Once considered a strong diplomatic ally, Norway’s strange descent into cultural recklessness is raising alarm bells in America. The country, which is located on the northern tip of Europe, is an important departure point for Arctic oil exploration, and is of vital national interest to the United States. Traditionally, Norway has served as a blockade against ever-expanding Russian power and as an important refueling port for our SUBLANT fleet. The NSA’s resources at Stavanger have also helped intelligence gathering aimed at former Soviet bloc countries as well as Great Britain.
Yet in the past eight years, the people of Norway have collectively adopted a number of questionable philosophies. Some Norwegians have even been outed in the press for actions that can only be described as dangerously bizarre.
Take, for instance, Norway’s public television station, NRK, which devoted 12 hours of programming this past Friday to live yarn knitting. During the curious event, millions of Norwegians tuned in and were mesmerized by the clickety clack of an elderly woman spinning her needles. The end result was a bright blue sweater for a moody donkey. Such odd distractions are common for a country where alcohol consumption is so great and entertainment quality so low.
Indeed, millions of Norwegians also tuned in when NRK televised 48 hours of firewood burning this past February. One expert, Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton of Bucyrus, Missouri, speculated that it may have been an attempt to disparage American society. “Traditionally, one or two American TV stations will broadcast a Christmas fireplace laid out with stockings and the Crèche for a few hours on December 24,” Plimpton noted, “but showing this sort of thing in February makes no sense, unless it’s intended to insult Christianity and maybe even American patriotism.” Oddly enough, there was no Crèche visible in the controversial NRK broadcast (funded at great taxpayer expense).
Socialism certainly played a part in the fireplace debacle, as the country’s dedication to a leftist political system has deprived many of freedom or prosperity. Under the socialist regime, unemployment is so high that few can afford decent heating or even solidly built homes (which could explain why they were tricked into watching a fire on television…). Many are forced to live in ancient structures dating back centuries, or else trailer homes.
Norway’s inexplicable love affair with socialism and trailer homes is clearly on display in the hit television series, Lillyhammer, which one investigation summarized this way:
“The program itself is structured around Steven VanZandt, an American actor, who opens a disco club in Lillyhammer. He quickly attracts the mafia elements and several strong-armed men offer to beat rivals on his behalf. The local officials arrive wanting their bribes and a lonely Norwegian woman named Sigrid Haugli is so desperate for money she throws herself into Steven’s lap for erotic relations. In many ways, Sigrid, played by actress Marian Saastad Ottesen, is your typical lady from Norway. She is attractive but drunk with a child she barely notices. She is blindly socialist, supporting the radical, anti-Christian agenda of her federal government at every turn. Despite her beauty, she seems empty inside, as if she’s simply yearning for the healing power of Faith.” — “‘LillyHammer’ TV Show Reveals the Corrupt, Alcoholic Culture of Socialist Norway.”
News reports about Norway’s irresponsible Bastoy prison system are further complicating the nation’s respectability on the world stage. It does not seem that the country takes crime and punishment seriously by any conceivable measure. Added to this are a host of traditions (such as leaving babies alone on cold winter streets) that highlight what may be the first case of nation-wide mental illness.
Recently, the population of Norway was transfixed by what they believed were “magic spirals” in the evening sky. Many are convinced that the spirals are a secret message sent by a mythical race of creatures known as the Jötnar, whose purpose is to guide drunken Norwegians home after their nights of wild depravity, no matter how difficult it is for them to stumble through the snow and bitterly cold air.
This alcoholic mysticism can be traced back to the ascension of Jens Stoltenberg as Prime Minister. Stoltenberg, a youthful liberal activist who has admitted an addiction to video games and once had a steamy affair with a KGB agent, encouraged a “party” atmosphere among the fast-living Norwegians.
Under the prime minster’s leadership, Oslo became overrun with adults who simply refused to leave the educational system, staying enrolled in local universities well into their 40s. Most of these “students” were bent on Atheist beliefs and supported anti-American political conspiracies. It’s not uncommon to find Norwegians paranoid about the supremacy of the United States and jealous of our military’s successes in the Middle East.
Elsewhere, the once beautiful city of Trondheim became a dumping ground of “hipster” culture, crowded with flashy discos and offensive art galleries. The young women there became notorious for their topless parties and anarchist political banter.
“Global warming” panic is another common hobby among these socialists, despite much scientific evidence to the contrary. They would sacrifice a hundred jobs to save a single barren mountain top. Their obsession with nature and pagan worship comes at the very real expense of respecting Jesus Christ.
Instead of attending church, many Norwegians make a yearly fertility pilgrimage to a northern area of their country known as Jotunheimen. Here, they isolate themselves far from the eyes of normal society to drink a special liquor known as “akevitt.” Once fully intoxicated, they act out strange mating rituals few outsiders have ever witnessed. From anecdotal accounts, it’s known that much sexual copulation takes place in these cold, wild spots. The noises are terrifying enough to keep the prowling elk and wolves at bay.
Afterward, the couple will feast on marmalade and cod for days. Once fully satisfied, they make the long trip back to human society and nine months later, another dependent of the socialist state is born. As each Norwegian child is conceived in such circumstances, their hearts beat, much like the mythical Jötnar, with the haunting passion of a wild beast.
The one bright spot in the crisis of Norwegian identity was the election of Christian conservative Erna Solberg just last month as Prime Minister. Yet those hopes were quickly dashed when the female leader admitted that she is committed to such socialist programs as health care and free education. Further complicating Solberg’s status as a stable American ally are the recent revelations of her quirky personality traits. Rumors abound that she can often be seen late at night in the windows of Inkognitogata 18 dancing by herself to Lionel Richie albums. She also has one of the largest collections of pet toads in Norway.
In the end, we musk ask ourselves what America should do about the Norwegian descent into madness. Should we distance our selves from their nation-wide epidemic of mental illness? Could we intervene, like a concerned parent, and try to lead these suffering people back to health? Or have we been blind to something that has been there all along? Is it possible that Norwegians have always been a strange, artistic people with shocking and ancient customs that we have simply failed to notice?