How Should I Punish My Son for Masturbating?

Posted on by Doc Bacon

stop itI am getting really fed up with my son. He never helps out around the house and never does his homework. He’s just lazy! This week alone I’ve caught him about ten times gratifying himself. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, he seems to always sneak off to do it. And I’m the one who has to pick up the stinky tissues from the floor and wash those nasty sheets! It’s just disrespectful and frankly a boy at 18 should know better. Is there anything I can do to make him get his act together? –Angry in Austin.

Reckless and persistent self-gratification is a common but rarely discussed crisis for American teens today. Parents need to understand that such indulgence leads the child to become overly infatuated with his or her own body. This “self love” can actually hurt their ability to socialize normally with members of the opposite sex. Beyond that, the masturbator starts to believe that their post-ejaculatory mindset– exhausted, histrionic and unfocused– is both normal and acceptable for public interactions. Incidentally, this is the same psychological state that afflicts pot smokers. When the masturbation habit evolves into an addiction, just as with marijuana, work and family inevitably suffer. Below are just a few ways that you can counteract this dangerous weakness:

1. Long, hot baths
The masturbator exudes a filthy ripeness after he’s “finished his business.” Beyond the odor of sweat, he will smell like a curious mixture of laundry bleach and damp almonds. To counteract this, Mothers should admonish their boys to take long, hot baths and to be very thorough in there. By emphasizing cleanliness, you are laying the foundation for the mature responsibilities of adulthood.

2. You’re grounded, young man!
Want to hit your teen where it hurts? Their freedom is certainly their most prized possession and by sending your child to his room, you’re letting him know that his negative actions have serious consequences. Don’t be surprised if after an hour or two he emerges with an apology!

3. Take away their phone, television and videogame privileges
A teen can waste an entire day in front of the boob tube or yakking on the phone and barely notice that he’s grounded. Let him know this is not the time to catch up on back episodes of Twilight by limiting his pleasure outlets.

4. Spanking?
Despite the ridiculous reign of new age liberal sensitivity in America today, sometimes the old-fashioned ways work best. When offended by such a foul teenage habit, Moms need to be free to express themselves! Don’t be afraid to plop your son over your knee and tan his bare hide with a good spanking. He may even thank you for it later in life.

5. Early bed times
Sending your teen to bed early sends a clear message that you think his actions are juvenile and that they deserve a punishment fit for a juvenile.

6. Make him earn your respect back
It’s important that you let your teen know just how ashamed and unhappy you feel about his dangerous self-abuse. Be direct when you confront him and be stay vigilant in the days ahead. You can monitor his progress in a notebook and when you detect unusual stains and that almond/bleach smell on his sheets, let him know right away that he’s not getting away with it this time!

About This Journalist

Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inoculate citizens against our nation’s pandemic of socialism, scientism and sexual perversion.

  • Stephenson_Billings

    A classic of Parenting 101!

  • N

    I think Dr. Plimpton is right on the money. This is a major problem with teens today. I can only be thankful that I grew up in the fifties, when masturbation didn’t exist.

    • Michael658

      Masturbation didn’t exist in the 50’s? What planet did you grow up on? Masturbation has been around as long as time. It’s even mentioned in the bible. There’s nothing wrong with the kid spanking the monkey; it’s as normal as breathing. The problem is being rather cavalier about the aftermath, and not cleaning up after himself. That’s just simple laziness, and THAT”S the core issue that needs to be addressed, not his self-gratification.
      However, with that said, masturbation with that frequency could be indicative of other issues. He needs to have a discussion with parents, or a professional, and find out why he does it so often. Are there self-esteem issues, is he watching porn incessantly, afraid of girls…? Maybe he just needs to get laid.

      • Liche Christ

        Only bad people did it. and it was usually obvious by observing spots on their hands, and many with very poor vision, … some even going blind!

        • Disco58

          Tell me you’re just being facetious…?

          • Preacher Harry Powell

            Listen friend, you have a great deal of nerve coming here and throwing around words like “facetious”. What is that supposed to mean anyway? If you think you impress anyone here with such $2 words, you are egregiously mistaken. We speak plainly here and tell simple truths. You can’t obfuscate such truths by hiding behind big, difficult words, no matter how eclectic your choices might be. The truth is the truth no matter how you say it, and it’s as simple as that you troglodyte!

          • Abba Scodilli

            Obfuscate is at least a 3$ word…

        • Jack N

          That is absolute bullshit. No one has ever encountered spots, bad vision, blindness, or indeed any problem at all, as an aftermath of masturbation. That is a theory that was put to bed as wrong a very long time ago. And it was there because people such as yourself wrongly thought it was a bad and immoral thing to do. But no! Masturbation is a good thing, and has never caused any damage. And no matter what you say, you can’t prove otherwise. There is just no scientific support for what you are saying. It is just simply Bollocks.. Absolute bollocks.

          • RRR

            Sorry, to inform you but a recent paper by Seralini and Seneff has demonstrated conclusively that post masturbation vision will often be complicated by multi-colored spots. Such visual impairment is a clear symptom of early onset rabittitis.

          • Abba Scodilli

            Quacks, no doubt…

      • Preacher Harry Powell

        I hate to break it to you son, but you are dead wrong. Not only did masturbation not exist in the 50’s (when we had good, Godly men like Senator McCarthy to keep us on the straight-and-narrow), the phenomenon was never even proven to exist until 1972. Get your facts straight before you post such un-educated poop, would you kindly? The first anthropological confirmation of masturbation as an actual fact was made by Professor Of Christian Studies J. Martin Bunghoel in his paper on the Fappua Tribe of New Guinea. They were a rogue group ejected from the village of the Papua for engaging in what they termed “jackinnxua”, which is the act that we know today as masturbation. Which only goes to demonstrate that such behaviour is as socially and morally UNACCEPTABLE to a bunch of small, naked colored people in the jungles as it is here in America today. All I’m going to say is that if you wish to enjoy the rich rewards a relationship with Lord God Jehovah can bring, you need to do your homework, say your prayers and keep your hands away from your little bishop in a turtleneck. Got it? And please don’t waste our time again until you have something intelligent to say.

        • Michael658

          You should go on stage. That was funny!

      • seanmartin

        Wow… just… wow.

        Dude, you DO realize this is a satire site, right? I mean, honestly, you can be so stupid as to read that article and think, “Hey, this is a ringing bell of truth!”

        • Michael658

          Well, considering some of the comments from what appear to be religious fundies, no, it didn’t occur to me this was satire. I’ve gotten rather accustomed to reading exactly that kind of stupidity on Facebook, so I respond to it.

    • Liche Christ

      LOL! Me too.

    • Boris Badenov

      Good for you, I grew up in the 60s and I am still addicted to masturbation. My first wife said in counseling that I must have the worlds softest penis since I applied hand lotion so often.

      Fortunately for me the pot in Wisconsin in the 60s was really hemp, so I didn’t get addicted and die from THC intoxication.

      • Toggaf

        “Die of thc intoxication”

  • MyUsernameIsaLecture

    Ok, this one made me laugh. Thanks for that.

  • jtown

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! How sexually repressed are you fucking people? Masturbation is normal! And advocating child abuse in order to stop it? WOW! Doc Bacon you are a real piece of shit.

    • The Kilted Yaksman

      That’s the joke, dumbass.

    • SiliconNooB

      Another typical case of masturhate!

      You want to adopt some more wholesome night time activities, son!

      • Kaylee-Aurora

        It’s good to now that many others are aware that this is a serious issue.

        • Disco58

          You are joking, right?

        • Robert Gehrman

          I just masturbated to ur pic, Kaylee. Oh shit I think m goin blind

          • Toggaf

            And i just jerked off to yours 😉

      • Abba Scodilli

        And what might these ‘wholesome’ night time activities be, I might wonder! I will bet they are no fun at all… Or maybe visiting hookers, no JO involved there. Ya might get lumps on yer ding-dang, but at least yer not raping yourself…

  • ChristiansRstupiD

    The article said the “teen” is 18? he is a fully grown adult, he can do what he wants, and if jerkin it off is what he wants who are you to judge him? i think masturbation is the basis for social interaction of the opposite gender, if he knows how he works, he should be curious how girls work, if not he is showing sign of homosexuality and oh no! cant have that happen can we?

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      You’re probably really into this scene, perv.

      • Ronnie Juice Miranda

        isn’t every body???

      • Trayvon’s Pussy

        ^ Mad because she isn’t good masturbation material.

        • Kaylee-Aurora

          Are you a perv to every woman you encounter on the internet? What if I was your mother?

          • NunSlayer666

            Sweetheart, I would’ve ran away from home if you were my mother.

          • hdtex

            I would have shot you between the eyes if you were my mother you lesbian pervert!

          • kayla

            I think this whole situation is due to media everything us sex ! It’s disgusting

          • Crazed Otaku

            If you were my mother you wouldn’t care bacause she knows it’s normal

  • xceed

    I jerked off to this article…fap…fap…fap…

  • ChemtrailsOfPot

    He leaves tissues and dirty sheets and is frequently walked in on? Any self-respecting masturbator leans up after him/herself and ensures that no-one walks in on them.

    • Abba Scodilli

      Is his bedroom in the living room? Or do you not knock before entering?

  • Spankings will turn into sexual gratification. Way to go, Mom.

  • Miranda M

    If you think it’s appropriate to bare ass spank an 18 year old boy you have severe psychological issues that need to be dealt with. There is nothing liberal about respect for another human being. Masturbation is a healthy and normal part of coming into your sexuality.. as you would know if you took any Introduction to Psychology ever. (which you should have since you are supposed to be a physician) This article should have been published in 1950.

    • Miranda M

      Also, your son needs to learn to pick up after himself but… why are you coming in his room to clean? He is 18.

  • Robi

    What the heck really? This is the craziest thing I have seen. So what he’s 18 and likes to fap. He’s a grown man. Talk to any real doctor where you live and they will tell u it’s normal. Heck even dr oz does

    • Stephenson_Billings

      Is anyone else bothered by the fact that “Robi” here seems so obsessed (and maybe a little titillated?) by the idea of a young teen excessively gratifying himself?

      • Abba Scodilli

        Why is it that whenever anyone says something that makes sense. You turn it into some deviancy? Yer a quack! Guess what I did before I went to sleep last night! I fapped. Guess what I did this morning cause my penis was hard when I woke up. I… fapped! It felt good, and cleaned out the old stuff. I will bet yer gonna get ED and prostate cancer from lack of use, You probly look at yer own junk and think Demon Stick! But remember…, you need it to make more followers to your brainsickly nonsense!

    • SiliconNooB

      Self-rape is never “normal”!

      • Robert Gehrman

        U can’t rape the willing, moron.

        • SiliconNooB

          Firstly, God does not grant his consent for man to defile his body in this way.

          Secondly, children are too young to grant consent anyway, making this unconsensual rape, moron!

          • Robert Gehrman

            No. Firstly: I proclaim proudly I am Mine. If Life is a gift to me, then My life is Mine first and foremost.
            And, Secondly, non-consent to ones self doesn’t make sense. Requiring consent from one’s own self does not make sense either. I don’t ask my self if its ok to comb my hair in the morning… Do you? 🙂 lol
            How can a person be too young NOT to give in to their own desire to be free from internal conflict or outside control? Your god seems to want us to worry about every little inconsequential thing we do. But if he was real I certainly would not run to his lap when called, like a shamed and abused little dog, at any age.
            BONUS: Here is some rubbish in the Book Of Numbers about consent and little girls: http://www.biblestudytools.com/numbers/31-18-compare.html
            Your religion has turned you against your self and your inner nature, Sir, and then told you that your impulses are not EVEN your own biological and mental processes but are instead implanted by a mischevious red man with a tail…. A lot of people want oh, idk, *proof* maybe before flipping that big of a chunk of their own current reality on its head and relegating ones life to extreme mental servitude… Is it self-respectful to throw in the towel and stifle harmless bits of your very nature because a rumor in an old book said you should ?
            Let kids be kids— Please don’t feed them religion before they’re old enough to consent to religion. If they’re too young to have fun with themselves then they are probably too young to be a spiritual slave to an invisible dictator in the sky.

          • SiliconNooB

            Wow, so you’re really going to argue in favour of doing sex with children? o_O

          • Robert Gehrman

            What dude? No. I’m showing you your bible is not always a palatable source of “morals”. Read Numbers 31 !!! You’ll vomit on it!
            And a child touching oneself is not sex. Self masturbation is not rape. Religion is rape, mental rape.

          • SiliconNooB

            You speak with a forked tongue!

          • Robert Gehrman

            That’s one opinion. But Silicon, you speak with a forked heart. Whatever I say that makes sense against your god you’re just gonna keep jumping like a little silly man “OOH IT MUST BE THE DEVIL watch out ya’all ! Ooh almost got me!” and somewhere inside, you know you’re just playing it safe. Just in case your sacred boogeyman does exist. Because oh so much evidence LOL 🙂

          • SiliconNooB

            You’re right – walking in the light of Jesus Christ is much safer than being condemned to double hell for spreading the Devil’s lies! 🙂

          • Robert Gehrman

            If how you live is “playing it safe”, you can count me out. What a wicked god you worship ! I feel much safer with my own judgement than the crazy crock of shit you call a bible.

          • Banned_from_Japan

            What the hell, Robert? Get the fuck outta your closet. Learn to know a troll when you meet one. This site is 100% satire, you dumb son of a whore.

          • LeAnn Whitefeather

            A ‘whore’ has a brain at least. A pecker has a head but no brainbrain. Therefore ‘peckerhead’ can be used here .

          • Abba Scodilli

            Such language! Yer going to triple Hell for that! Right Silicon?

          • Banned_from_Japan

            Death’s the final word.

          • Abba Scodilli

            Whaa??? What do ya mean by that Lol

          • Jack N

            Well said, sir.

          • Abba Scodilli

            Get em! Get em!

          • LeAnn Whitefeather

            Awwwgh sick fairey tales. Your Beliefs are pure crap-crap. Don’t be shoving your devil hell at anyone.

          • Abba Scodilli

            Jesus was an alien, Satan is long gone! Double hell? What a weirdo…

          • SiliconNooB

            That is precisely the sort of thing that I’d expect the devil to say as he pleasures his infernal rod in Double TRIPPLE Hell!!

          • Abba Scodilli

            Quadruple hell. I don’t believe in heaven and hell tho. So I will leave that brainsickly nonsense to you, Billings, Kaydee, and darling Blanche!

          • Abba Scodilli

            Ya! Git ’em!!!

          • Abba Scodilli

            Its in yer stupid holy book! Yer book is arguing that apparently!

          • SiliconNooB

            I think you’re confusing us with Muslims.

          • Abba Scodilli

            You did follow that link right? I don’t care about Muslims! Yer just lashing out at me cause I’m picking at you. Why am I picking at you? Because you are wrong! I bet yer a treasure in real life!

          • Jack N

            God might not gran his consent, but that’s his business. If I or any other person decide to masturbate, that is up to them, not god. And secondly, How can you even bring the idea of having to give consent to something you yourself are doing. If I decide to do something (I.E masturbate), that’s practically the opposite of unconsensual. Your logic has more holes than a never ending golf course. you’re either Mad, stupid, joking, or just dumbfoundedly ill-informed.

          • Abba Scodilli

            An alien that left 2000+ years ago is not gonna care. And even if he was around! I’m gonna fap if I wanna fap, because his reasons no longer apply!

          • SiliconNooB

            God doesn’t care if you are a Scientologist – he will punish your degeneracy irrespective of whether you worship a 2000 year old alien, you queer!

          • Abba Scodilli

            Name calling, the last resort of the incorrect zealot! Yer worshiping the departed alien zealot! Not me! That’s why yer a mess!

          • Crazed Otaku

            If for doesn’t consent is to masturbate why did he give us a dick and balls, and make our balls produce testosterone to help us get hard so we can masturbate, and why did he give us our petuitary gland to help our testosterone give us boners when were horny. Oh wait I know BECAUSE MASTURBATING IS NORMAL

          • SiliconNooB

            No, those are only for procreation – otherwise we couldn’t have children, genius!

      • LeAnn Whitefeather

        Hahaha this is a joke. Y’all are believing this ?

      • Abba Scodilli

        Weirdo! You must be some boring in bed!

        • SiliconNooB

          You consider rape to be normal bedroom etiquette? Oh child… It is difficult to fathom just how your parents could have got it so wrong when it came to child-rearing. Do you even have a father?

          • Abba Scodilli

            I dunno WHY you would consider masturbation self rape. The notion is ridiculous! My parents had better things to do rather then monitor my behavior like that. Why would it be any of their or YOUR business? Self-rape! I still got plenty of splooge to spread no matter how much I waste masturbating…

    • Anonymous

      I got yelled for masturbating by my grandma once. She said that people used to be jailed for that. Is that true?

      • Liche Christ

        LOL! Yes of course! I remember US Penis code 4:11 ; regarding dereliction by penis dilectus; section fapping 1; 2; 3.

        • Abba Scodilli

          Hilarious!

  • Infatuated

    stoopid fhinks arr me raed dis aphtr

  • Ronnie Juice Miranda

    MASTURBATION IS GREAT

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Let me ask you this: do you find it fulfilling? Has it helped your social life, your employment or your relationship to Christ?

      • Guest

        Masturbation hasn’t helped my relationship with Christ, but buttf*cking my blowup Jesus doll does bring us closer.

        • SiliconNooB

          Your nights spent masturhating has clearly corrupted your spirituality.

          You should pray to Jesus for guidance and forgiveness.

          • Kaylee-Aurora

            Jesus always listens. God bless for your nice thoughts.

          • Abba Scodilli

            You shhhhh! Hes typing! Jesus didn’t hear none of it!

          • Abba Scodilli

            Lol!

        • Abba Scodilli

          Lol! Nice one!

      • Robert Gehrman

        I masturbate to Christ as the holy ghost fills me (in my butt.) So, I’m safe.

      • Abba Scodilli

        You again! Youza funny one! Social:check! Makes sure you know what feels good for when the demon stick is inserted into its demon hole? Employment:check! Yer in a bad mood at work, do a little fap over lunch, voila! Good mood at work! Christ:don’t need to give a crap cause he aint caring about that! Anything that feels good, or pleasurable is condemned by you zealots! How boring your life must be…

  • MattShizzle

    Do people not realize this is a parody???

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Your life is a parody. A parody of something that could have been useful and good.

      Why are liberals always so arrogant about telling everyone else in this world how to live when they can barely get their own nonsense together?

      • matthewmess

        Because conservatives never do any of that.

        • Kaylee-Aurora

          I honestly feel sorry for you. If all your life amounts to playing with yourself like a child than I honestly feel sorry for you.

          • matthewmess

            And I honestly feel sorry for you if what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms bothers you this much.

          • Kaylee-Aurora

            So is it okay to cut myself or rape a dog, as long as its in my bedroom? That’s a dumb fail at logic right there Matt.

          • hdtex

            Oh GAWD! Not only is Kaylle-Aurora into hot lesbian sex with fellow church ladies SHE’S INTO CUTTING AND BESTIALITY! You make the baby Jeebus cry Kaylee!

          • Stephenson_Billings

            Your are a horrible human being.

          • Abba Scodilli

            And you are a rutabaga!

          • matthewmess

            And comparing masturbation to self-harm and bestiality is totally rational.

          • Stephenson_Billings

            Apples and oranges, my friend. But guess what? They’re both fruits!

          • Abba Scodilli

            OOOOH! Theres some of those true colors! Quadruple Hell for you blasphemer!

          • Old Guy In Stanton

            >>>”And comparing masturbation to self-harm and bestiality is totally rational.”

            Of course it is! That’s why they call it self-ABUSE and why two of the “pet names” that degenerates have for their pee-pees is “snake” or “lizard.” Now I’m no expert in this, but if snakes and lizards are not beasts, I don’t know what are.

          • Jack N

            I rather think you mean “Irrational”

          • Robert Gehrman

            It is not wrong to cut yourself. Dangerous yes, but not necessarily wrong. And, uhm, raping a dog?! Masturbation is a solo act; whats been on your mind honey?? Your head is so brainwashed full of dictatorship that you wouldn’t know logic if it hit you in the ass would you?

          • Jack N

            What has bad or violent things such as raping a dog got to do with masturbation got to do with masturbation? It is a perfectly normal thing. Dumb fail at logic, yourself.

          • Abba Scodilli

            Yer comment is a logic fail! Hes talking about sex or jerking off! When did the following: And I honestly feel sorry for you if what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms bothers you this much./- mention cutting or violating dogs?!?! Theres that twisting again. Billings lives with you dont he? I will bet he stick his demon stick in yer butt for, wait for it…, BUTT SEX! Maybe you cut yerself in yer bedroom while raping a dog! Sexual fantasies for zealots?!?!?

      • Michael658

        What a laugh! You say liberals are telling everyone else how to live, then you preach the gospel about this kid masturbating, and say needs lord jebus to stop this perverted act. What a hypocrite. But that’s standard christian rhetoric.

      • Jack N

        People like you can’t really say much about telling someone how to live. Because that’s exactly what you’ve been doing. And in a very wrong way.

    • Robert Gehrman

      Not a very good one, if so. This whole site is rather half-assed, no real talent. Easy to see how idiots take it serious. Trying to figure out which troll is joking and which troll is serious is the only fun thing here. No talent 🙁

  • sum ting wong

    I mastubate to the thought of men sucking my penis. Am i going to go to hell?

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Why would you share that on the internet? It just sends chills down my spine.

      • The Kilted Yaksman

        This article is satire. Unless you’re a Poe, you need to lighten the fuck up.

        • Kaylee-Aurora

          Hey screw you okay? A young person posts something graphic like that and you don’t think something is wrong? If your as old as your photo you should have common sense.

          • SiliconNooB

            I am aghast at the pornography being posted in this comments thread.

            Kaylee, I hope you have your husband or father at hand to offer guidance and support when viewing such morally upsetting materials. 🙂

          • Kaylee-Aurora

            Ha, that made me giggle. i’m actually single, but I know my time will come soon.

          • Jos

            no wonder you’re single, dat face…. DAYUM!!! I wouldnt even fuck you with a bag over your head… Mainly coz I’m gay but still – bitch you ugly!

          • hdtex

            Kaylee is waiting for the right church lady with a clitoris the size of a babies fist to come along right?

          • Jack N

            I laughed a bit too hard at that.

          • Abba Scodilli

            LOL! You always say the most funniest things! And yer kinda handsome too! Would you come have BUTT SEX with my quivering back door with yer demon stick? I promise we wont have any fun at all! Parental Guidance?!?!

          • SiliconNooB

            That is indecent! You are indecent!!

          • Abba Scodilli

            Yes! To you I am! You read my profile ya? Oh, and a reminder that you are what you hate…

          • hdtex

            Screw you okay??? Is that an offer????

          • Robert Gehrman

            Screw your god. in the ass. with a dog fetus. ok? 🙂

          • Banned_from_Japan

            5/5 would screw your anus again.

      • Abba Scodilli

        You are overly sensitive… It is a symptom of repressed desires…

    • Robert Gehrman

      No. But Jesus sucks my penis when I buttfuck him while I rape dog fetuses. It’s true I swear! God eats my semen. He does this because I ignored him long enough that he got jealous and came down to me. Jesus left with a case of the burning bush, I’ll tell you that much 🙂

  • Janet@Boise

    If you child is really acting out like this maybe its time they leave the house? Is he a high school student? I really think the boys can be worse than the girls. They don’t know when they its time to go. College is important but if you can’t afford it maybe you should tell him to find a job or else all this gross stuff is getting him kicked out on his sorry butt.

  • HipMom

    All moms catch their kids doing it, they just don’t admit it. My son is 15 and does it most mornings and nights. Weird thing is he leaves the door open if he thinks everyone else is sleeping, so yes, I’ve “caught” him going at it many times. He can be noisy and after he is a total grouch but always wants me to make him something to eat. I don’t know if he’s ashamed or if it’s something a little weird but the open door thing I don’t know how to tell him to close it. We never talk about it. But I would be seriously freaked out if there was porn involved so maybe its okay the door is open.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      I think it’s great you’re being proactive about this and monitoring the situation, but dont you think you should set limits for your sons activities?

      • Robert Gehrman

        I think Jesus wants you to jerk off your son, HipMom. The original translation of “Spare the rod spoil the child”, in hebrew, is “place a clean fat smooth stick (dildo) in the pleasurable area of your masturbating son’s body and move it in and out slowly whilst yanking on his weiner in front of the Pope so he can watch” 😉

        • Abba Scodilli

          Scandalous blasphemy! Love it!!!

  • Daniel Charette

    I think this guy needs to get his damn facts Straight. I accomplish Everything I do High, I am Motivated, Happy, Relaxed, and willing to do anything. Any one who has anything bad to say about pot has been PAID to tell you these things. Doc Bacon is an Idiot with no ability to Get himself Erect, so he Takes it out on people who can, and enjoy it. Screw you doc Bacon, Signed an Avid Post enthusiast, and Advocate for Masturbation. Who, in fact, does Fine with Women, and Life in General. P.S. You are an Idiot.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Your mother must be so proud, David.

      • Abba Scodilli

        She probly is!

    • Old Guy In Stanton

      All of the apparently random capital letters in the above post Mean Something.

      “ISIEIHIMHRPAIDDBGETSBSAPAMWFWLGPSYI”

      Study it out, Sheeple.

      • Daniel Charette

        Holy crap, You almost got it. Now all you have to do is finish the word scramble and you have my sekrit messige!1

        Sorry I have a habit of pressing my shift button. I’m trying very hard not to press it right now, but you know… it makes me pinky tingle if I don’t hit it. So Fuck you, Ass. Making my damn Pinky finger tingle like that.

        Also, you pointing out my uppercase letters just goes to show that you’re a shit troll. Get better at it.

        • OGIS

          You DO realize this is a parody site, right?

  • Tim

    This is a very serious issue and one that shouldnt be taken lightly. There is currently a bill in the house sponsored by Stop Masturbation Now that would make this sinful illegal. But until that happens there are other measures husbands can use to ensure their kids arent participating in this act. Listen for code words like “slapping the sin stick” or “poking the grease pit”(females). Also i find it helpful to smell the fingers of my daughters. That will tell you right away if they have been partaking. Also, closely monitor the world wide web usage of your wife and kids. Only allow them to use it when you are home. We know that masturbation is the leading cause of disease in America and raises the chances of having a retard baby.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Well it sounds like a good plan but with how they passed Obamacare even when Ted Cruz had an army of patriots outside the White House defending him I am not hopeful.

      • hdtex

        Those idiots waving the confederate flag? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kaylee-Aurora. What a disgusting pervert you are…..

        • Stephenson_Billings

          Keep it in your pants, pedro.

    • Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton

      Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I do pray Americans take better care of themselves and most fail to grasp that this means living a life of sobriety and moderation. Faith, undoubtedly, plays a major role in one’s physical wellbeing. It also ends up costing you far less in medical bills.

      • LeAnn Whitefeather

        Faith is a daydream..

    • Abba Scodilli

      Stop Masturbation group? LOL! “slapping the sin stick”? “poking the grease pit” Who says that? Smelling yer daughters fingers? Level five scandal right there! Kaylee! Where are you?

  • Jonathan

    Lol I really do hope that this article is a joke, otherwise everyone here is a fucking nutcase..

  • Elijah

    It’s perfectly natural for you/your kid to masturbate. Goddamn chill out. You’re a terrible parent.

    • Stephenson_Billings

      I’m sure you feel the same way about drugs and gangs?

      • matt

        how are the two things even closely related?

        If any parent catches their adult son doing this “ten times per week” as the article says, then that parent needs to back off.

      • Abba Scodilli

        Here we go again… masturbation to drugs and gangs. They have nothing to do with each other! Like the masturbation to cutting yerself and dog rape…

  • Failure Cresh

    here have a whole carton of pornography

  • Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton

    While many of the comments here are childish, I do hope the message is getting across and that many of you take a long, hard look at yourselves and see that excess, in any form, is a self-destructive personality trait. Stay healthy and stay patriotic, my friends!

    • Robert Gehrman

      “a long, hard look”

      • LeAnn Whitefeather

        Hahaha. Long hard look… More hahaha..

    • Abba Scodilli

      How much is excess, One day last week I ejaculated 4 times! One in a chix grease pit, one in a gym dudes ass ( BUTT SEX , watch out Kaylee, graphic content!!! ) And twice in my bedroom! With no cutting, drugs, gangs or dogs tho…

  • Old Guy In Stanton

    “When offended by such a foul teenage habit, Moms need to be free to
    express themselves! Don’t be afraid to plop your son over your knee and
    tan his bare hide with a good spanking.”

    Some guys pay good money for that.

  • Thisbetterbeparody

    Has anyone else noted that the title picture for Hard Dawn is of a young naked guy with a AR 15 in his crotch? Oh, and a light flare there too. Is Hard Dawn a code for morning wood ?

    • Abba Scodilli

      Wow! The sites ulterior motives are laid bare! Explain this blasphemy Billings!!!!!

  • Doc was once Einstein

  • Robert Gehrman

    Your religion has turned you against your self and your inner nature, and then told you that your impulses are not EVEN your own biological and mental processes but are instead implanted by a mischevious red man with a tail…. A lot of people want oh, idk, *proof* maybe before flipping that big of a chunk of their own current reality on its head and relegating ones life to extreme mental servitude… Is it self-respectful to throw in the towel and stifle harmless bits of your very nature because a rumor in an old book said you should ?

    Let kids be kids— Please don’t feed them religion before they’re old enough to consent to religion. If they’re too young to have fun with themselves then they are probably too young to be a spiritual slave to an invisible dictator in the sky, I would think!

    BONUS: Here is some rubbish in the Book Of Numbers (chapter 31) about consent and little girls: http://www.biblestudytools.com/numbers/31-18-compare.html

    What a noble, proveable, feel-good book. Right, kids? No? :-O

    • Abba Scodilli

      I think me and you should visit Kaylee and have ( BUTT SEX ) in her living room. Im sure she will find it educational….

  • handfulofdick

    No one has told me what to do about the fur growing in my palms

    • Abba Scodilli

      Shave it! You will be fine!

  • Courtney Wilson

    I completely agree with you that this new generation is only interested in reckless and persistent self-gratification. Teens these days can’t seem to hold down a job. So much of their lives seem to be centered around sitting home, using technology in inefficient and stupid ways, and touching themselves. The gay, pro-drug agenda is truly ruining America. I hope this new generation will ask Him for guidance and ultimately have the self-awareness to see that a clean and sober life, free of sin, is the path that He knows is best for us 🙂

  • blondiesomeone

    i think it would be best to send him to his room and make him masturbate until his hands are swollen and hairy. give him the most fringe porn you can find. watch him and maintain eye contact at all times. after 8 or so times he will stop for at least a week. continue this until it becomes his fetish then stop and he will no longer be able to climax and it will all be over.

    • Abba Scodilli

      Are you Kaylee under a new name? I recognize her nonsense in the above text.

  • Joe Cane

    Please tell me this is satire.

  • Thomas James

    As a boy when Mom discovered me masturbaiting she was horrified and spanked the tip of my penis with a spatula it was a few light taps followed by a firm tap like tap,tap, tap, WHACK! she did that until i was soft now older The opposite is now the case I need that to get hard,

  • alan

    I am a bit late on this as the posts are mostly 2 years old. I think masturbation is lovely even though I was spanked across my parents knee for doing so which I also enjoyed.Its a very private activity but I wouldnt mind betting that more people do it than they are prepared to admit.I still do and am married.

    • i am married too,but my wife is psychic,and she just knows when Im stroking the sin-shaft.It takes away much of the pleasure,i tell ya.

  • anonymous

    Nothing wrong with it. You can’t beat your child for that, in fact you may go to jail for abusing your child, speaking lawfully, that is just as bad as punishing them for itching their forehead. You are very lucky that your son did not have you locked up.

  • Hank Mobly

    I am from Italy. This is American satire…?

  • Blanche Beecham

    Masturbation is a debilitating addiction sweeping the nation. Once only the purview of young men, young women seeking to show men they can do anything with their double X chromosomes that a XY can do are watching naughty videos and self abusing with household objects.

    Kids today do not need additional distractions like masturbation clogging up their growing minds. The number one cause of school and after-school work truancy is masturbation, followed by marijuana abuse. Work is a better activity for idle hands and mouths, but try and tell that to know-it-all youngsters!

    • The sweet lord rewards he who`s bodie is salt from sweat and who`s mind has no other desire than to pray and rest.

      • Abba Scodilli

        How boring your life must be….

    • Abba Scodilli

      And… more brainsickly nonsense from Blanche! I wondered where you got to…

      • Blanche Beecham

        Out, Out! You poor milky haint of comments past, whispering your foul translucent flop sweat scented sins in disqus comments for the past 20 hours or so with your fake Abba account.

        Even ghosts can get calloused hands from so many comments on every “M” and sodomy post. Instead of flapping your floppy spirit gob, why don’t you read about the dangers of excessive self adoration so you don’t wake up dead again?

        • Abba Scodilli

          My profile is not fake… It is a profile that deals with nonsense. AKA: you! What, exactly is this translucent flop you speak of? More brainsicky nonsense…! Love you <3 😛

          • Abba Scodilli

            And I find no issues with me loving myself. I got muscles! Its why I attract sauna trolls AKA:sex starved married men. I don’t do anything with em, so don’t go equating me to drugs, guns, bestiality, or whatever… But it is not morality that makes me say no to them… Its because their old fat and desperate, do you think your religion turned then there? I sure do lol. Kisses N licks, Blanche sweetie!

        • Abba Scodilli

          I loved this comment. Made me LOL and LOL!

  • Maximillian Wolf

    Are you people fucking kidding me? Are there morons on the Internet actually swallowing this bullshit hook, line and sinker? Please tell me that this article is an elaborate joke!

  • ChannelSixtyNine69

    An alternative to spanking is for Mom to make her son stand there with legs apart whilst she grabs the scrotum (forgive me God for using naughty words) and pulls it, hard. At the same time reciting the Lord’s Prayer. Extreme activity requires extreme cure.
    He will thank her later on, having saved him from blindness.

  • Abba Scodilli

    I will say that me, being almost 39 years of age, can masturbate quite a few times a week and still please my partner. I clean up my own ‘spunk sox’ so no worries. Only fresh semen for my one and only lol!

  • H. Lector

    Yes, spanking your overly sexed adult child who is forming complex masturbatory fantasies will pretty much guarantee you’ll turn him into a MILF, mom-son incest, or dominatrix-based fetishist. Perhaps make him wear panties, put a chastity device on his penis and make fun if his penis size will seal the deal guaranteeing he’ll be warped enough to never form healthy relationships or turn into Norman Bates one day and find your rotting corpse in the coal celer one day when he really snaps.
    Oh, by the way, hitting another adult is assault and battery in case you were okay with jail.

  • Matthew Dear

    What better away to solve the ‘problem’ of ‘self-abuse’ than with domestic abuse and physical violence!

    I’ve been wanking happily for years and, honestly, i feel fantastic and live a healthy and active sex life.

  • Brent Lewis

    1. Remove all sharp objects, furearms and flammable liquids from your house.
    2. Hang the boy upside down and make him spray his spunk on his demon possessed FACE! 3. Take pictures and post them in “Cum On Your Own Facebook”!
    3. Tie him up with duct tape and slap a couple if Phentanyl patches on him. Replace with fresh patches every 12 hours. Feed him cat turds and make multiple cuts on his “Demon PeePee” and rub cuts with lemon juice abd Sriacha sauce. Don’t use Tabasco because Satan is immuned to it.
    If this method is not affective, nail both of his hands to a plywood board and shackle his legs. Then apply drops of Superglue into his “Demon Peepee hole”. Problem solved.

  • Baw0510

    We have to many parents shaming their children in this area of natural growth. In doing this I believe this leads to much worse in later years. How do explain a wet dream?!? I simple told my boys that this is natural thing but to much of something in anything is not good. Life is about moderation in most things. I told them when it becomes habitual then its to much and we need to seek out other outlets for them to focus on such as Sports, hobbies etc… An idle mind is the devils playground. Not to mention that releasing is also a physical thing that boys/men need to do. Look it up. I’ve seen to many young christian men not being able to have normal friendships because of this legalistic teaching. I don’t condone but I don’t condemn and/or shame either.

  • Kevin

    If all else fails – this should solve the problem nicely!!!
    https://www.malechastityjournal.com/living-with-chastity/the-best-male-chastity-device/