Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross takes the unspoken horrors of the Green New Deal personally. At a private fundraiser this weekend in Palm Beach, Florida, he tore up his prepared remarks and spoke from the heart about the damage such a socialist plot could do to some very vulnerable Americans.
Guests say that Ross was on the verge of tears reminiscing about his favorite private jet stewardess, whom he nicknamed “Perky blonde who’s always in heat.” Under the plan being pushed by radical leftists in Congress, “Perky” could be fired from her job, Ross said, and might come groveling on her knees to him for help.
Another guest, Wilma De Axe, heir to the Axe Body Spray fortune, recounted how a floundering market for luxury automobiles would force her favorite Rolls Royce mechanic, a firm-bodied Greek named Diego, to make some hard decisions.
“Without an income supported by my weekly fender benders, Diego would have to choose between his Herbalife business and his dog racing habit,” the svelte octogenarian confessed, “I shudder to think what that would do to his self-esteem and, horror of horrors, his body-building regimen.”
Tim Phillips, president of Americans for Prosperity, expanded on these worries. “It’s typical hypocrisy from members of Congress like Alexandria Accessory-Corvette. They claim to support the working class, but what about all those receptionists at private equity firms? The legal assistants working on estate tax avoidance schemes for billionaires? The undocumented landscapers who tend the yards of the 1% and get paid less than minimum wage? They’re all at-will employees who could be fired at a moment’s notice if government overreach threatens the hundreds of millions that men like Wilbur Ross have made selling junk bonds on Wall Street!”
Secretary Ross himself underscored the immediacy of this crisis, noting that deregulation is the best way to insure that the ultra-wealthy can hoard the resources needed to support the workers who serve their interests. “The little people like Perky will certainly need that small drip of income that comes from the gold reserves locked in my bunker when societal collapse leaves them adrift in a hellscape of hyperinflation, pollution and extreme weather,” the Treasury Secretary stated, adding wistfully, “I just hope I have a shock collar that fits her beautiful little neck.”