From Austin to East Bushwick, America’s unsanitary hipster slums pose a unique challenge for the presidency of Donald J. Trump.
Illicit drug use is rampant. Sexual deviancy is even more so. Pot-bellied degenerates with long, oily beards wander the streets in urine-stained rags. They sing songs of entitlement and self-proclaimed victimhood. The women give themselves over to the dark arts of lesbianism. In secret basement clubs, they wear black lingerie and play card games where any shred of decency is quickly gambled away.
All avoid gainful employment, instead announcing themselves at every opportunity as “makers.” Yet the only thing they manage to manufacture is social media, and they do that with a cocaine-fueled frenzy long past the first grayness of dawn.
Most damning of all, the socialist revolution espoused by ex-candidate Bernie Sanders has made these places incredibly dangerous. They are ghastly wounds on our body politic, threatening to ooze out at any moment and infect an entire new generation of innocent youths.
In every way, it’s hard to imagine this hipster vice participating in the national community that Mr. Trump has so boldly envisioned.
A Priority For the President
When elected, we call upon Donald Trump to swiftly contain this incredible menace. It should be noted that many of these slums are surrounded by blue-collar neighborhoods. In Chicago, for instance, the hipster quarter of Wicker Park is adjacent to hardworking Irish and Polish communities that help supply our domestic security services. Many others border African-American areas, which themselves serve as vital recruitment grounds for our military. For the sake of all these children, we need to physically restrain the hipster element from seizing more lands.
The North Loop in Minneapolis will need to be swiftly quarantined, as will San Francisco’s Mission District and Seattle’s Capitol Hill. Homeland Security should establish a vigorous corridor around Somerville, Massachusetts and Portland, Oregon at the earliest possible moment. New Orleans poses the most critical armament issues, while Silver Lake in Los Angeles will require logistical ingenuity. It’s recommended that enclaves like Providence, Rhode Island, and Oakland, California, be entirely condemned.
Walls and barbed wire may seem like an extreme notion to some, but for the families threatened daily by disease and dissent, a well-patrolled barrier will provide an immediate measure of relief.
Cauterizing the Wound
Once isolated, the cancer still needs to be treated. Hipster ghettos must submit to the Rule of Law under President Trump.
To achieve this objective, a Chief Elder of the Hipsters needs to be appointed in each slum zone. Surely there are public personalities who can command authority over their comrades. Lena Dunham, Michael Cera, Bon Iver and Zooey Deschanel are just a few of the figures who are likely to collaborate. They may even welcome the position as an opportunity to expand their personal brands. Give them access to a Trader Joe’s or an Apple Store and these leaders will easily be able to barter the obedience of the teeming hipster hoards.
A locally-sourced police force should also be a top priority. It is recommended that we recruit these numbers from bartenders and club bouncers already operating in the area. Hipsters are well acquainted with the cruelty of such service men. Funds should be designated for limited edition “fixies” to entice enlistment.
A National Solution
After a security perimeter has been established around these violent boroughs, President Trump will need to focus on protecting our farming communities. Particular attention should be paid to upstate New York, Minnesota, Oregon, Northern California and all of New England. The Department of Health could issue decrees demanding all rural hipsters relocate to quarantine areas for their own safety. Chief Elders can also help us prepare targeted propaganda campaigns extolling the virtues of new beer gardens and makers’ fairs in the ghettos. Most will go willingly for fear of missing out on a trending scene.
A cash bounty could be offered for any underground insurgents who dare violate these new health laws. Citizens who turn in family members would receive extra compensation. Considering that this lifestyle choice costs parents untold billions a year, many adults will be happy to cooperate. In extreme cases, griefers could be employed to lure the most dangerous out of their hiding places with promises of memes and “Molly.”
The Black Rock City Strategy
Donald Trump’s focus on rebuilding our national infrastructure will eventually make these hipster ghettos obsolete. They sit on lands that could be far better used to grow our economy. Our corporate citizens may need such properties for new factories or office parks. Investors could take advantage of these locations to construct housing units for our expanding population, thus bringing much-needed gentrification (and with it, safety) to inner city areas.
To encourage resettlement, we need only look at the Burning Man model. If we create buzz about an impending outdoor festival, the hipster quarters will empty themselves. Obama’s former FEMA camps are the perfect staging grounds for these facilities. Chinatown Buses” could be employed to keep the transport expenses at a minimum.
In the final analysis, the success of any Hipster Resettlement Program demands the moral commitment of all citizens. We need to embark on a soul-searching examination of who we are as a people, how much we love patriotic family values and how much we fear the decadent corruption of our culture. The challenge is great, but if we are successful at excising this cancer, we may heal and grow under the vision of President Donald J. Trump. And one day, we may find ourselves spreading that healing to any conquered lands. Germany, the Netherlands and Argentina are just a few of the places suffering from the hipster epidemic that are awaiting America’s cure.