Vowing to drain the swamp of “fanatical intellectual extremism,” President Donald J. Trump signed an Executive Order on Tuesday officially adding science to our nation’s terrorist screening database.
The move follows a weekend of unprecedented riots at airports from coast to coast.
The wide-ranging edict went into effect immediately and concerns anyone involved in the cult of scientism, which has been defined as the toxic mix of “Darwinism, environmentalism, feminism, hedonism, humanism, Marxism, socialism, and so on.” Adherents of this underground religion are known to recycle obsessively, celebrate Earth Day and chortle at the healing love of Jesus.
Everyone from archaeologists to zoologists will now be under scrutiny by the NSA’s most advanced computer systems, according to Homeland Security Director John F. Kelly. Kelly’s department will also be introducing RFID-chipped name tags that all scientists will be required to affix to the lapels of their lab coats when out in public.
For National Security Advisor Steve Bannon, the new law is directly aimed at that “secret cabal of anarchists who target our children with biology and mathematics contrary to Biblical wisdom.”
Bannon also noted that many recent terrorist attacks have been aided by science, such as in the technical designs of bombs or the weaponized polling data used to discredit our beloved President’s nearly unanimous electoral victory. China has also been known to employ science for it own nefarious goals.
Reached in the cryogenic research lab beneath Regent University, Evangelical leader Pat Robertson cheered the decision, stating, “Our long national nightmare of atheistic climate ‘change’ is finally over!” and added, “Checkmate, Satan!”
The new order gives President Trump the power to withdraw funding from agencies like NASA and the U.S. Geological Study to provide desperately needed inheritance tax relief to our nation’s job creator class. Goldman Sachs has generously offered to lease former parklands back to the government to warehouse any violators of the law.
The public is warned to stay vigilant for scientists, but not to approach them under any circumstances. These homegrown terrorists have even been known to blend into normal society through such props as girlfriends, sports equipment and the consumption of spirits but these are all just a sinister sham to disguise their violently offensive intellectualism that has, time and again, brought this nation to the brink of Mephistophelian annihilation!