Abiding Jeff Bridges is Getting America’s Dudes in a Heap of Trouble

Posted on by Kaylee-Aurora
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Jeff Bridges has become the warm, fuzzy hero of America’s backsliding middle class.

I can’t tell you how enraged I am right now!

For once, America has an honest chance to do something real this election. We have a true alpha beating his chest for greatness but everyone is just too caught up in themselves to notice.

The worst of it is all those young men out there, the boys from the suburbs who come from good parents and good homes, these are the ones who have the most to lose and the most to gain. These are the ones who have a responsibility to keep our nation’s heritage safe from inner city socialism but they’d rather get stoned and giggle at late night movies. What the heck has happened to you people?

What really pisses me off is they’ve put leftist Hollywood freak Jeff Bridges on a massive internet pedestal and it’s driving me completely nuts! I can’t go a day without seeing some idiotic meme on Facebook with his scraggly face and half-closed eyes. He always looks 500% stoned, which he probably is, and about to nod off on a five-hour nap.

And to think that it’s mostly white guys doing this. Are you people just stupid? This is your country, you blind, dumb fools!

Did you know that Donald Trump and Jeff Bridges are practically the same age? Isn’t it insane to think of the two very different paths these men have traveled in their lives? Trump is a self-made man who has inspired hundreds of millions with such hits like The Art of the Deal and Celebrity Apprentice. Bridges did a movie where he sat on a couch for a long time and then went bowling. Don’t you get it now, people?

That’s it. I’m done trying to communicate something real to you guys.

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Why do so many men believe women fantasize about riding away from all their worries on the back of some dude’s Harley?

We are living in two Americas. In one, folks understand and respect the leadership of a man like Donald J. Trump. In the other, guys just want to lie on the couch all day gratifying themselves and watching reruns. You’re a vile bunch and there’s a reason women like me hate you. You don’t bathe, you can’t keep the kitchen clean, you haven’t changed the bed sheets in months. You wear drab, ugly, foul-smelling clothes. Your hair is an oily mess. Your lips are chapped and your teeth stink. You’re failures just like your mothers always told you! And you’d rather spend all night masturbating (loudly) on the computer in the bathroom than go out for a romantic dinner with a very special woman who has worked too hard to make everything in her life perfect right now to throw it all away on a piece of crap like you!

Somehow you “dudes” think Jeff Bridges is sexy. You think he’s the sort that girls dream about. Yeah, right! Like we’d ever fantasize about making eye contact with that sweaty heft of a man and luring him to a gas station toilet. He’s just the sort to turn me around and unzip, while purring whiskey spittle in my ears. Like I’d abandon the minivan and my groceries to ride on the back of his “hog.” Maybe we’ll go off to some bowling alley where we’d do rounds of bourbon and then some hillbilly crank while straight-arrow housewives watch and we just laugh at them. Laugh really loud and crazy! Maybe after that, I’ll take him to the back alley for another session among all the rats and garbage bags! Oh, I’d love to be humiliated in the cold night air like that! Oh, I’d love it if he spanked me and called me a filthy whore as he hiked up my skirt! If only you “dudes” could just perfect your “dudeness,” we gals would love to do these things, no matter how bloated and lazy and reeking of yesterday’s McDonalds you are! Maybe that’s the secret to getting our sex life back on track! Is that what you jerks really think?

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Take a look at your nest, you flaccid little failure.

Okay, enough with my sarcasm. It’s giving me a panic attack.

I would like to say that the women of America really need to take a stand on men and their beloved couches. There’s always that oily dent where you spend all day. The cushions are damp and it smells like a dying dog vomited somewhere. You always have your nest of blankets and then there’s the pop cans and food boxes and bowls of dried cereal and all those tech cables like you’re an engineer constructing a shrine to your wretched Jeff Bridges and his enormous, unstoppable manhood. I just want to burn all those “man couches” in a giant bonfire. Now that’s a campaign the women of America could really rally round!

Can’t you guys just get your act together! Do you really want to prove your mother the shrew right? Don’t you have any self-respect? Why do you think we’re both getting fat? I just wish I had Donald J. Trump right here right now to slap some sense into you! I’d have him slap you real good. And then a little more just to make sure.