Do you have a fundamental right to say no to latex? Or can jackbooted bureaucrats interrupt your intimacy to slap a slippery prophylactic on your manhood whenever they please? An usual court case in Los Angeles County is grappling with this enormous issue and the results could unleash a flood of sticky legal issues for generations to come.
At the heart of this debate is a measure that voters approved on Election Day, known as Measure B, which prohibits unprotected sexual intercourse in adult movies. It’s aimed at the gay porn industry, where such carnality is known as “barebacking,” a condom-less form of anal penetration between hairy-chested men in poorly-lit concrete bunkers. While the dialogue of these films is a crime unto itself, the legal move would have serious economic repercussions for Southern California, where the majority of America’s porn studios are based.
Yet the First Amendment precedents pose an even greater threat to our American way of life. In both ancient and modern Biblical interpretations, latex condoms are considered a sin. They promote promiscuity by divorcing the act of copulation from the act of procreation. In essence, condoms make it far too easy for people to enjoy hardcore sexual activity without the guilt, suffering or marriage associated with pregnancy. This is, quite simply, a grave affront to Christians all over the nation.
It could even get much worse. If the courts open the door and allow government officials to contracept at whim, it wouldn’t be long before radical feminists hijack these precepts and extend them to society at large. We could be forced to rubberize even in the most casual of circumstances. From yodeling in the gully to slapping the clown around town, feminine activists could utterly redefine heterosexual lovemaking.
Ultimately, Evangelical Christians and radical homosexual degenerates need to set aside their differences so they work may work together on this vital issue. If we consider the Garden of Eden, it’s clear that being bare and natural was the very first human right. Since then, it has become an essential building block of our society, through its role in procreation to its ever-grunting celebration of modern masculinity. Disposing of man’s most precious essence inside a flaccid rubber tube is an insult of the highest order and very well could be the root of our nation’s rapidly deflating presence in the four corners of the world.
Is going without a condom a Free Speech issue? My friends, it doesn’t get any freer than that!