Dorito Danger: How Mexican-Style Snack Chips Are Threatening America’s Borders

Posted on by Derby Mack
"Almost hallucinogenic in its loud, festive coloring."

“Almost hallucinogenic in its loud, festive coloring.”

They’re dark. They’re spicy. They’re one of the most alluring treats in our food aisles today. For a child, they’re something fancy, like attending a birthday party in a collared shirt. For a man home alone, a single bag is as good as an entire meal. But what are we really getting ourselves into with these flashy foreign snacks? Should we be at all concerned that Doritos are now more popular than good old-fashioned American potato chips?

There are close to 20 million illegal immigrants in the United States right now. The vast majority of them have come from south of our border. We’re talking Mexicans, Colombians and Dominicans. These are the sorts of people who eat barrels full of “tortilla” chips on a daily basis in their native barrios. It’s a world of crime and corruption, lewd sexuality and 100-degree temperatures. Tortilla chips were designed for exactly this sort of harsh lifestyle. No need for forks or napkins, the “nacho” chip can serve as both! You can wipe the salsa off your mustache with a nacho. Their sharp-pointed edges are a handy weapon if you’re fighting over a bowl of dip. When people argue with food in their hands, the most common snack used is the nacho chip. What better to drive the point home, to pierce the air with stabby motions as you yell and flail about! Have you ever seen that happen with a Ritz Cracker or a Velveeta Slice? Of course you haven’t!

Hidden Patterns, Real Perils

Many people don’t realize that the symbolism of the Dorito doesn’t end in Mexico. If you look at its basic form, what is it? It’s a triangle! Triangles are not an American shape. We are a country of stars and stripes, circles and crosses. The triangle evokes visions of far-off pyramids and occult rituals. In fact, the triangle is one of the key icons of the Illuminati. Is it really any coincidence that you can quickly make a Satanic pentagram on any table surface with just five Dorito chips?

From the pyramid to the pentagram, the Doritos triangle figures heavily into occult symbolism.

From the pyramid to the pentagram, the Doritos triangle figures heavily in occult symbolism.

Some people argue that Doritos are an American brand because they come from an American company, Pepsi. The truth is Pepsi has long shed its reputation as a homeland business. It’s a globalist Super Bowl-loving goliath with tentacles that slither into the highest levels of New World Order government. And where are the top-secret research labs of this super-corporation located? Valhalla, New York! Vallhalla is, of course, the term that occult worshippers use to describe the afterlife. It is a grand castle of the dead, a mystical hall of kings and noble warriors where the ceiling is covered in the golden — dare I say Dorito-colored? — shields of those who died in battle. Clearly the not-so-subtle evocation of Vallhalla is meant to reinforce the aspirations of Pepsi’s team of mad scientists.

Efforts to undermine the dollar with an alternative Doritos-based "currency" has raised concerns.

Efforts to undermine the U.S. dollar with an alternative “Doritos-based currency” has raised concerns among experts.

And what have these scientists devised? One common complaint that circulates in political forums is that Doritos seem uniquely engineered to cause a very specific type of thirst. No, you don’t want root beer or orange juice. A glass of water won’t suffice. What you really crave more than anything after a mouthful of Doritos is the frosty, bubbly sensation of a fresh bottle of Pepsi! Furthermore, the elemental structure of the Dorito is far too sophisticated for an American snack. Each chip is laid out on a subtle quartic plane curve (in this instance, a highly abstract combination of both a “bean curve” and an “ampersand curve”). The construction has been painstakingly calibrated to minimize the triangular Illuminati symbolism, yet remain easy to maneuver. The result is a snack that’s compact, small enough for a child, and also easily stackable for one-handed adult eating. This just stinks of New World Order overreach. Why put so much high-tech effort into humble foodstuff if you don’t have something to hide? And we still don’t know exactly what goes into that weirdly addictive “nacho cheese” flavoring!

The Death of Potato-Chip Patriotism?

Americans have an instinct for the natural oval of our potato chips. That shape evokes the outline of a simple potato, the basis of our national cuisine. We are reminded of the farm, of our heartland. Maybe we even think about womanhood, as the roundness suggests the womb and life springing eternal. This is something wholesome and good. Potato chips never look alike. Sometimes they’re long and narrow, other times they’re folded over which makes biting into them an extra treat. There is something inescapably American about such decent and sundry sustenance. And have we already forgotten 9/11 and the era of Freedom Fries? So why, then, why are so many of our fellow citizens abandoning potato chips for bio-engineered occult pyramids? Men, don’t you feel the least bit silly waving around these Mexican mustache combs? And how many of our children need to have their eyes stabbed out with these festive, hallucinogenic weapons before parents shout, Enough!

If we Americans keep this up, pretty soon the whole nation will go down the toilet. Just like a bag of Cool Ranch after Super Bowl Sunday.


About This Journalist

Founder, Editor-in-Chief and CEO of, Derby Mack is an American Patriot who has dedicated his life to loving his country and preparing his family for the National Apocalypse. He would like to thank the Founding Fathers, President Reagan and Jesus Christ for the opportunity to share Wisdom with every member of the community. God Bless and Stay Vigilant!

  • Kaylee-Aurora

    You just blew my mind, Mack!

  • bettyvery2013

    The problem with doritos is that they’re so greasy, you get that cheese all over your fingers and its impossible to get off. I dont think American chips would ever do that to a person.

  • drummond4

    It’s reffreshing to see someone support American ideals and products from the heartland for once. Every time I turn on the tv it’s some foreign car or some nasty product they’re shilling with a dumb skit that’s supposed to make us laugh. What about the tv when it was inspired and made us respect our country? The people in Hollywood are taking part in this globalist agenda and Clinton’s NAFTA is just one example. I think its crappy how they’re selling the land right out from under us and pretty much handed the Fed to the Chinese and Japanese. This is why we’ll never have the gold standard because they’re all too afraid that we can’t pay for all that foreign crap. The moment we bring back gold, the economy will fall like a house of cards because everything the banks own is worthless except to the billionaires. Its all just numbers on paper not real wealth. I’ll never eat these Doritos again.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Absolutely love to see people embrace the MADE IN THE USA label again!

  • Clay

    Thanks for the hilarious article. This stuff is better than The Onion. Fortunately nobody is really this moronic.

    • indianjoe3295

      Really,…have you read the rest of this site?

    • cneajna dracul

      Fairly sure they’re serious. Based on the other articles. My Mexican family sure got a chuckle out of this one though.

    • jimlouvier

      Based on the rest of the site, these idiots really believe this crap. I’ve been going through and checking some of these articles and I’m just amazed at the level of idiocy that I have seen. Come on, an article where they actually believe that having sex with a pregnant woman will get the baby pregnant if it’s a girl. Morons. All of them.

      • 78910

        Obamabot hates the truth, LOL!

    • Lecterl

      Jumlouvier I’m not so sure…the level of stupid required for people to consistently post stuff of this caliber would have had them eliminated from the gene pool a long time ago…even with natural selection being as broken as it is today with society keeping the dumb/defective alive.

      This has got to be some elaborate troll because there’s no way stupid can survive on this scale. The sheep flocking to this site however, and hailing these articles as gold are a different story. They have just enough reasoning to survive day to day but like to dip into insanity such as this because while they just might be creative enough to come up with it on their own, their brains have that safety switch that keeps them in check from going “Full Retard”.

  • Stephenson_Billings

    The real revolution begins at home with how we eat, who we vote for and what products we buy. We need to affirm our American culture every day in our lives. The English language, our heritage, our values and our borders. This is the only way to save our nation.

    • TheOneTrueGod

      Your heritage was built by immigrants, your borders, fought for by immigrants, your wealth built by immigrants. The only way to save your nation, is through thorough extermination of the physically and mentally defective, Your founding fathers wished for a free country, where anyone regardless of race, or religion, had the right to the pursuit of happiness. Did your God not create everything in the universe? Would that not make every living thing a child of God? If the rapture comes, do you not think you shall be cast away for not loving everyone? Do you not think you shall be condemned for pride? For lust of power? Do you think your God is truly happy when you create an “elitist” society, exclusive only to those who please you? God will be happy with you when you accept everyone as they are, and how they fit into His Divine Plan.

  • indianjoe3295

    Dude,….please,…put on the tinfoil hat and take your meds

  • Grazi Azevedo

    Potatoes are originated from PERU.
    This site has so many BULLSHIT on it that I had to throw up.

    • Stephenson_Billings


      • Grazi Azevedo

        Yeah, pervert and proud.
        At least I have better things to do, like SEX, with my life and don’t write shit.

    • David Agosta

      “So many bullshit?” How many bullshit?

      • Grazi Azevedo

        Everything here is bullshit.
        Punish my son because he is masturbating?
        Homosexuals are going to destroy marriage?
        All of you are crazy.

  • DangerousDuval

    I suppose Pringles are the devil too, since their uniform shape and size are manufactured and un-natural. Obviously these heretic snack foods are going to be the downfall of western civilization!

    Derby, why aren’t you doing something more meaningful with your life, like leading a whack-job cult to salvation by offing yourself?

  • Billy Goats Gruff

    The USA is the greatest nation in the history of our country and I can’t stand to see how we just fall right into this pluralistic tolerance crap. Americans eat potatoes as snack food. Real Americans, that is.

    • Stephenson_Billings

      I love it when REAL patriots speak up for America! God bless you, my friend.

    • Alexander

      Your statement implies that there have been other nations that have risen and fallen since the inception of this country. Pray tell, what were those other nations? Perhaps a little more proof reading and a little less face rolling on your keyboard will help you look less like an idiot. Oh, and great use of the No True Scotsman fallacy there.

    • cneajna dracul

      Um… just curious … what other nation “in the history of our country” would there be? Should probably say “in the history of the world”. The other way implies there was some other nation prior to us being the USA. Just sayin’.

  • Andy

    Someone’s bread just ain’t baked!![no pun intended]

  • Jack Johnson Phd

    There is no doubt in my mind that this all is the work of that devil-worshipping muslim atheist Obama ! First they take away our Potato Chips and before you know it, they’ll try to take away Jesus ! But we shall be vigilant ! God bless the authors of this website ! I love a good Hard Dawn in the morning !

    • jimlouvier

      Is Dawn what you named your hand?

    • Stephenson_Billings

      Thank you, friend, we really appreciate your lonely voice of reason in this sea of blind liberalism.

  • Andy

    So differing opinions are not welcomed here??

  • Ryan Sears

    Go figure. Founder, Editor-in-Chief and CEO of has the most insane post I’ve read.

    I must say: at least this team of writers is entertaining!!

  • ToSmartToBelieveThisCrap

    This is satire right? Someone please tell me this is satire and not share stupidity!

  • Marco

    This is such a stupid and the most idiotic article i have ever read ! You really have an imagination buddy or were you just on something ? Lol Triangle shaped tortilla chips resemble the illuminati now ! Fuck sakes you’re hilarious!

  • Erich Sean

    God, America, guns, family, POTATO chips. In that order.