How Much Masturbation?

Posted on by Doc Bacon

While many families are concerned about self-gratification, there is a noticeable lack of resources available for those of us who want to encourage an ethnical yet common sense approach to this crucial health issue. Based on the latest scientific studies and some old-fashioned family wisdom, we’ve put together a practical guide for men and women alike. It is our sincere hope that honest and direct discussion can truly enlighten those who struggle in a world of confusion, indulgence and doubt.


Ages 0-13: Newborns and very young children do not possess any sexual desire and have no use for masturbation. The rare occasions when this does happen, it’s usually under the influence of an outsider (public school teacher, neighbor, etc.). It can also be caused by something witnessed mistakenly in the media or on the internet. Parents who notice such activities of their youngsters should intervene immediately.

14- to 16-year olds: When a young person develops into a teenager, the surge of hormones is overwhelming! American culture also pumps these youths full of erotic images and bad ideas. It’s important that parents set guidelines for masturbation at this age, as these lessons will become the foundation of a lifetime of morality, faith and self-control. A great goal to shoot for is no more than once a week, at specific times agreed upon by all parties involved. (Children disobeying? Click here for a few handy tips!)

17-19: As teens get older, they’re given additional responsibilities. We reward the mature completion of chores and service with newfound freedoms. For the teen who proves himself capable and trustworthy, the allotment of self-gratification can reach a high point of twice per week, or 8 times per month! This is indeed a special privilege and should be considered the most excessive one becomes in this regard. Mothers may also consider relaxing their oversight, as the child is becoming mature enough to monitor him or her self. As you grant these freedoms, it’s necessary to make your kids understand that in the future autoerotic playtime will need to start winding down as marriage preparations begin.

20-24: As young adults embrace the world of higher education and fulltime employment, there is far less free time for masturbation. Indeed, most should be so focused on their studies or their careers that five episodes of masturbation a month will appear excessive.

25-30: In this period of a young person’s life, sexual energy needs to be devoted to marriage. The boy or girl who recklessly masturbates can possibly lose interest in the opposite sex if self-abuse is taken to the extreme. It’s vital that parents impress the importance of this point, for a young person who fails to marry during their prime risks living a lonely life without family, companionship or children. With the permission of your significant other, once every two weeks should be more than enough to deal with any superfluous erotic energy.

31-35: The human metabolism slows down a great deal in one’s 30s. During this period, any manifestations of sexual arousal should be a shared experience between husband and wife. Secretive, solitary masturbation not only destroys love, but it makes one bitter and rebellious at a stage when social connections and community are crucial. A quick release in the bathroom may be appropriate every three weeks or so.

36-45: As midlife sets in, there really is no purpose for masturbation. It does not contribute to one’s physical health, nor is it a responsible way to treat your spouse. For the most energetic amongst you, or if your spouse is away in the military, once a month should suffice.

46-60: The golden years are beckoning and you should be contemplating grandchildren, not juvenile acts of phallic titillation. If you’re doing this more than once every three months, you need to consult a doctor or better yet, speak with a faith professional about your undue level of impure thoughts.

61 +: The erotic games of senior citizens is a common storyline for Hollywood films, but in real life it’s an embarrassing display of girth and flaccidity. When it comes to elderly parents, it’s sometimes necessary for their adult children to remind them of this fact and enforce the masturbation pact they made many years prior.


About This Journalist

Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inoculate citizens against our nation’s pandemic of socialism, scientism and sexual perversion.