Abiding Jeff Bridges is Getting America’s Dudes in a Heap of Trouble

Posted on by Kaylee-Aurora
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Jeff Bridges has become the warm, fuzzy hero of America’s backsliding middle class.

I can’t tell you how enraged I am right now!

For once, America has an honest chance to do something real this election. We have a true alpha beating his chest for greatness but everyone is just too caught up in themselves to notice.

The worst of it is all those young men out there, the boys from the suburbs who come from good parents and good homes, these are the ones who have the most to lose and the most to gain. These are the ones who have a responsibility to keep our nation’s heritage safe from inner city socialism but they’d rather get stoned and giggle at late night movies. What the heck has happened to you people?

What really pisses me off is they’ve put leftist Hollywood freak Jeff Bridges on a massive internet pedestal and it’s driving me completely nuts! I can’t go a day without seeing some idiotic meme on Facebook with his scraggly face and half-closed eyes. He always looks 500% stoned, which he probably is, and about to nod off on a five-hour nap.

And to think that it’s mostly white guys doing this. Are you people just stupid? This is your country, you blind, dumb fools!

Did you know that Donald Trump and Jeff Bridges are practically the same age? Isn’t it insane to think of the two very different paths these men have traveled in their lives? Trump is a self-made man who has inspired hundreds of millions with such hits like The Art of the Deal and Celebrity Apprentice. Bridges did a movie where he sat on a couch for a long time and then went bowling. Don’t you get it now, people?

That’s it. I’m done trying to communicate something real to you guys.

motofantasy

Why do so many men believe women fantasize about riding away from all their worries on the back of some dude’s Harley?

We are living in two Americas. In one, folks understand and respect the leadership of a man like Donald J. Trump. In the other, guys just want to lie on the couch all day gratifying themselves and watching reruns. You’re a vile bunch and there’s a reason women like me hate you. You don’t bathe, you can’t keep the kitchen clean, you haven’t changed the bed sheets in months. You wear drab, ugly, foul-smelling clothes. Your hair is an oily mess. Your lips are chapped and your teeth stink. You’re failures just like your mothers always told you! And you’d rather spend all night masturbating (loudly) on the computer in the bathroom than go out for a romantic dinner with a very special woman who has worked too hard to make everything in her life perfect right now to throw it all away on a piece of crap like you!

Somehow you “dudes” think Jeff Bridges is sexy. You think he’s the sort that girls dream about. Yeah, right! Like we’d ever fantasize about making eye contact with that sweaty heft of a man and luring him to a gas station toilet. He’s just the sort to turn me around and unzip, while purring whiskey spittle in my ears. Like I’d abandon the minivan and my groceries to ride on the back of his “hog.” Maybe we’ll go off to some bowling alley where we’d do rounds of bourbon and then some hillbilly crank while straight-arrow housewives watch and we just laugh at them. Laugh really loud and crazy! Maybe after that, I’ll take him to the back alley for another session among all the rats and garbage bags! Oh, I’d love to be humiliated in the cold night air like that! Oh, I’d love it if he spanked me and called me a filthy whore as he hiked up my skirt! If only you “dudes” could just perfect your “dudeness,” we gals would love to do these things, no matter how bloated and lazy and reeking of yesterday’s McDonalds you are! Maybe that’s the secret to getting our sex life back on track! Is that what you jerks really think?

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Take a look at your nest, you flaccid little failure.

Okay, enough with my sarcasm. It’s giving me a panic attack.

I would like to say that the women of America really need to take a stand on men and their beloved couches. There’s always that oily dent where you spend all day. The cushions are damp and it smells like a dying dog vomited somewhere. You always have your nest of blankets and then there’s the pop cans and food boxes and bowls of dried cereal and all those tech cables like you’re an engineer constructing a shrine to your wretched Jeff Bridges and his enormous, unstoppable manhood. I just want to burn all those “man couches” in a giant bonfire. Now that’s a campaign the women of America could really rally round!

Can’t you guys just get your act together! Do you really want to prove your mother the shrew right? Don’t you have any self-respect? Why do you think we’re both getting fat? I just wish I had Donald J. Trump right here right now to slap some sense into you! I’d have him slap you real good. And then a little more just to make sure.

 

  • Tony Stinkmetal

    Kaylee, you have Jeff Bridges name under a picture of Gary Busey.
    this makes you far less reliable expert.
    is this site serious? or is it just super ironic?
    either way, hilarious.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      That’s just some guy on a motorcycle I’m not even sure if it’s the real Jeff Bridges. Thanks for the question though!

      • ConcernedAmerican

        He’s not talking about the motorcycle. He’s talking about the top picture that was photoshop manipulated to add to it’s weirdness. It’s obviously Gary Busey. You should really fix it if you thought anyone would look at this as an actual article rather than some angry girl’s blog post. Google a picture of Jeff Bridges and then Google a picture of Jeff Bridges. A good start to investigative reporting is research. This is merely a rant.

        • ConcernedAmerican

          Sorry it should’ve read “Google a picture of Jeff Bridges and then Google a picture of Gary Busey.” You can’t edit your comments here.

    • caterpillarkiller

      I don’t know man, the whole site looks like it’s a joke. The banner at the top looks like a gay porno with the name HARD DAWN which seems to be a reference to morning wood.

      • Stephenson_Billings

        Funny how you young people know nothing about American history. “Morning in America Again” is a reference to Ronald Reagan’s famous campaign slogan. (See: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EU-IBF8nwSY). We are simply trying to reinvigorate that patriotism and hopefullness, while acknowledging that it will not be an easy challenge considering the dangers of liberalsim.

        • caterpillarkiller

          But that doesn’t address why you’ve got a shirtless dude with a starburst coming from his crotch on your banner. Did you get it from the gay clip art section or was it a screen grab from a gay porn cover?

        • wiredream

          And meanwhile, Ronald Reagan would be considered a liberal in 2016 – and probably rolling in his grave at what the Tea-Bagging NeoNazi Republican party has become.

    • Blanche Beecham

      Looks like Jeff Bridges to me. Also, it is a drawing, not a photographic “picture” so maybe that is the distinction that needs to be made here.

      • Kaylee-Aurora

        I can tell Tony’s a real “genius.” Ha!

  • JT

    Yea – wow. This is really bad.

    Kaylee, you are certainly misinformed, or just simply a little wild. From working with Microsoft on their real estate strategy as a CRE broker, and now working with the largest investors in the world at a hedge fund, I continue to smoke weed and live/embrace the “dude” culture. And I am certainly making more bang for my buck than SOME other occupations I can think of……(Paranoid Journalizm)(Spelled with a Z on purpose). And flaccid??? I can guarantee you, that would not be the way to describe my life.

    Just kind of crazy how many people are out there that legitimately have 0 clue what they are talking about, yet have a platform to speak. And then there are those who absolutely know what they are talking about, yet have no avenue to take to have people hear what they say…instead you just get people like this. And these people fall into a very sad and lonely category. One of which is degrades instead of accurately constructs.

  • Blanche Beecham

    Kaylee, you are really pushing the lady hot buttons. Why is it so confusing for men to understand that we are not modestly dressed sexual beasts that become slicked and quivered at the sight of some half-n-half vomit stained sweater wearing hobo? I don’t know, I doubt if anyone knows. The truth, and I think you have burst that wide open in your article here, is that Jeff Bridges is not that complex and women are not interested in surprise alley sex with him, at least not with that sweater on.

    • cleanliness.is the key to the sanctuary,

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Why thank you for the compliments,Blanche!!!!!

      Yup, around my house we like to say that maybe Darwin got it backward and men are devolving every day! The husband just gets himself all filthy like a child and can’t get off the couch and when he does he’s always monkeying around! Gosh, I just puzzles my mind what he’s doing about himself especially with all those dumb Levowski memes he posts. There’s no inner child. it’s a totally outward child!

      • Stephenson_Billings

        Charles Darwin… Hehehe!

    • sudon’t

      Neither you nor Kaylee seem to know your biblically prescribed place. As the Bible makes clear, it is not the man’s job to clean – it’s yours. Sure, you can marry some metrosexual type, but if you want a real man, you’d better learn to keep a house. It’s ridiculous to expect a single man to live in a clean place. There’s no woman to clean it for him, and you’ve failed to step up.
      You women had an easy life – watching soap operas all day, and maybe an hour of cooking and cleaning with the labor-saving devices we invented for you, in the houses we built for you – but you threw it away for a chance to be “liberated”. Now, you’re drudges, just like we’ve been for thousands of years, wasting away your life working, and in the process brought wages down for everybody. And you now expect us to clean the house? Sorry, ladies! Get back home, doll yourselves up, and start taking care of your men. That’s how you’ll find fulfillment. Leave the work of the World to men. Why do you think God made you the weaker sex?

      • Blanche Beecham

        You must be ^this tall to make a post, you precocious little boy. I walk with the Lord and have an anointed hand to smack across your little smart backside. You respect a woman grieving for the return of her husband, who disappeared while on mission in Thailand, you little dickblister. I’ll take you to the foot of the cross, By the ear!

  • +Compelling+

  • Johnny Johnboy

    Is this website really just for people who hate people who don’t bathe and are out of shape? You know, you can make that problem go away, it’s not that difficult. If people have healthy food, clean clothes, shelter with access to a shower and bed, and something meaningful to do instead of shoveling fast food crap down people’s fat necks, they might learn to lead the kind of life you would appreciate. You can’t just throw the conservative bible at them and expect them to change