Health Alert: Hardcore Marijuana May Cause Ear Maggots in Unsanitary Youths

Posted on by Doc Bacon

cannabis maggots

A dangerous breed of chrysomya rufifacies has been infesting cannabis crops and the result is a horrific new threat to America’s youths. These insects are characterized by uniquely distended flagellomeres and, as such, seek out the comfort of narrow, warm spaces for their larvae nests. The inner tympanic membrane of the ear, surrounded by damp and repercussionary caverns, is a common refuge for these calliphoridae. Once the larvae hatch, normally within a week, the maggots can burrow their way inward, sometimes tunneling to the very surface of the cranial cavity where they feed on the cerebellum’s sweet, muculent fluids.

This health problem is exacerbated by many factors in our society today. The most significant catalyst is the dramatic rise of “reefer” abuse among young people. As has been noted many times before, narcotics can cause a wide range of debilitating illnesses, such as heart disease, lung cancer and schizophrenia. On a social level, marijuana has been known to perpetuate urban crime, teen apathy and the general failure of our public school system.

Since the pot addict is already in an unhealthy state, they come to fear hygiene and fresh water. They avoid hot showers, opting instead to sulk in their own rank musk for days on end. These are a disgusting and foul people, a festering sore on the proud body of our nation. As filth- and disease-ridden criminals who actively conspire against traditional values, marijuana freaks occupy a dark underworld where a simple blowfly will go unnoticed.

Damp, sticky "reefer" is far more likely to contain maggots flies looking for a host.

Damp, sticky “reefer” is far more likely to contain maggot flies looking for a human host.

Now that marijuana is being grown locally, the inherent risk is even greater. In the past, the drug was produced in Mexico under the harsh equatorial sun. There, it was dry and gritty, a crumbly mess that disintegrated quickly in one’s hand. Any insects that didn’t die in the brutal heat were subsequently killed off during the long smuggling voyage into the U.S.

Sadly, today’s reefer crops move so quickly from the farm to the consumer that they’re still damp and green, with golden hairs and droplets of THC that glisten by a dime store Bic lighter. Little do the weed addicts realize that their “kind bud” may be teeming with minute blowflies ever ready to creep out, seeking the easy refuge of your eardrums!

Infested pot smokers are slow to realize that their brains are being eaten away by cannabis maggots. Most are already mentally deficient to begin with. Common symptoms of this scenario include: an obsession with loud music (maggots can severely inhibit hearing capabilities), an insatiable need for cartoons (such brain activity produces the sweetest types of cranial fluids) and red eyes (maggot excrement is pinkish and often drips down from the cerebellum to the outer surface of the eyes).

Parents and teachers: If you’re reading this, please circulate this urgent health warning to your young people today!

Kids: Let this be a very strong message to stay away from hardcore drugs and remember, marijuana kills!


About This Journalist

Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inoculate citizens against our nation’s pandemic of socialism, scientism and sexual perversion.

  • zorax3000

    I heard about this it was some girl in England right? Just no. Totally gross.

    • People_are_ignorant

      I’d really love to know how they scientifically proved that the maggots got into her ear from the cannabis she was smoking….

      • Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton

        Don’t make excuses for the fact that you’re in a drug spiral. Admit you have a problem, get off your butt and get some help. Do you really expect Obama’s nanny state to coddle you forever???

        • you are all fucking idiots

          You really are the biggest idiot I’ve ever read the words of. I was unaware that pot was now a hardcore narcotic that caused a phobia of water and cleanliness. I get high and want to shower forever because its fantastic. From both of the articles of yours I’ve read, it seems like you make shit up off the top of your head and gain the support of all the other brain dead Christian retards that think you really were ever a licensed physician. Fuck you soooo much, this, and your fapping article are both disgusting and 100% bullshit

          • Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton

            Marijuana addiction has also been known to cause schizophrenia and violent tendencies, which is clearly on display in the above comment.

          • Dr. Barthur Placon Impton

            marijuana has no addictive qualities, nor does it have any tendencies to cause schizo or violence. it is a very calming herb, except for those to whom it gives anxiety issues, which is still a minor disturbance and is easily removed by the removal/lessening of marijuana consumption, considering it is not addictive or deadly. you sir, have no idea what you are talking about and i suggest you stay in the confides of what your doctorate has allowed you to- that,of course, being dentistry.

          • ah s

            Indeed, and causes cancer with no medicinal qualities. Prisons for profit make some nice office furniture though, eh? And clothing, and…well just check out ‘gov prison products’ for the whole line. Majority of workers-MJ offences…non-violent, of course! As MJ has again, and again been shown to decrease violence and no compund “causes” schizophrenia. Triggered perhaps in EXTREME rare instances, of those prepositioned.

          • ConcernedCitizen

            I agree with the guy. You’re insane. And I’m saying this in the most polite manner I can. I’m high as hell right now. Have been for over 20 years. This article is completely ridiculous and fictional. You’re no more a doctor than I am a moon man. I come here for the laughs. You seem to come here for truth. You need to have your head checked

          • Newton Rules

            Your stupidity is hilarious

          • Old Guy In Stanton

            OK, I gave you an up vote just because of the high (dare I say lethally strong?) level of Derp displayed in your comment. And I have to admit that I cannot tell whether you are serious or just applying Poe’s Law like a boss.

          • Not nealy high enough for this

            I know, right? I’m still trying to figure out if this is satire or not. I know A LOT of people that smoke weed and NO ONE of them is afraid of water! As a matter of fact, most of them are complete neat freaks! And blowflies are too big to be hiding in a bag of weed, just so they can sneak out and plant their offspring in your ear! I’m laughing so hard right now and I’m not even high (yet)!!!! Someone please tell me that this is satire. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read!!!!!!

        • pablo_rajczyk

          I love satire.

        • ah s

          And drug “spirals” are now the field of dentists? It is the damp sticky ‘fresh’ refer attacked-yet equatorial imports are safe? I would encourage someone to-‘follow the money’…Sinaloa payroll?

  • Stephenson_Billings

    It’s a shame that children today don’t take better care of themselves.

    • People_are_ignorant

      Its a shame how ignorant the public is about the facts on marijuana.

  • sick and angry

    Kids just think pot is a fun time but I have personally known many people who ruined their lives on the stuff an many more who are now dead. I try to teach my own kids this but it really is hard now that everyone is saying it should be legal. I really think the states that allow this sort of thing don’t understand the long term. This is a health crisis waiting to happen and the liberals have already pretty much destroyed our health system but they don’t understand how much worse its going to get now that they want every child to smoke this sort of pot.

    • Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton

      I am honestly amazed at how many intelligent adults now think marijuana should be legalized. They’re simply lacking the basic facts. The drugs sold by ghetto gangs to our suburban schoolchildren today are 10 to 120 times stronger than they were in the 1960s. They’re amped up with extreme chemical compounds and have a far stronger psychological edge. We’ve seen stories of people eating each other’s faces off (sorry to be grim, but we need a dose of reality here) because of this new era of street drugs. All of this is clear evidence that hardcore marijuana is a severe danger to our young people today. Yet the liberals defy common sense for an easy excuse for a momentary “feel good.” It’s all rather sad, really.

      • People_are_ignorant

        Cannabis is a plant, which means unless companies with the high tech equipment have been genetically modifying cannabis plants for the ‘ghetto gangs’ then there is NO POSSIBLE WAY for cannabis to get even 10x stronger. A plant can only be as potent as the more potent of the two plants it is bred with. If you had any basic biology education you would know this. Do you honestly think if someone that was just high off cannabis would bite someones face off? Honestly? The netherlands had two cases where the psychological effects of ‘shrooms’ was questioned due to two people making ‘grim’ actions and it was outlawed very quickly. If the case where someone ate someone else’s face off was true, the netherlands would also outlaw cannabis. Whats truly rather sad is the fact that a ‘DOCTOR’ would tell facts without any research to back it up, you sir, whatever your degree may be, should have it revoked.

        • Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton

          Even left wing CNN agrees with me, you drug apologist:

          “Since 1972, ElSohly says, the average THC content of marijuana has soared from less than 1% to 3 to 4% in the 1990s, to nearly 13% today.”

          “You really have to be careful,” he says. “The danger of this high-potency material is not with the experienced marijuana smokers, but young people who really don’t know what they’re smoking. They don’t know what to expect, and before they know it, they’ve inhaled too much.”

          • ah s

            You ARE left wing CNN-esque

          • This doctor is a hack

            Cnn is a bunch of hacks! Just like you “Doc”

        • theron

          You can genetically modify weed with just colchicine. It’s done on almost all of the newer breeds and is the main reason the weed is so damned good now.

      • you are all fucking idiots

        You’re retarded. Real drugs are bad. Marijuana is a FUCKING PLANT you uneducated bag of fuck. But you won’t reply to this bc you only run your stupid fucking mouth when someone is backing up the stupidity you’re shoving down everyone’s throats for the sake of scare tactics

      • ah s

        “The drugs sold by ghetto gangs to our suburban schoolchildren today are 10 to 120 times stronger than they were in the 1960s”
        Just full of fun, and racist, facts. Logic and truth, thrown out the window-It’s all rather sad, really.

      • ConcernedCitizen

        Those people that ate each others faces off weren’t high on weed. They were high on Bath Salts. A once legal chemically produced powder that they would snort. Not even close. And all of the chemically laced shit you mention is not weed either. Substances like K2 were sold as incense and were supposed to mimic a weed high. They are quickly becoming illegal everywhere for a reason while weed which even in it’s stronger state nowadays has been tested and tested and tested on a federal level and even they can’t deny that its a helpful non harmful herb when used properly. Unlike Alcohol and cigarettes millions of people don’t die from it and in fact no one ever has!

      • Abba Scodilli

        If it was legal the government would regulate it. They would be sure to make sure they know whats in it… And pot is not bad, I smoke it and go to work, the gym, to relax… Its very nice!!! You are a weirdo…

    • People_are_ignorant

      Please, please, please read up on the following; marijuana health benefits and consequences, legal marijuana sale, and how marijuana being legal in the netherlands (and other countries) has effected it. Just so you know, the Netherlands is in the top 10 happiest countries in the world

      • Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton

        Liberals love to blind themselves to the obvious proof right before our eyes. I’m a physician and I’ve seen firsthand the true damage that drugs can do. You’re a freak and a liar.

        • you are all fucking idiots

          YOU ARE THE LIAR ASSHOLE! goddammit where do you get your facts? And how the fuck did you get a fucking phd in anything but gods lying bitch?

          • ah s

            Rumor has it, he is a dentist ;~)

        • penishut

          Wait dude, you’re a DDS and BOHDSc… that means you’re a dentist! What the fuck do you know about general medicine????

          • ah s


    • ah s

      “many more who are now dead”….wow, now MJ leads to death! Driving too slow and hit by speeding sober person? or drunk? Over-eating? aka death by munchies…lol

  • Craig

    Does anyone commenting here understand the meaning of the word satire??? You people are making asses of yourselves.

    • Old Guy In Stanton

      >>>”Does anyone commenting here understand the meaning of the word satire??? You people are making asses of yourselves.”

      Yeah, isn’t it great?

      But I am also seeing multiple levels of what I THINK are satire in the comments. This site is a perfect storm, a masterpiece of Poe’s Law.

    • ConcernedCitizen

      This isn’t satire though…

  • Blanche Beecham

    Pot addiction is just a bad trip to nowhere.

    • dont_be_fucking_stupid

      You’re stupid. There is no addiction..anyone who tries any other drug past Marijuana was going to do it regardless of the “influence” of the weed..
      I’ve smoked weed for 8 years now and not once have i touched a “hardcore drug” or any sort of doesnt make me want to smoke cigarettes, and it doesnt become addictive.. i cant believe the amount of uneducated people these days..

      the only bad thing about smoking pot is the fact that you are inhaling burning plant matter. in fact, smoking it is actually good for you, regardless of the fact that you are inhaling carcinogens. there are way more positives than negatives to being involved with marijuana

      • Blanche Beecham

        Eight years with the weed monkey riding shotgun on your slender, rounded shoulders, what a sad testament to the addiction cycle of the pot addict. I could almost cry thinking of the strong person you could have been without this drug dragging you down into the musky jungle of herbal delights. Have you developed ED yet from potting it up?

        • ConcernedCitizen

          Been smoking for over 20 years. Since high school. I graduated, put myself through school afterwards, own two businesses, two homes, have a beautiful family…you’re dumb! Get a fuckin life you hag!

  • dont_be_fucking_stupid

    this article makes me feel stupid.. i cant believe people eat this shit up..its worse than “the onion news”

    this doc bacon character needs to become better educated on the uses of marijuana.

    “Common symptoms of this scenario include: an obsession with loud music (maggots can severely inhibit hearing capabilities), an insatiable need for cartoons (such brain activity produces the sweetest types of cranial fluids) and red eyes (maggot excrement is pinkish and often drips down from the cerebellum to the outer surface of the eyes).”

    so you’re saying, the regular symptoms of smoking now considered “cannabis maggots”? even typing that term makes me feel stupid..

    • Old Guy In Stanton

      >>>”…so you’re saying, the regular symptoms of smoking now
      considered “cannabis maggots”? even typing that term makes me feel

      But “Cannabis Ear Maggots” is one of the most awesome band names I have EVER heard.

  • William Fisher

    Your article has no authenticity until you cite your sources.

    • Stephenson_Billings

      So you’re a drug dealer then?

  • maggot

    “Doc Bacon” do you still recommend leeches as a cure for everything? what a buffoon. People like you make your country look a laughing stock. You make the entire US look insane. Nothing but a bunch of far right lunatics creating content on this site, you can’t even be called “journalists” or “bloggers” all I read is utter lunacy, every single article on this site, uninformed bullshit!

  • Old Guy In Stanton

    I love this site. It is the perfect embodiment of Poe’s Law.

  • Chris Burkhart

    This site is a joke right. I mean there is home projection everywhere. Is this run by the pray the gay away crowd? What a waste of bandwidth. I’m going back to infowars.

  • ciscokid

    Just in case there are abusers here that failed to learn the lessons of history. Weed’s potency is many many times higher than when it was used in 70’s ..

    • IJR

      The pots in the 1970s were very strong, but today’s pots will kill you dead. Sometimes just smelling it will kill your entire family.

      Sorry Grandma, Timmy bought a bag of dank and now his whole family is dead.