Help! I Married a Masturbator!

Posted on by Doc Bacon

masturbatorDear Doc Bacon,

I’m torn up and I don’t know what to do! I married the man of my dreams 6 months ago and up until yesterday, it was a fairy tale! What happened was I needed some important files from his laptop, but when I turned on his computer I found his internet history was full of really, really disgusting websites! This was x-rated stuff with really nasty girls and most of it was, well I feel weird typing this… anal penetration. I just felt so dumb after seeing all that. When I confronted him down at his job, he denied it. I cried and he just lied right to my face and said it wasn’t his fault! Is he homosexual? Will this hurt our chances of having a child? I’m so scared of leaving him alone in the house anymore. Even when he’s in the bathroom I have to stand outside the door listening. I’m going crazy with doubts and just don’t know if our marriage will survive! — Signed, Weeping in Wichita

Dear WiW, there’s no room for equivocation on this issue: masturbation during marriage is simply immoral. It’s an insult to the vows of Holy Matrimony and an affront to your femininity. It’s selfish, deviant behavior that can cause both stress and delusions of grandeur. On top of that, it isn’t very romantic!

According to a 1984 survey from the Southern Baptist Convention, 38% of married Christian men masturbate. With the plague of radical liberalism America has faced since then, that number has likely increased. That’s over 50 million men masturbating at any given time! I can’t get that graphic image out of my head! This is truly a crisis for Christian families all across America.

As we read in 1 Corinthians 7:5, Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

To prove that your husband has been tempted by darkness, I’m going to need you to be strong. You can do this! If you really want him to give up his habit, you’ll need to catch him in the act of masturbation and humiliate him in a very direct way. Let’s show him just how disgusting this foul, perverse addiction really is!

To Catch a Masturbator: Eight Great Tips

1. Disable the lock on your bathroom so you can “accidentally” burst in on his little sessions any time you please.

2. Monitor that mancave! Men absolutely love to masturbate in basements, so pay special attention to any attempts at private time down there.

3. Watch the Vaseline! Keep track of household products like hand creams and facial tissues that could be used for this disturbing activity. You can mark the levels with a sharpie or weigh the Kleenex on a small household scale.

4. The techies tell me you can “mirror his laptop” to your TV. That means while he’s surfing the internet in one room of the house, you can be watching each and every click on your flatscreen in the kitchen. If you’re not at home, record all his web usage with a DVR or a VHS for later review.

5. Ask him to pray with your pastor over the problem of masturbation. If he tries to avoid the issue, don’t be afraid to confront his hypocrisy!

6. Be aware of eye contact during intercourse. If he drifts or doesn’t seem 100% present at all times, he may be fantasizing about somebody else. Call him out on that!

7. Check his genital region for dryness, chafing or overly aggressive pubic grooming. These are all signs of phallic self-abuse.

8. Before you do the laundry, make a show of smelling his underwear and then announce, “This smells like semen!” If he blushes or tries to leave the room, you’ve got your proof!

Good luck!


About This Journalist

Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inoculate citizens against our nation’s pandemic of socialism, scientism and sexual perversion.

  • Stephenson_Billings

    I hope she catches the rascal!

    • Ultimo Patriarch

      perhaps she could join him and turn it into foreplay therebye saving their marriage from this terrible vice.

  • Blanche Beecham

    This Valentine’s Day, I hope that couples learn to make love with more respect for one another as creatures from a loving creator that watches over them and sees them yanking on that thing like it’s a stick shift and their driving in the LaMans. Someone is watching you playing speed racer! Time to adult and put on the brakes!

    You can’t make babies just by playing with it!

  • David

    Right on! All men know that men never get enough nookie from their women so if he’s masturbating it’s all you ladies fault.

  • Kaylee-Aurora

    Some men are just disgusting. I can’t hardly imagine why a guy does this sort of thing.

    • Nick Nicometi

      Disgusting because we have a natural sex drive? We men would probably have sex and procreate with multiple partners/wives, but for religious beliefs, and the guilt therefrom projected on men from their proselytizing by their female partners. Women ubiquitously use guilt as a form of control. This article is disturbing, as I see the suggestions as a form a fascism and control. Why men marry to imprison themselves for life is something I don’t understand.

  • Bill

    Bible says Onan was ok, just not on the ground, right?

  • All true believers know that life begins in the sperm, not at conception. Therefore, the wasting of precious seed is murdering millions of unborn babies. It would be illegal if not for the liberal socialist homosexuals who have taken over all branches of government. The evil sin of masturbation is undoubtedly a crime against God and will be punished by eternal hellfire, just as the Bible promises.

    • Nick Nicometi

      Where in the bible is masturbation addressed, please? Wasting a seed in akin to murder?
      Illegal to touch oneself? Sounds like an extreme form of communism.

      • Debora

        As long as you don’t get all the way to the spurting, you’re ok. Just play with it until you get close and back off. Do it all day long if you want.

    • Ian Schroeder

      LOL, you sound just like the extremist muslim groups, you want biblical law. Which is almost like communism.

  • Blu Balzac

    I like this thread so much, I had to take it in hand.
    Now I know how to better cover-up my pleasure from “The Other One”!

  • zika virus3434

    zika virus is here!

  • Ian Schroeder

    LOL, figures this type of article would have ads like “stop masturbation” and “the dangers of mara ju wannna!!!” and “is trump our last hope”? XD I honestly hope this is a troll, because if not, then you all need some serious help. lmao…. using fairy tales to halt natural behavior….

  • Resistenza

    Reason 8. is simply ignorant. The semen could be just from a wet dream. Dumbass answer!

    “8. Before you do the laundry, make a show of smelling his underwear and then announce, “This smells like semen!” If he blushes or tries to leave the room, you’ve got your proof!”

    Ignorance is funny.