They’re dark. They’re spicy. They’re one of the most alluring treats in our food aisles today. For a child, they’re something fancy, like attending a birthday party in a collared shirt. For a man home alone, a single bag is as good as an entire meal. But what are we really getting ourselves into with these flashy foreign snacks? Should we be at all concerned that Doritos are now more popular than good old-fashioned American potato chips?
There are close to 20 million illegal immigrants in the United States right now. The vast majority of them have come from south of our border. We’re talking Mexicans, Colombians and Dominicans. These are the sorts of people who eat barrels full of “tortilla” chips on a daily basis in their native barrios. It’s a world of crime and corruption, lewd sexuality and 100-degree temperatures. Tortilla chips were designed for exactly this sort of harsh lifestyle. No need for forks or napkins, the “nacho” chip can serve as both! You can wipe the salsa off your mustache with a nacho. Their sharp-pointed edges are a handy weapon if you’re fighting over a bowl of dip. When people argue with food in their hands, the most common snack used is the nacho chip. What better to drive the point home, to pierce the air with stabby motions as you yell and flail about! Have you ever seen that happen with a Ritz Cracker or a Velveeta Slice? Of course you haven’t!
Hidden Patterns, Real Perils
Many people don’t realize that the symbolism of the Dorito doesn’t end in Mexico. If you look at its basic form, what is it? It’s a triangle! Triangles are not an American shape. We are a country of stars and stripes, circles and crosses. The triangle evokes visions of far-off pyramids and occult rituals. In fact, the triangle is one of the key icons of the Illuminati. Is it really any coincidence that you can quickly make a Satanic pentagram on any table surface with just five Dorito chips?
Some people argue that Doritos are an American brand because they come from an American company, Pepsi. The truth is Pepsi has long shed its reputation as a homeland business. It’s a globalist Super Bowl-loving goliath with tentacles that slither into the highest levels of New World Order government. And where are the top-secret research labs of this super-corporation located? Valhalla, New York! Vallhalla is, of course, the term that occult worshippers use to describe the afterlife. It is a grand castle of the dead, a mystical hall of kings and noble warriors where the ceiling is covered in the golden — dare I say Dorito-colored? — shields of those who died in battle. Clearly the not-so-subtle evocation of Vallhalla is meant to reinforce the aspirations of Pepsi’s team of mad scientists.
And what have these scientists devised? One common complaint that circulates in political forums is that Doritos seem uniquely engineered to cause a very specific type of thirst. No, you don’t want root beer or orange juice. A glass of water won’t suffice. What you really crave more than anything after a mouthful of Doritos is the frosty, bubbly sensation of a fresh bottle of Pepsi! Furthermore, the elemental structure of the Dorito is far too sophisticated for an American snack. Each chip is laid out on a subtle quartic plane curve (in this instance, a highly abstract combination of both a “bean curve” and an “ampersand curve”). The construction has been painstakingly calibrated to minimize the triangular Illuminati symbolism, yet remain easy to maneuver. The result is a snack that’s compact, small enough for a child, and also easily stackable for one-handed adult eating. This just stinks of New World Order overreach. Why put so much high-tech effort into humble foodstuff if you don’t have something to hide? And we still don’t know exactly what goes into that weirdly addictive “nacho cheese” flavoring!
The Death of Potato-Chip Patriotism?
Americans have an instinct for the natural oval of our potato chips. That shape evokes the outline of a simple potato, the basis of our national cuisine. We are reminded of the farm, of our heartland. Maybe we even think about womanhood, as the roundness suggests the womb and life springing eternal. This is something wholesome and good. Potato chips never look alike. Sometimes they’re long and narrow, other times they’re folded over which makes biting into them an extra treat. There is something inescapably American about such decent and sundry sustenance. And have we already forgotten 9/11 and the era of Freedom Fries? So why, then, why are so many of our fellow citizens abandoning potato chips for bio-engineered occult pyramids? Men, don’t you feel the least bit silly waving around these Mexican mustache combs? And how many of our children need to have their eyes stabbed out with these festive, hallucinogenic weapons before parents shout, Enough!
If we Americans keep this up, pretty soon the whole nation will go down the toilet. Just like a bag of Cool Ranch after Super Bowl Sunday.