late at night. Then come the fits of terror. Am I truly worthy? What Lord on High gave me the right to even whisper that I share the same calling as that man?
The pressure to be the next Ed Zuckerberg could very well be the most profound test facing hardworking dentists in the medical field today. Many simply crumple. It’s too high a mountain to climb!
To tell you the truth, there are plenty of us who can barely keep that big chair warm. Old patients think nothing of skipping appointments. Recruiting new ones comes at a steep premium. They’re all “informed consumers” now with laundry lists of needs and not a lick of loyalty. The youth generation abhors hygiene. They don’t give a tick about their teeth, those filthy little imbeciles. And when there’s a disagreement about an insurance deductible or an hepatitis infection, they all march off to cry to mother Yelp! No wonder so many of my brothers have fallen into the soft arms of anesthesia addiction. A few tabs of hydrocodone to smooth out your day, a huff of nitrous to lure you off that ledge of a particularly nasty molar…
To escape this execrable world, every dentist needs an outlet. Golf is delightfully dull. Coin collecting, a calculating man’s pursuit. Dr. Palmer, like so many others, has found his release in the sport of blood. Yes, it’s true, we do enjoy the pain. Drilling into a cavity, pulling out a tooth… These are our private pleasures. Sometimes we hunt that rush down… Jabbing into your gums until the blood spurts, seeing it pool in your mouth as you gasp and choke and pull away, there’s an undeniable excitement to it all, an adrenaline rush as you squirm in horror under our harsh light. We laugh at you behind those surgical masks! When we speak, you obey! You are the easiest of prey! Come a little closer and close your eyes! Just there, you are the game in our gun sights!
So maybe that accursed Cecil deserved everything he got. He did wander recklessly into the sights of a dentist on the hunt. We live in an epoch of brutal realities. Kill or be killed! Pursue or be eaten! Dr. Palmer simply did what we dentists do. He was brave enough to mount that food pyramid and proclaim himself Lion King! The world of orthodonture salutes you, good man! This is the dark truth every patient must accept if they want to keep their teeth healthy and their Dental Gods appeased. So move on, internet bullies, there’s nothing to see here!