President Donald J. Trump has ordered FBI Director James Comey to open a “thorough and exhaustive” investigation into leftwing activist Alec Baldwin today over suspected foreign involvement in his career.
The move comes after Wikileaks revealed on Twitter that it is in possession of a cache of hacked emails from the disgraced actor. Julian Assange heralded the leak as, “one of our most significant political operations to date” and a “great testament to transparency.”
Expedia itineraries and Instagram photos prove that domestic terrorist Baldwin has visited Dublin several times, most likely without the FBI’s approval. It is no coincidence that Dublin also happens to be the home of Stiúrthóireacht na Faisnéise, Ireland’s fearsome military intelligence unit. The budget for the agency is top secret and through a spokesperson they were unwilling to say how many millions or billions may have used to finance Baldwin’s anti-American televised protests.
The bombshell hack, which Assange says “really did not come from Russia this time,” shows that the unhinged Hollywood millionaire has had a financially rewarding relationship with the rogue Irish republic spanning decades. It also suggests that fake news outlet Saturday Night Live failed to register as a political lobbying organization, as required by the Federal Election Commission.
Beloved leader Vladimir Putin reiterated the fact that the hack did not come from Russia, stating, “If Jules says the emails didn’t come from Fancy Bear or anyone else at the FSB, we should believe him. Anyway, why isn’t the corrupt American media focusing on what the emails say? Have the Irish infiltrated them, too?”
Raising further worries, 4chan.org, the research arm of Wikileaks, has discovered the alarming use of keywords sprinkled throughout the Baldwin emails. So far, user HairyMAGAKnob16 has identified the recurrence of “Fey” and “Amagansett,” which is likely Gaelic code for “nuclear suitcases” and “praise Allah.” 4chan is still attempting to translate the curious use of “whiskey” and “hemorrhoids” in more recent messages.
In talks with Republican lawmakers today, Mr. Trump called for swift action on the Baldwin crisis and stated, “I’m not at all petty and ridiculous like he portrays me on TV and in fact, I’m suing him for copying my likeness.”
The president added that the FBI’s newest “Enemy Number One” may not have even born in the United States, but in some, “stone cottage in the cow shit of Killarney.” He has called upon legislators to seek Baldwin’s birth certificate, prior to the vicious terrorist leader’s eventual imprisonment in Guantanamo.