Under Trump, Life in the Hipster Ghettos Will Face Renewed Scrutiny

Posted on by Stephenson Billings
Hipsters are directly threatened by Donald Trump's embrace of the Rule of Law.

Is the party over for America’s dangerous hipster elements?

From Austin to East Bushwick, America’s unsanitary hipster slums pose a unique challenge for the presidency of Donald J. Trump.

Illicit drug use is rampant. Sexual deviancy is even more so. Pot-bellied degenerates with long, oily beards wander the streets in urine-stained rags. They sing songs of entitlement and self-proclaimed victimhood. The women give themselves over to the dark arts of lesbianism. In secret basement clubs, they wear black lingerie and play card games where any shred of decency is quickly gambled away.

All avoid gainful employment, instead announcing themselves at every opportunity as “makers.” Yet the only thing they manage to manufacture is social media, and they do that with a cocaine-fueled frenzy long past the first grayness of dawn.

Most damning of all, the socialist revolution espoused by ex-candidate Bernie Sanders has made these places incredibly dangerous. They are ghastly wounds on our body politic, threatening to ooze out at any moment and infect an entire new generation of innocent youths.

In every way, it’s hard to imagine this hipster vice participating in the national community that Mr. Trump has so boldly envisioned.

Exploding crime rates in the hipster slums are bleeding over into nearby communities.

Exploding crime rates in the hipster slums are bleeding over into nearby communities.

A Priority For the President
When elected, we call upon Donald Trump to swiftly contain this incredible menace. It should be noted that many of these slums are surrounded by blue-collar neighborhoods. In Chicago, for instance, the hipster quarter of Wicker Park is adjacent to hardworking Irish and Polish communities that help supply our domestic security services. Many others border African-American areas, which themselves serve as vital recruitment grounds for our military. For the sake of all these children, we need to physically restrain the hipster element from seizing more lands.

The North Loop in Minneapolis will need to be swiftly quarantined, as will San Francisco’s Mission District and Seattle’s Capitol Hill. Homeland Security should establish a vigorous corridor around Somerville, Massachusetts and Portland, Oregon at the earliest possible moment. New Orleans poses the most critical armament issues, while Silver Lake in Los Angeles will require logistical ingenuity. It’s recommended that enclaves like Providence, Rhode Island, and Oakland, California, be entirely condemned.

Walls and barbed wire may seem like an extreme notion to some, but for the families threatened daily by disease and dissent, a well-patrolled barrier will provide an immediate measure of relief.

Cauterizing the Wound
Once isolated, the cancer still needs to be treated. Hipster ghettos must submit to the Rule of Law under President Trump.

Hipsters will need to take responsibility for policing themselves.

Hipsters will need to take responsibility for policing themselves.

To achieve this objective, a Chief Elder of the Hipsters needs to be appointed in each slum zone. Surely there are public personalities who can command authority over their comrades. Lena Dunham, Michael Cera, Bon Iver and Zooey Deschanel are just a few of the figures who are likely to collaborate. They may even welcome the position as an opportunity to expand their personal brands. Give them access to a Trader Joe’s or an Apple Store and these leaders will easily be able to barter the obedience of the teeming hipster hoards.

A locally-sourced police force should also be a top priority. It is recommended that we recruit these numbers from bartenders and club bouncers already operating in the area. Hipsters are well acquainted with the cruelty of such service men. Funds should be designated for limited edition “fixies” to entice enlistment.

A National Solution
After a security perimeter has been established around these violent boroughs, President Trump will need to focus on protecting our farming communities. Particular attention should be paid to upstate New York, Minnesota, Oregon, Northern California and all of New England. The Department of Health could issue decrees demanding all rural hipsters relocate to quarantine areas for their own safety. Chief Elders can also help us prepare targeted propaganda campaigns extolling the virtues of new beer gardens and makers’ fairs in the ghettos. Most will go willingly for fear of missing out on a trending scene.

A cash bounty could be offered for any underground insurgents who dare violate these new health laws. Citizens who turn in family members would receive extra compensation. Considering that this lifestyle choice costs parents untold billions a year, many adults will be happy to cooperate. In extreme cases, griefers could be employed to lure the most dangerous out of their hiding places with promises of memes and “Molly.”

The elder statesmen of the hipster community could be asked to maintain control.

The elder statesmen of the hipster community could be asked to maintain control.

The Black Rock City Strategy
Donald Trump’s focus on rebuilding our national infrastructure will eventually make these hipster ghettos obsolete. They sit on lands that could be far better used to grow our economy. Our corporate citizens may need such properties for new factories or office parks. Investors could take advantage of these locations to construct housing units for our expanding population, thus bringing much-needed gentrification (and with it, safety) to inner city areas.

To encourage resettlement, we need only look at the Burning Man model. If we create buzz about an impending outdoor festival, the hipster quarters will empty themselves. Obama’s former FEMA camps are the perfect staging grounds for these facilities. Chinatown Buses” could be employed to keep the transport expenses at a minimum.

In the final analysis, the success of any Hipster Resettlement Program demands the moral commitment of all citizens. We need to embark on a soul-searching examination of who we are as a people, how much we love patriotic family values and how much we fear the decadent corruption of our culture. The challenge is great, but if we are successful at excising this cancer, we may heal and grow under the vision of President Donald J. Trump. And one day, we may find ourselves spreading that healing to any conquered lands. Germany, the Netherlands and Argentina are just a few of the places suffering from the hipster epidemic that are awaiting America’s cure.


  • Cassidy Pen

    I’m completely in favor of using the resources of our great nation to stem the hipster menace. For them to police themselves, they would need to have initial incentive methods applied in the form of a clunk on the head or a bit of eye burning tear gas. Grant Park was a good start in 1968, but as democrats do, Mayor Daley would not follow through. President Trump would have such resolve, if I do say so myself.

    • Derby Mack

      If only they had a few more batons in action when these freaks tried to take over New York with their Occupy riots but I guess that commie mayor Dibasio was probably down there with him!

  • Blanche Beecham

    I, like many right-minded Americans, am dismayed by this imbecile movement that seems heck-bent on destroying the grit and gumption of American culture. I am mostly shocked to the core when I see how these joint smoking little snark weasels mock the American worker with home decor trends. Industrial assets are for manufacturing products, not your coffee house!

    And while we’re at it, Stop putting your little small-batch-bathroom-crafted-cookie-flavored pale ale bottles in an industrial chemical bin filled with ice! It is no wonder these self poisoning indigo vunderkinds vote with the radical Liberals.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Personally when I’m not drinking white wine, i drink America, the brand beer. It’s delicious and patriotic and I feel like the money is going to a good cause.

      • Blanche Beecham

        Kaylee, more women should follow your blogs and actions. What do Hipster women even do?

  • andywade

    I fear it is too late for that sort of namby-pamby, wishy-washy, loony lefty, Big Gummint BS. Our communities are almost entirely overrun by overpaid shitwits… and I mean overpaid! I just saw a years membership to a local “microplex” for $600. It’s becoming difficult for normal people to buy food, as more and more groceries are replaced by wanky, overpriced delicatessens and “artisanal butchers” selling grey, rotten meat for ten times its’ actual value. It’s them or us, fellas!

    The hipster menace must be taken care of permanently and with extreme prejudice. I suggest distributing smallpox-infected check shirts and horn-rimmed glasses. Or at the very least start “enhancing” their craft beers with birth control pills so they can’t reproduce.

    • Wow

      You’re a fucking idiot, you fucking idiot. With any luck you’re already dead.

      • andywade

        You’re just saying that because you’re are a LIBRUL. Why do you hate America and love ISLAMS?

      • andywade


  • DaveJ

    Uhh, really, hipsters are the most harmless people on the planet. They have jobs, like baristas and bike messengers. This is probably the most bizarre article I’ve ever read.

    • Blanche Beecham

      Uhh, you need to detox from the coffee and small batch kale brew, because that – ie “hipsters are the most harmless people on the planet” is a flat out delusional fabrication.

      Hipsters are worse than the Zika virus, leprosy and the black plague combined. The hipster mindset is one of self pleasuring and profound elitism. All the deconstructed breakfast served on a 52 Ford Engine block, including pancakes without flour (blech) is a trend that challenges non-hipsters to dare to criticize and in turn also changes healthy DNA and makes idiot babies. If we can’t stop it, at least can we un-fertilize these weirdos?

      Hipsters are not harmless. They will mess with your DNA so you have idiot babies.

      • Matt

        You’re a fucking idiot.

  • Brian Kenny

    OMG I love this site SO MUCH -Hipster from Bushwick (no, really)

  • Metalmaniaxx

    Who wrote this article? Nixon himself?! Such bullshit..fear mongering ,stereotyping drivel..I personally can’t stand hipsters because they’re the storm troopers of gentrification..but aside from that,they’re not so bad..