Do Gay Pets Go to Heaven?

Posted on by Stephenson Billings


“What happens to Rover when he dies, Mommy? Will he go to heaven?” This is a question many a parent has heard from a weeping child. It’s heart wrenching but symbolic of the great affection little ones have for their pets. It also belies an early interest in the nature of Christian faith and many will agree it’s a wonderful thing to have your very own youngsters thinking about death and the afterlife.

Recently however, this dead pets issue has gotten much more complicated with the idea that there are “homosexual” or “gay” animals out there who may or may not be entitled to a place in heaven. Zookeepers have been spreading this controversial idea for some time now and their young visitors soak it up with equal abandon. Comedian Stephen Colbert even went so far as to celebrate this argument on his cable show “The Colbert Report” when he interviewed notorious liberal animal rights activist Jon Mooallem. So what should you say if your child asks you about death, homosexuality and pets?

Homosexuality is a sin in the eyes of our Lord. This is stated so often and so clearly in Christian texts that you should distrust the motivations of anyone who says otherwise. Many studies and thousands of years of human history have proven irrefutably that homosexuality is one of the sickest sins of them all. It is a denial of your responsibility to go forth and multiply and it is the key force behind the destruction of American primacy. The people who engage in these physical acts celebrate sin with their outrageously flamboyant lifestyles and lust for grunge and muscles, innocence and the fresh scent of teenage flesh. The gay man in America wants nothing more than to stuff your face in the musk of his indecency and they will stop at nothing to corrupt our teens, whether it be through the media, video games or children’s toys.

Is There Any Proof That Homosexuality Exists In The Animal Kingdom?

First of all, there is no widely accepted documented proof that homosexuality exists naturally in the animal kingdom. Jon Mooallem’s “Can Animals Be Gay?” article in the New York Times relies on some very biased and select evidence that many scientists and religious leaders would reject out of hand. The great failure in Mooallem’s premise is that he imposes human characteristics on the animal kingdom. It is no surprise that this writer is an avowed vegan animal rights activists whose agenda is closely connected to radical elements of the liberal movement. Furthermore, Mooallem comprehends very little about group psychology and emotions. Animals of the same sex do indeed spend time together. They do like games. They do co-habitate. That is part of being a little furry beast. To claim that two male squirrels that share a cozy nest during a bitter winter night must be having secret erotic homosexual sessions is just absurd.

Take this example: imagine if an alien were to visit the earth and watch a group of hearty football players on the field through his telescope. If this alien watched them jostle in the mud together and then run off to a steamy shower where they playfully gave each other slaps and shared a single bar of minty soap, what would this alien think? What if he saw them jump into their pickup trucks and drive home to a frat house where these able-bodied athletes bunked in close quarters, drinking beers together in their underwear on an old couch late into a warm, Southern night? If you’re not educated in the human experience and have no light of faith guiding you, one might dream that this is a same-sex scenario, but clearly that is erroneous and foolhardy. Being disconnected from reality and having a supercharged libido seems to be the curse of many of these so-called journalists and scientists today. They simply need to stop thinking about sex all the time.

gay pets

One caveat: a handful of homosexual situations have been observed in the animal kingdom, but only in zoos. This is caused by the same “cabin fever” mentality that you find in prisons and is representative of the type of faithless liberal thinking that poses a genuine danger to American democracy. When you force creatures of the same sex to co-habitate for long periods of time, their natural expressions of heterosexuality burst forth. Animals are instinctively propelled to procreate. With no females in sight, some homosexuality has been known to occur amongst imprisoned animals, just like the Latin sex gangs in a super prison. This does not prove homosexuality is natural for animals nor for Latins. In fact, it proves just the opposite: that the natural inclination of males is to procreate so they may father children, even if there are no women around. In human prisons, this issue is complicated by the fact that the people who are locked away have sinned in the eyes of the Lord and against our laws.

The Gay Moth Controversy

When scientists are tempted to play god with the animal kingdom they are truly violating the commandants of our Lord. It is something that can send shockwaves through the human kingdom as well. In a most disturbing case, British scientists recently turned an entire species of moths into gays by spraying them with a special hormone. This is repulsive, particularly considering the old scientific adage that the flutter of a butterfly can set off a chain of events that can change history. In this case, scientists have made that flutter into an outrageously gay flutter, summoning male mouths into a frenzy of gay activity. In doing so, these scientists (who did not consult any spiritual leaders beforehand) threatened humanity’s future. They have created an unnecessary plague of homosexuality eerily reminiscent of the Plague of Locusts in Exodus. Interestingly enough, the Bible does not identify if the plague of locusts, that agency of divine judgement, is actually a plague of gay locusts.

What About Heterosexual Animals? Do They Go To Heaven?

Whether an animal is “gay” or not, the short answer to this question is no. Some Christian thinkers have tried to argue otherwise, but the Bible is very clear that God created animals to be the servants of humans. They are there to carry things for us and to be cooked as meat when we’re hungry. Some animals violate these rules. They serve no purpose for humanity; rather they distract and harass us. Beasts must serve humans and not the other way around. Some animals do trick their human masters into becoming helpless slaves, commanding fresh food and the central spot on the couch. As I have explored before, the cat is one of the most common offenders against the commandments of God and it is truly a sin for a Christian to own one. Maybe you should ask yourself why you need your cats in heaven beside you in the first place. Do you think you’ll get bored of God after awhile? Heaven is meant to be where we sit at the feet of our Lord and revel in his light and glory for eternity. We are not jumping around, planting gardens and feeding Fluffy. No, we are there to sit still and appreciate God. To ask if we can bring along a pet is akin to asking if you can bring your cat with you on a rollercoaster ride because you might get tired and lonely. It’s simply the absurd neediness of the weak-minded.

A side note on the Colbert/Jon Mooallem interview: It was terribly offensive for me to watch this greasy liberal propaganda machine turn out a new set of lies. These two charlatans rightly deserve each other with their hatred of reason and faith pooled up in balls of sweat on their pancaked faces. Jon Mooallem clearly has experienced the wide berth of depravity in modern America. He is obsessed with beasts and bestial sex and has no shame sharing his animal pornography with the world. This is a dangerous and illicit dilettante who enjoys dressing up and wearing makeup on national television. I am particularly disgusted by Stephen Colbert. His show has become even less compelling than it ever was. He’s a phony who is just phoning it in. He can barely look straight into the camera anymore without laughing at you. He truly hates YOU! He laughs in your face as he cashes your checks for the millions upon millions that he’s stolen from America’s wallets and from the good intentions of our economy. This man wants nothing more than endless and obscene self-gratification and like the worst sort of exhibitionist, it needs to be witnessed by as many people as possible. And there you people are, in the audience! An audience paid to clap and howl at every shift of his grimy grin but even I can tell that THE JOY IS GONE! Colbert’s audience is really just celebrating repetition and monotony these days, craving the slimy comfort of a familiar blanket. Colbert holds up a mirror to the pathetic, under-employed children of America every night and tells them he loves them. These children in turn are desperate for his affection, as they get no love from an economy that does not embrace laziness and drug addiction, from parents who reject radical lifestyle choices and sex perversion, and from a God who does not barter with homosexuality and egomania. You nasty people truly deserve each other.