Many feline owners have simply given up hope that their cats can change. As pets, they sure can be surly when humans try to lay down the law! Most of the day they’re either sinister and secretive, or sleepy and sarcastic. But there is a way to challenge those bad habits! You can direct your cat’s energies into something positive that will contribute to your home life and maybe even put a little money in your pocket!
Here are some of the worst cat hobbies that have become huge trends today:
• Chasing beams of light
• Urinating in mysterious locations
• Exhibiting food bowl indifference
• Knocking things off tables
• Hiding in boxes
• Sleeping on computer keyboards
• Clawing furniture to shreds
Experts believe that our contemporary culture has encouraged the worst of feline hobbies. We live in a world where politicians want to tax hard work to death and where the unemployed feel they’re “owed” government handouts. As pet owners, we’ve simply become pushovers to this furry “entitlement generation” of liberal deadbeats and proto-socialists. Many live in vast, comfortable homes they could ill afford without the magic drug of Federal Reserve Bank credit. It’s all a very fragile fantasy world that can come crashing down at any moment!
Much like a teenage child, moody cats will sleep away the day if given the chance. They only rise for food and maybe a little television, before contriving some way to annoy you with their personal drama. They barely take the time to notice the nice things you do for them. And forget about a cat showing even the slightest consideration when you’ve had a difficult or exhausting day. Much like a brooding high schooler, selfishness appears to be their default state of mind!
So let’s make that cat’s day more about YOU and what she can do to get YOUR life back on track!
• Meme Generator: Some plucky humans have figured out ways to monetize instinctive feline grumpiness by taking hundreds upon hundreds of photos and posting them on LOLCats and Reddit until one actually goes viral. Next step, take that image and plaster it on everything from coffee mugs to greeting cards and you’re be pouncing on your piles of cash in no time!
• “Bodega” Employee: Bodegas are a specific type of ethnic convenience store found in rat-plagued New York City. Because of lax health standards and little money for human employees, cats often work these environments as rodent hunters. Also useful for country folk who own a barn.
• Oil Spill Cleanup: The cats don’t do this work themselves, but their hair can be woven into oil-absorbing hairmats. It made a crucial difference in the aftermath of the BP Gulf oil spill, and could even help you with those minor environmental disasters in your kitchen!
• Pet Product Modeling: While this is the dream of many, it is also a highly competitive industry that draws only the most young and beautiful. Behind the scenes, the modeling world has a reputation of being ruthless and potentially deadly for the naïve, so please be careful.
• YouTube Star: Not all cats have what it takes to be video stars, but for those who do, the advertising revenue plan on YouTube has made countless young Asian women some serious cash. But please, for the love of all that is holy, shoot horizontal not vertical with those iPhones, people!
• Life Coach/Fraternity Brother: I must admit the whole “bro culture” thing is a little confusing to me, but apparently felines can play an important role in helping these young men develop self-esteem and sexual boundaries.
• Jewelry Designer: What to do with all that unwanted cat hair in between your couch cushions? Flora Davis was inspired to turn that mess into art. She now sells unique, handcrafted pieces at her Etsy storefront. If the jewelry takes off, Davis is considering investing in a whole warehouse of cats!
• Railway Cat: Popular in Europe and Japan, uniformed cats exude an air of authority in these transportation centers. They keep an eye out for odd human behaviors and encourage patience when irate travelers come to the station master’s office to complain about lost luggage.
• Boyfriend Tester: Cats, by default, hate strong, masculine men and this can be used to your advantage. Plop kitty in his lap the first time he comes over to visit and study his reaction. If the cat hisses and pounces on the man’s groin, it may be a sign of male virility. On the other hand, if there is a lot of petting and purring going on, it could indicate an entirely different issue.
Remember, don’t be daunted! Your cats will fight you at every turn, but when they’re older and employed in something worthwhile, they’ll truly appreciate your compassionate parenting. Don’t be fooled if they try to argue that their laziness is somehow saving you money. And if they get sassy, remind them it could be worse. Or much worse.
My last piece of advice to all you cat entrepreneurs out there is that when you’re flush with the feline financials, remember to stash some of that cash away. The brutal truth is that today’s hot “it” cat will soon be yesterday’s old news.