“Fact Checking” to Be Classified an Act of Treason, According to National Security Advisor Bannon

Posted on by Stephenson Billings

The White House released this sketch of a prototypical “fact checker” now threatening America with intellectual terror.

In recent weeks, top CIA analysts have noticed a disturbing uptick in terrorist chatter coming from within the borders of the United States.

These threats are aimed directly at the White House.

The worst of it includes missives launched against President Trump’s honesty and integrity. The bulk of this vile intimidation has been covertly traced back to two extremist groups, known by the codenames “Snopes” and “Politifact.”

Much like Osama Bin Laden’s invention of Islamic fundamentalism, these organizations have pioneered a new form of domestic terror know as “fact checking” that is rapidly taking hold among the shunted and unloved on the musky fringes of American society.

Now, for the first time, National Security Advisor Admiral Steve Bannon has gone on record classifying this homeland guerilla activism as “an act of treason.”

Admiral Bannon’s move immediately empowers the FBI to prosecute any individual accused of providing intellectual support to this dangerous underground movement.

Whether it be in the press, on Facebook or in the streets, the Trump Administration wants the world to know it has a zero tolerance policy towards “homegrown fact checking.”

Citizens suspected of this egregiously unpatriotic offense could face show trials and even public floggings. The president himself has promised, “The very best ratings” for such events.

“Fact checkers” often lurk online late into the night, ready to harass you with “alternative alternative facts.”

For many fact checkers, punishment has long been a central facet of their lives.

Dr. John Barron, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at Trump University Poughkeepsie, postulates that fact checkers are often radicalized early in life due to a lack of participation in alpha-male activities, like hot rod racing and sexual assault. He believes many grow up resenting the fact that they don’t have billion-dollar inheritances and channel that rage into advanced degrees at elite liberal universities.

“Today’s fact checkers are no longer the button-up librarians of old,” Dr. Barron noted, “they’re leather jacket wearing, bomb-throwing street rebels, with an overblown sense of history and a propensity for alcohol, immoral comedies and comfortable shoes. And the men are even worse!”

According to the highest level sources in the Trump Administration, the “FCs” recently claimed responsibility for a raid on the White House’s official pipeline of alternative facts. The assault permanently damaged veteran Kellyanne Conway, leaving her so emotionally devastated she was unable to file her nails. They are also suspected of an ongoing battle to censor passionate voices from the Russian intelligence community on the World Wide Web.

Worse still, rumors are now circulating that a group known only as “WaPo” has dispatched an elite team to terminate the career of Trump Spokesman Sean Spicer “with extreme accuracy.”

“With rogue states like California and Australia threatening America’s borders,” Admiral Bannon warned, “it’s now more important than ever that we denounce fact checking and bring an end to our 241-year long national nightmare of an independent fourth estate.”

 

  • Blanche Beecham

    Everyone seems to think THEY JUST KNOW IT ALL, especially these smarty pants liberal college educated nimcompoops. I think what has made it worse is the prevalence of smartphones. now these eager nancies can look and cross reference and tumblr up a funny gif before you can say Bowling Green Massacre.

    Maybe if everyone would listen, instead of loading up a lawsuit or the next tweet that makes Kellyanne weep, we could have nice things.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      I nearly had a fist fight with some Hillary hippie the other day who thought I was taking to long at the coffee shop the other day. Those people don’t understand borders, not the social kinds or the Mexican kind! Sorry that I want a special drink but I can’t start my day without a triple, venti, half sweet, non-fat, caramel macchiato!