For the past eight years, a secret battle has been waging at the highest levels of the National Football League. It’s not about money or glory or Super Bowl rings. No, this battle is all about power, for the NFL is one of the most tightly controlled dominions in global entertainment.
The relationship between the NFL and the Illuminati is well documented. Ancient occult symbols are regularly incorporated into team logos. Half-time performers employ ritualistic hand symbols to send messages to the inner circle. The sport’s first two championship trophies — the Brunswick-Balke Collender Cup (a silver fertility chalice) and the Ed Thorp Memorial Trophy (fashioned after a Viking drinking horn) — have been hidden out of public view in an Illuminati temple in Harlem for over half a century. Leadership in these organizations is drawn from the most important members of the New World Order — billionaires and media moguls, political insiders and tech barons. Much about the games seems questionable, from the improbable rise of the Seattle Seahawks (remember when the ref gave Golden Tate that lousy touchdown against the Packers last year?) to the Falcon’s history of really bad trades. But the most damning piece of evidence is the very concept of the football game itself.
The Sabbath Enshrined as a Day of Sweat, Lust and Pigskin
One of the ultimate goals of the Illuminati is to undermine spirituality. In the Ten Commandments, we are instructed to keep the Sabbath as a Holy Day. Yet when football season heats up, our church pews empty out. Sunday, once a day of faith and contemplation, becomes a screaming display of animalism and indulgence. Men become slothful, proud, drunk and gluttonous. They look at the male physique with lustful eyes, yearning for each bulging thigh and spitting growl. The players are idols in their eyes, replacing the peaceful wisdom of Jesus. And to what end? As a former Dolphins fan, I can say with complete honesty that every December ends in misery and outrage.
Despite simple mathematics — it’s guaranteed that the majority of fans end up losers at the end of every season — many American men remain distracted by football. It’s one of the most important sports on television today. For the moments we’re watching, it’s invigorating and fulfilling. We imagine ancient armies in the Scandinavian highlands, with their thick armor and fierce helmets, lining up for a grand fight on a verdant knoll. (It’s no coincidence that the game itself is a reenactment of a Viking battle scene, since the Illuminati owes its origins to that culture.) And then there’s Erin Andrews on the sidelines! And after, we have ESPN and Deadspin to keep us warm though the night. This sort of fantasy distraction is, of course, the Illuminati’s sole purpose for national media entertainment. It is the perfect antidote to political awareness.
A strange thing has been happening of late in this male-dominated world. It began with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, who became so successful they were more popular than the team they were cheering. Then came Georgia Frontiere, owner of the St. Louis Rams and senior member of the Illuminati. It is rumored she traded decades of personal favors in exchange for the far-fetched success of her team. Indeed, during her reign the Rams made the playoffs 14 seasons, played in 25 postseason games, won 13 postseason games, reached the Super Bowl three times and won the championship game once in 2000, despite a string of mediocre coaches. Frontiere worked tirelessly to open the door to female sideline reporters, further feminizing the testosterone-driven sport.
Beyonce’s Illuminati Welcome Sign Changes Everything
Since 2005, a group of radical lesbians and hardened feminists in the Illuminati have agitated for even more feminine control of the NFL. Notorious amongst them are former Attorney General Janet Reno (a Dolphins fan who is said to have taken her home team’s disastrous record quite personally) and Gisele Bundchen (supermodel wife of Patriots QB Tom Brady). Other power players on the scene include super agent Kelli Masters, Raiders owner Carol Davis, Oprah Winfrey (Bears fan), Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor (a New York Jets fan who once handed down a ruling that would keep both college football and pro ball extremely profitable for New World Order members) and Ellen Degeneres (behind the scenes fighting for the elusive Los Angeles franchise).
Observers may not have known any of this were it not for Beyonce’s Illuminati welcome at the 2013 Super Bowl. In one simple gesture, the pop star signaled a dramatic shift in football’s leadership. By displaying the secret fertility triangle, she openly announced that lesbians would be the new overlords of the sport. All those behind the scenes catfights were officially over, she was telling the global elite. The women had finally won, the NFL was theirs.
As women seize more power in NFL skyboxes, expect some dramatic changes ahead. We’ll see more female fans and, as they change the game, half-time shows will become more elaborate and delicate. There will be plenty of locker room interviews with shirtless, muscled men. With Gisele’s favor trading and inside influence, Tom Brady will likely have a very good season this year. The Patriots may have already been chosen to win the next Super Bowl. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, whose ascension to head of the game first sparked the lesbian rebellion and ultimately the 2011 lockout, may soon be on the way out. A top contender for his job is Erin Andrews.
The Andrews Era?
Erin Andrews’s leadership of the NFL will likely have serious consequences for the game. She has indicated that as a future commissioner she’d like to expand the sport into more, “sensitive, eco-friendly environments.” Look for such expansion teams as the “Portland Free-Range Ramps,” with the hipster-friendly team colors of coral and mustard, and the “West Hollywood Histrionics,” aimed specifically at Los Angeles’ famously flamboyant homosexual population. An all-male burlesque cheerleading squad is also in the offing. The new commissioner may seek to dump the artificial turf now used on playing fields. Rumors suggest Andrews prefers something green and “multi-use,” such as the wheatgrass/sprouts combination that vegan groups have been promoting. The advantage of a wheatgrass/sprouts field is that is can be used to make healthy shakes for the players during half time (goodbye Gatorade!), but the reality of an earthen-based surface may offend today’s prima donna players and excessively gentle linebackers. If Andrews’s turf battle is successful, however, some vegans hope to make the ultimate change to football. They see the “pigskin” being retired once and for all, to be replaced by artisanally-crafted footballs composed of soy-glazed cotton and recycled cork.