Did the Irish Invent Gonorrhea?

Posted on by Doc Bacon
Irish pubs are a common site in international cities, but may pose serious dangers.

Irish pubs are a common site in international cities, but may pose serious dangers.

It’s a common misconception that the sexually transmitted disease Neisseria gonorrhoeae originated with the Chinese. Ancient texts from Asiatic lands describe an old curse on these exotics peoples. It entailed unusual emissions from the reproductive organs and many academics have made several leaps of logic to connect these mythical stories to modern day bacterial infections. Others blame the Greeks, and while the Greeks pioneered many forms of perversity (including sodomy), in this case they are not guilty.

In my decades working as a medical professional, I have witnessed an endless parade of vice. It is can be seen the weary eyes and trembling hands of patient after patient. Contemporary degeneracy, however, is most evident in the mouth. Cavities, gingivitis, periodontal disease, oral warts, throat cancer, the list is a long one… Those who manifest these issues often have problems with diet, liquor, marijuana or methamphetamines. Indeed, many obese alcoholics are also carriers of “the clap.”

From Mountain Goat to Village Pub

There have been recent mitochondrial discoveries that suggest gonorrhea originated with a breed of animal known as “The Old Irish Goat” or simply Irish Goat. In centuries past, the natural habitat for these hearty animals was the remote crags and bogs of the Emerald Isle. When an Irishman first came to capture these beasts, he was far removed from his village and its women. These creatures have compassionate eyes and warm, lush coats. The lonely Irishman’s natural sexual drive was misdirected in these situations and often complicated by poorly-fermented alcohol (a problem that persists in Ireland’s distilleries to this day). Thus, the disease was spread from animal to man and from man to his fellow villagers.

For many Irishman, the Irish Goat is one of the most handsome breeds on the Emerald Isle.

For many Irishmen, the Irish Goat is one of the most handsome breeds on the Emerald Isle.

The term “the clap” has a rather humorous origin. In medieval times, an Irishman, numb to the world from a night of whisky, would often clap his hands together to call his woman. As these mating calls were popularized again in the 18th and 19th centuries in pubs, there was a natural lexiconical association to gonorrhea, as these were the situations where the disease was most commonly spread.

When the Irish language was Anglicized, the phrase for clapping ones’s hands, “buail bosa” was often mumbled aloud simply as “BB,” In an Irish tongue “BB” sounds like VD, and is much easier to pronounce than “galar veinéireach.” Once the Irish began migrating abroad, their strange sexual disease and the clapping of the hands that was used to designate it, came to be known simply as “The Clap.”

Today, Irish pubs the world over are notorious for the clap. The women found in such spaces are usually loose and aggressive. They often initiate sexual banter and are prone to quick acts of intimacy in parked cars or abandoned buildings. The men are also forward in their fornication maneuvers, but their whisky consumption normally sabotages full phallic completion. This does not mean fluids aren’t exchanged, but quite often they’re the tears of a broken man weeping for his mother’s love and his father’s respect as dawn quickly approaches and the unlucky woman calculates her quickest path of escape.

If you have been sexual with a person from this part of the world recently, you may need to click here for some additional medical information.

 

About This Journalist

Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inoculate citizens against our nation’s pandemic of socialism, scientism and sexual perversion.

  • m

    WHAT THE F*** IS THIS PILE OF S***

  • girograbbinhomojunkiejock

    Oh Doc Bacon, you are truly a comic genius! Spead the love not just her legs!

  • Your Mother Was a Goat

    I would be dubious of any mitochondrial evidence originating from Prokaryotes. As mitochondrial DNA is inherited from the mother, I feel this article may be taking the common playground insult “your mother was a goat!” a little to its extreme.

  • Nigel Covington

    I’ve heard for years that the Irish enjoyed the company of goats, now I know why.

    • Stephenson_Billings

      Hi Nigel! It is so great to hear from your and to receive the support of one of America’s most famous conservative websites! God bless YOU my friend!

    • tylerregas

      So, you’re saying that Irish men had sex with goats specifically to get Gonorrhea? Wow. That IS insidious!!

  • Kaylee-Aurora

    I’m part Irish on my Father’s side and I had no idea!!!

    • tylerregas

      You had no idea because what the good Doc Bacon is suggesting is that Irishmen screwing goats magically created a sexually transmitted disease. If you believe that, then I have a tale of how gay people screwing monkeys in Africa created AIDS and a lovely, new bridge for sale you might want to take a look at.

      • Jeordee

        tylerregas

        This article seems to be based in fact and how else was AIDS created if not from Monkeys? Its a sad fact of life that some perversions affect others in much greater ways then the perverts imagine.

        Im sure that when Gay men were fooling around with Monkeys they never realised the terrible plague they were unleashing upon themselves.

        Theres no place for a Penis in nature.

        • tylerregas

          Of course there is! It’s how men aim their urine streams. Besides, if it’s betwixt our legs, God put it there!

        • tylerregas

          BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You said it, man! There IS no place for the penis in nature!!! Just think. Once we get rid of the blight that is sex, the blight that is humanity will soon be extinct? YAY!!

  • Albert Toppers

    In my day and age, “clapping” was reserved for the church choir during a good old-fashioned holy jubilee. It’s quite sad that the Irelands have turned a word associated with praise to such perversion. I will add the Irelands to my prayer list.

    • tylerregas

      Are you serious? BTW, they’re called “The Irish”, not the irelands. Feh.

    • Michael Timmons

      no way this guy is serious lol

  • Mat Sallah

    The Irish genetically modified(with the help of God) there cock size to be extra large and to reload quickly.
    This means that we can easily infect as mainly virginal innocent virtuous American Belles as possible & as quickly as possible.
    Careful now, you all have Catholic ginger babies with the clap pre loaded!

    • Herris_Hopin

      I’m ginger and a bit Irish. Do I have gonorrhea?

      • JunoB

        Yes. Yes, you do.

  • hippocrates

    You’re a fucking dentist. A retired dentist. How are you even qualified to write about epidemiology?

  • Blanche Beecham

    Don’t let that Riverdance clicketity-clackering get in the way of common sense people!

    • Stephenson_Billings

      I went to see one of those performances once when the Irish boys came to Nashville. Far too sexual for my tastes to be honest.

      • Blanche Beecham

        I don’t think it is too off color for a man to wear a slightly elevated heel. It can be attractive. I’m thinking of buying Mister a pair of Florsheim zip-up Ankle boots for Christmas. He loves hiking around the neighborhood and these might be pretty jazzy. I’m looking at a style called “Duke” in a rich Cordorbian brown.

  • Someone needs a Psychiatrist

    Is the guy who writes all this stuff mental handicapped in some way?

  • Kelsea

    I have literally found the most MENTAL website out there. You lot need to get lives, lying cunts.

  • Larry Fleisher

    i am a bit late to the discussion, but maybe the goats were better looking than some of the irish lasses or the irishmen were so ugly that only the goats would accept them but, only if they did not have to kiss them.

  • Matt

    For the love of my Irish goat porking ancestors, tell me that is satire. My brain can’t take anyone this ignorant. VD is a mistranslation of a Gaelic abbreviation? That’s like an m knight shamalan ending: the monster was a bunch of loud squirrels and the Irish created vinerial disease, *spooky ghost noises*.

  • AwakeSoul

    Dr. where are you getting your info? Greeks “invented” anal sex? Hardly. Look at any zoo at the primates who are 98% genetically the same as we, look at the cro-magnons and Nethandrals and tell me that our Ancestors did not have sex in many positions FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME.Even the apes do it, spontaneously.You actually think Irish are more promiscuouse and drunk?And fornacating with goats? You need to check your “wisdom teeth” real quick ’cause you’re missing some wisdom….

  • Dave Revelle

    Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician
    who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare
    fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inculcate citizens in our
    nation’s pandemic of tosh, twattery, balderdash, pummirod and recto-cranial conjunctions

  • Dan

    This has been enlightening but doesn’t top Dr. Plimpton’s last nugget of news.
    He stated emphatically and loudly that the great nation of Italy was first populated by the offspring of Greek males and female goats. He stated that is one of the reasons that Greeks and Italians are so hairy. Sounds about right doesn’t it?

  • YOUR A MORON

    your a doctor? explain how swine flu came into humans? were the mexicans having sex with pigs? Your an idiot! Virus’s and infections do something called MUTATE! google it! they change their antigens and collect abilities from other virus’s that transfer over and they can infect new species through different strains. Irish had sex with goats, go get checked out cause i think your mental, thank god your retired and now treating anyone now cause I’d be worried about them. I bet your cure for everything is LEECHES!

  • Anonamo

    LOL! You guys are REALLY hilarious! This site is almost up to the quality of The Onion! Keep up the good work people, you’re doing a GREAT job lambasting the conservative dumbies who really believe this type of thing.

    But in the off chance you guys are totally serious, and I genuinely doubt that’s the case, then you’re doing a really awesome job lambasting yourselves!!! I’m just afraid that if you do too good of a job I might not have that future job in satire I want…

  • LindylouGolightly

    As the Good Book says: Your sin will find you out.

  • LindylouGolightly

    This is yet another plague that sinners have brought upon themselves.

  • a

    Great article.

  • Michael Timmons

    oh come on, if they had invented it, then why didn’t they copyright it?

  • jimbillybob

    youve got it wrong the irish invented whiskey, potatos peat,

  • Luther Blisset

    Please, please tell me this is a joke website run by trendy types in San Francisco. This cannot be real. How did I end up here? Man! Insomnia and the internet, a heady mix.

  • Karrie22

    This article is unsubstantiated, ethnocentric, EGOcentric, arrogant, prejudiced and poorly written to boot! Oh, yeah, where is the proof for his claims?
    Examples:
    ” …on these exotics peoples” -What?
    “Those who manifest these issues often have problems with diet, liquor, marijuana or methamphetamines. Indeed, many obese alcoholics are also carriers of “the clap.””
    EGOcentric, arrogant, prejudiced TROLL! Where is he getting his stats for this?
    ” Today, Irish pubs the world over are notorious for the clap. The women found in such spaces are usually loose and aggressive. They often initiate sexual banter and are prone to quick acts of intimacy in parked cars or abandoned buildings…”
    Again, WHAT? let’s just tie a few unsubstantiated “facts” to voice an unsubstantiated, ethnocentric opinion! TROLL!

    Plus, every one knows that “the clap” originated in England with English sheep! (Just kidding. I am just making a point! )