The American people need to face the facts. We’re in a serious crisis and the only man in politics brave enough to get the job done has a problem. That’s Senator Ted Cruz and he’s not only brilliant, but as patriotic as they come. Unfortunately, through a series of tragic mishaps, the Senator was actually born in Canada and is therefore as ineligible to be elected president as Barack Hussein Obama.
One thing we can all appreciate about Senator Cruz is that he’s been completely honest about his origins. He didn’t use ACORN activists and the ACLU to craft some tropical cover story for his birth. He was technically born on that socialist soil, but he’s vowed every fiber of his being to loving this nation. Recently, he proved his courage by standing up to Obamacare, even when the rest of the Republicans in Congress folded like a ladies blouse at a Mexican male cabaret.
As we gear up to 2016, the democrats are offering up some truly horrific possibilities. Eric Holder, Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton… Even Barack is considering an illegal third term. And let’s face facts once again, America: Chris Christie has too many mob skeletons in the closet to run. Romney is an empty shirt and a Mormon. Rand Paul, for crying out loud that toupee is awful and you always look too sweaty and awkward on TV. Mark Rubio and Bobby Jindhal are great guys, but maybe America isn’t ready for another ethnic. Governor Palin, bless your soul, I’d love to see you run again but somehow the fire has gone out in your eyes. Yes, it’s Ted Cruz or nothing at all, America. And nothing at all means communism.
Experts have noted that America has a “prima facie” case for the natural resources on our continent. Due to Middle Eastern terrorism, this crisis really is about the survival of our nation, and of Christianity. We, as Americans, have every right to share in the bounty that God has blessed North America with. Recently, this issue became particularly newsworthy when Koch Industries, one of this country’s most esteemed institutions, proposed a massive jobs initiative that would also keep the United States energy independent of Arab petroleum. Naturally, the hardcore liberals protested and claimed the XL Pipeline would destroy an owl’s nests in Oklahoma.
By a strange coincidence, the XL Pipeline would originate in the oil-rich “tar sands” of Alberta, the very same region where Ted Cruz was born. Alberta is a forgotten bastard child in the socialist state of Canada. It is under-populated and unloved, barren and characterized by human misery. Radical socialism has taken its toll on the few people who live there, people who yearn for freedom and decent jobs.
When all is said and done, we have a patriotic duty to consider the freedom of the good people of Alberta. We also have a responsibility to keep America safe from terror, and Canada’s love affair with radical socialism certainly remains a threat to our borders and our financial security.
Finally, we must also consider Senator Ted Cruz. Under the technical requirements of the United States Constitution, he may be eligible to run for the presidency if this action against our communist aggressors is taken and taken soon. It could even be argued that Cruz could theoretically invade Alberta after his election to the presidency to legitimate himself, sort of like a “grandfather clause” for the general health of our nation. The excitement of a Cruz presidential run and the subsequent war for Albertan liberty is guaranteed to electrify enough voters to put Senator Ted over the top.
Energy independence from Arab terrorists, a Tea Party presidency, a massive jobs initiative from an American company and the incredible gift of freedom from socialism for Alberta– it’s a recipe for success!