Giggling Gnomes Riding Unicorn Puppies: The Hidden Illuminati Mythology of “House” Music

Posted on by Kaylee-Aurora
In the occult world of house music, the gnome is considered a god and a trickster.

In the occult world of house music, the gnome is considered a god and a trickster.

Robbie writes, “My new friends at college really like this trend called house music. We all sit around the couch, turn down the lights and just absorb the sounds. Sometimes the rhythm can be very uplifting and then it turns dark and I can feel Taylor’s legs touching mine and mine touching Morgan’s and I get a hot tingly weird feeling that something’s happening to my consciousness, like a door is opening. But when I go back to Christian pop, I Just can’t find that feeling no matter how hard I look.”

Dear Robbie: Behind the door of “house” music is a magical world of gnomes and new friends and maybe even erotic experiences, but you need to be very, very aware that this is not at all what it seems! It’s simply Satanism in disguise!

Many old ladies keep jolly statues of little gnomes in their gardens and people think they’re harmless. In a little bit, I’ll tell you the disturbing reason for this!

You may have noticed that people in this house music scene are utterly obsessed with gnomes. They have gnome key chains and backpacks. They’ll have photos on the cellphones and computer desktops. Many even have secret shrines to gnomes hidden deep inside their homes!

You’ll start to see the gnomes once your “friends” turn you on to illegal drugs with names like “Mary” and “Molly.” (They’re supposed to sound harmless, and slightly sexual!) When you’re high on the narcotics, the house music is like a secret siren for these tiny gnomes. They are summoned from the hollow depths of Earth to act as your “spirit guide” for a night of “magical” adventure.

Sometimes these little spirits come riding unicorn puppies and they will lead you to all sorts of crazy places. Maybe it’s a new dance club, or a friend’s rooftop. The mischievous creature will cover you in face paint and arm you with glow sticks. They’re also tricksters, and you could find yourself purchasing faux cocaine for hundreds of dollars or following a sweaty shirtless man to a basement corner. Or maybe you haven’t even left the couch all night but Morgan and Taylor have certainly left their clothes off!

Youths dress up in bizarre sexual costumes for house music raves at secret Illuminati clubs.

Youths dress up in bizarre sexual costumes for house music raves at secret Illuminati clubs.

Terry Meeuwsen of the 700 Club News Hour has reported that, “The goal of techno house music is to dance and dance very erotically. With all these bodies rubbing together, you are tempted to undress and grind close to multiple partners. This collective state of sensuality is often accompanied by illegal narcotics like ecstasy, which fool the mind into promiscuity. These sex orgies come at a great cost to one’s soul, since both men and women take part and homosexuality often occurs.”

Notorious house music occultists like Fat Boy Slim and Richie Hawtin both use unicorns in their iconography. The unicorn, of course, is a reference to the leviathan in the Bible. It’s meant to evoke euphoria, the wind blowing through your hair as you ride the creature’s back through a mystical forest of talking trees and dancing bears.

Carl Cox, another famous musician, is obsessed with gnomes. The gnome, much like leprechaun, hobbit, elf and dwarf, is an ancient god for the Illuminati. Rumor has it that Cox was personally introduced to this cult by Tiësto, an infamous member of the Israeli mafia and bastard child of Queen Beatrix, who founded the Bilderberg Group.

The Illuminati, if you’re not aware, is a secret cult of foreign billionaires who are trying to destroy American freedom through the media and mass culture. They use the United Nations and trendy songs to get you to turn away from Christ.

All this explains why house music has so few lyrics. Traditional country songs, for instance, are not afraid to tell it like it is and wear their patriotism proud. House is more like an international subliminal message. It uses “layering” as well, which many normal musicians consider too difficult and technological. Repitition and low RPM give house its sexual undertone, much like the steady, pumping rhythm of orgy copulation. Some unicorn-worshippers even believe that the beats open up your seven chakras, which literally means your buttocks, leaving a foul path for a sparkly Illuminati horn to come and penetrate your innermost soul!

All that sin will certainly age you. And you’ll hide away off some forgotten corner of Main Street, USA. But you’ll want to leave a secret sign to your fellow house music Molly heads that you’re still hip to the underground scene. That’s why so many “old ladies” leave gnomes in their gardens. They’re part of the Illuminati’s propaganda campaign to legitimize house music! And, most shocking of all, these lusty old ladies are signaling to their fellow degenerates that you’re never too old to “party and play”!

  • Åtgaum Engelskvold

    Too much giggling is nefer of a good thing.

  • Cassidy Pen

    I gave up lawn gnomes when I was persecuted for my little Song of the South boy sitting with a watermelon. Can you believe with all the dope and immorality in this country that they would come after a lawn jockey that never hurt No one?

  • Blanche Beecham

    I really have to blame Axe body spray for much of the stupidity we see in Millennials and your basic young people. I happen to be in the vicinity or should I say Chemtrail of a group of youngs at the mall. I felt dizzy, disoriented and possibly in duress due to the fog of scent and pheromone mix wafting off these lazy half-bathers. I was seeing unicorns and CareBears dancing for a few minutes. Take a bath young people! Soap may be a four letter word, but it is clean! Don’t bring chemtrails to the mall!