Profound. Prodigious. Profane. These are the labels most often affixed to the floral lapel of Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki, Australia’s most infamous messiah of scientific skepticism. He crusades for climate change theology, while denying the Biblical truth of young Earth creationism. He’s ageless and agile, a warlock on a word processor who has authored thousands of articles and close to 40 books. His energy seems inhuman, while his views on everything from chemtrails to End Times prophecy are certainly inhumane.
While it would be easy to dismiss this man as an exotic kook in a far off land, a closer investigation reveals that his relentless psychological warfare is undermining true faith across the globe. Now, Dr. Karl’s black art of skepticism has begun to blossom in the minds of young people everywhere. This disturbing fad has implications not just for civil society, but for America’s sacred destiny in the face of all-out global war. As we humbly submit in the report that follows, this may have been the mad scientist’s plan all along.
Terra Australis, Why Hath America Forsaken Thee?
For too long, the dark continent of Australia has fallen below the radar of everyday Christian concern. According to the liberal media, this is a farcical place of crocodiles and kangaroos, road warriors and bikini-clad goddesses. Yet this image is a carefully crafted myth, a mask for a far more sinister world.
As the empire of China rises and builds islands in the sea, the United States must face the fact that the next great war will be in the East. Our allies there — Japan, the Philippines, South Korea — may not withstand the onslaught of a billion-man army marching forward. Australia, however, is well situated for the long haul of total global warfare. Indeed, one of the continent’s best-kept secrets is its stash of vital resources including coal, natural gas, diamonds and gold. These incredible riches have been hoarded beyond the control of the U.S. for the better part of a century. When the final battle comes, shouldn’t Australia do its rightful part to save the American way of life?
According to Dr. Karl, the answer to that question is no!
Kruszelnicki is a proponent of so-called “global peace,” which in American strategic terms equates to socialism and surrender. Global elitists cherish the idea of “peace” because it means opening up our borders to illegal immigration and handing our national sovereignty to the United Nations. In this scenario, local democracy is replaced by a massive technocracy that erodes our freedom through Big Brother-style mandates. They’ll take away our guns under the guise of keeping people safe. They’ll place restrictions on Christian beliefs for the sake of sexual perversion and “political correctness.” They’ll shut down entire industries for “environmental concerns” and force us into Obamacare health services so that the federal government can limit our access to medical care. They want to take away our cars, our light bulbs and anything else that makes us free so that we’re entirely dependent on nanny state socialism.
Science’s Spiritual Agenda
“Scientism” is another weapon at Dr. Karl’s disposal. Scientism is the belief that hardcore atheistic academic theories have a universal applicability over Biblical teaching. In practice, this means that the good doctor spends his time traveling the planet pushing solar panels, even though many believe they drain the sun of its natural energy. He sells the moon landing theory, despite the fact that numerous online investigators have found serious faults with this Big Government propaganda campaign. Scarlett Johansson and Morgan Freeman famously disproved Kruszelnicki’s theory that we can’t tap more than 10% of our brains with their movie Lucy, but that didn’t diminish his zealotry. This is a charlatan who claims prayer can’t heal, yet he has illicit ties to James Randi, the infamous Canadian occultist. He’s quick to advertise the notion of medical marijuana and just can’t stop talking about penises on his radio show. He has even slandered this very website on live national television!
The pagan astrophysicist will go anywhere to promote his shocking views, whether that means walking across Spain to knock on doors like a vacuum salesman or piloting a cruise into the heart of Antarctica with a ship full of holiday merrymakers. There’s even a secular board game released with Karl’s imprimatur that targets our youngest children in their very own homes! For his efforts, his crazed cronies in scientific extremism have awarded this crafty Australian Copernicus his very own asteroid. Not to be outdone in the absurdity department, Harvard University subsequently gave the man a Nobel Prize for his bellybutton lint!
Ministry of Skeptical Propaganda
None of these outrageous lies would matter if it weren’t for the fact that Dr. Karl is incredibly proficient at medicine, the media and mass marketing. His Semitic ancestry can’t explain away that curious triad of power. Does this suggest that he is, in fact, a member of the Illuminati? The ageless visage coupled with a prodigious scholarly output would attest to this. There is also a sensuously sinewy quality to his skin. Forever tanned and muscled, he looks like the sort who could crush a macadamia nut in his bicep and then decipher alien signals from Tabby’s Star over spoonfuls of vegemite. This fascinating hypothesis is not contradicted by the hundreds of millions rumored to be hidden away in Sydney’s bank vaults!
Adding to the speculation, a review of Dr. Karl’s appearances on ABC News Breakfast shows that he exhibits the rapid eye movement and the sharp, viper-like tongue observed in other Illuminati members by noted investigator David Icke. This certainly begs the question, could Kruszelnicki be of the highest echelons of the super elite, a member of that select group that includes Rockefellers and Rothschilds? Could he be an Illuminati reptile?
If Dr. Karl is reptilian, it would explain his spectacular witchcraft. (It might also explain why there isn’t a single photo online of this hugely famous media kingpin eating human food. And why he has never been seen in the same room as Dr. Karl Kennedy, his namesake from the amazingly fun TV show Neighbors.) Furthermore, this magician of the maths has a unique ability to keep young people spellbound with his test tubes and Bunsen burners. Like the grand old mystics of pagan times, he adorns himself in colorful attire to draw attention. The bright and harsh patterns of his blouses are meant to ward off older, more intelligent viewers who are offended by the loud spectacle. With age comes skepticism! Indeed, Dr. Karl prefers imposing his radical scientism on impressionable minds who are devoid of hardened beliefs. These youngsters are drawn to the fire of rambling speeches, his eruptions of doubt, his insatiable willingness to tear down everything that is sacred and great about humanity’s precious, blessed time on this planet!
The Cult of Intellectual Terror
As radical terror and leftist science thrust this planet into the End Times, we must ask who will stand with Jesus Christ in the coming war. The virus of Dr. Karl’s thinking has already infected millions. His media-ready brand of so-called “skeptical inquiry” has spawned an entire industry of snake oil salesmen who push the secular agenda on morning television, billboards, blogs, radio shows, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter!
In the American heartland, Dr. Karl’s hidden hand can be seen in celebrity “scientist” Bill Nye, who is widely believed to have based his public personality on the Australian’s irrepressible antics. Both fetishize astronomy and shill old earth dinosaur Darwinism at every turn. Both can command vast armies of acolytes with a single tweet. Let’s not mince words, this is the very definition of a domestic threat. The bombs that Dr. Karl and his ilk lob against the wall of our homeland patriotism are nothing less than intellectual terrorism!
If Dr. Karl’s vast conspiracy comes to fruition, the world will be divided between those who have the courage to believe and those who despise faith. Skeptical inquiry, that ugly stepsister of science, is destroying real lives right now. By recruiting young people into this fanatical cult, Kruszelnicki isn’t just insulting the church and the millions who have sacrificed their lives in the name of Jesus, he’s also inviting a spiritual cataclysm. But again, maybe that’s been the plan of this sinewy serpentine Copernicus all along.