Help! I Married a Masturbator!

Posted on by Doc Bacon

masturbatorDear Doc Bacon,

I’m torn up and I don’t know what to do! I married the man of my dreams 6 months ago and up until yesterday, it was a fairy tale! What happened was I needed some important files from his laptop, but when I turned on his computer I found his internet history was full of really, really disgusting websites! This was x-rated stuff with really nasty girls and most of it was, well I feel weird typing this… anal penetration. I just felt so dumb after seeing all that. When I confronted him down at his job, he denied it. I cried and he just lied right to my face and said it wasn’t his fault! Is he homosexual? Will this hurt our chances of having a child? I’m so scared of leaving him alone in the house anymore. Even when he’s in the bathroom I have to stand outside the door listening. I’m going crazy with doubts and just don’t know if our marriage will survive! — Signed, Weeping in Wichita

Dear WiW, there’s no room for equivocation on this issue: masturbation during marriage is simply immoral. It’s an insult to the vows of Holy Matrimony and an affront to your femininity. It’s selfish, deviant behavior that can cause both stress and delusions of grandeur. On top of that, it isn’t very romantic!

According to a 1984 survey from the Southern Baptist Convention, 38% of married Christian men masturbate. With the plague of radical liberalism America has faced since then, that number has likely increased. That’s over 50 million men masturbating at any given time! I can’t get that graphic image out of my head! This is truly a crisis for Christian families all across America.

As we read in 1 Corinthians 7:5, Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

To prove that your husband has been tempted by darkness, I’m going to need you to be strong. You can do this! If you really want him to give up his habit, you’ll need to catch him in the act of masturbation and humiliate him in a very direct way. Let’s show him just how disgusting this foul, perverse addiction really is!

To Catch a Masturbator: Eight Great Tips

1. Disable the lock on your bathroom so you can “accidentally” burst in on his little sessions any time you please.

2. Monitor that mancave! Men absolutely love to masturbate in basements, so pay special attention to any attempts at private time down there.

3. Watch the Vaseline! Keep track of household products like hand creams and facial tissues that could be used for this disturbing activity. You can mark the levels with a sharpie or weigh the Kleenex on a small household scale.

4. The techies tell me you can “mirror his laptop” to your TV. That means while he’s surfing the internet in one room of the house, you can be watching each and every click on your flatscreen in the kitchen. If you’re not at home, record all his web usage with a DVR or a VHS for later review.

5. Ask him to pray with your pastor over the problem of masturbation. If he tries to avoid the issue, don’t be afraid to confront his hypocrisy!

6. Be aware of eye contact during intercourse. If he drifts or doesn’t seem 100% present at all times, he may be fantasizing about somebody else. Call him out on that!

7. Check his genital region for dryness, chafing or overly aggressive pubic grooming. These are all signs of phallic self-abuse.

8. Before you do the laundry, make a show of smelling his underwear and then announce, “This smells like semen!” If he blushes or tries to leave the room, you’ve got your proof!

Good luck!


About This Journalist

Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inoculate citizens against our nation’s pandemic of socialism, scientism and sexual perversion.