The Titans were playing this weekend and that meant the husband wanted me out of the house so I ended up at Kroger’s after finishing a long list of chores.
It was a beautiful day in Knoxville. I had to smile driving on Broadway because the police had done their jobs for once and rounded up those nasty homeless who harass you at the intersection.
The market wasn’t crowded and my hair looked fantastic. I found myself wandering down the dessert aisle when something really strange, really obscene hit me.
Sea salt caramel! Sea salt caramel everywhere!
We all know the elite hate us. We know they’re trying to undermine Christian Americans because we’re the last linchpin of true freedom left in this country.
That’s why Donald J. Trump had no choice but to blow the lid off the Clinton Foundation conspiracy. In doing so, he showed us that Hillary’s biggest financiers are the very elite of the global elite. These are the same people who introduce all the so-called fads that they want consumers to follow. Crocs, cronuts, Pokémon Go, ice bucket challenges, hippie chic and “Keep Calm and Carry On”!
Wake up! None of those things were a coincidence!
Now the corporate media and their handlers in the Illuminati are hitting us over the head with the ridiculous “sea salt caramel” trend. First of all, the chocolate tastes like garbage. It’s disgusting to look at. The harsh darkness of it stinks of the jungle (no wonder the monkeys like it!). It’s too gooey and those gritty salt crystals are just so upsetting!
My husband thinks he’s pretty much a genius for bringing a tub of this ice cream abomination into our home. He had been out past 8:30 with that trashy Mona from work and came stumbling in, bragging about how delicious it was.
I nearly stuck a steak knife into that stupid face of his.
Would it surprise you to learn that all that sodium is a contributing factor to the over consumption of alcoholic beverages?
Doing a little research, I discovered that sea salt caramel is a big city trend that originated all the way over in Europe. I don’t know about you, but socialism and sexual promiscuity are the first two things that come to my mind when I think of that distant dumpster of decadence.
Here on the homefront, it was none other than Barack Hussein Obama himself who promoted this barbaric obsession to countless Americans. And it was Hillary who secretly introduced the dessert fad to our “president.” Birds of a feather, people!
All of this makes perfect sense when you consider that sea salt caramel is unnecessarily rich and expensive. It’s not even something you can buy a jar of and keep in your pantry, like cocoa or peanut butter. So there’s no homemade discount way to get around it. That definitely made me suspicious!
The more I thought about it, the more it became clear that this is yet another attempt to disrupt the Christian family’s most sacred traditions and enslave us to the Rothschild’s Federal Reserve through personal bankruptcy. Like Hillary’s crimes in Libya, Iraq, Scotland, Syria, Washington and Arkansas, the sea salt caramel trend certainly fits into the Illuminati elite’s pattern of evil recklessness.
So at Kroger’s that day, seeing shelf after shelf of sea salt caramel products really pushed me over the edge. Why is Hillary always trying to shove her Cultural Marxism right in my face? I’m sorry (not sorry) her marriage is a mess, but that’s no reason to wreck mine!
I rushed home to find my husband sprawled out the couch. Lo and behold, trampy Mona was seated right beside him, in knee high boots, jean shorts and a tight Titans jersey.
“I was in the neighborhood,” she chirped at me and I wanted to slap her dumb, fat breasts since they were taking up half of the room.
She twirled a spoonful of that gross brown ice cream at me like she was a mugger brandishing a knife in an ethnic ghetto. The pint of sea salt was conveniently nestled in my husband’s crotch and it looked like she had been digging into it all afternoon.
“You filthy, filthy little whore!” I wanted to scream! And then stab her repeatedly!
But I didn’t do that. I’m too good of a person. Instead, I locked myself in the basement and silently cheered when the Texans won and I could hear her cheap hooker boots clomp to the front door.
I’ve always thought my husband is too dumb to have an affair since he’s too dumb to even read my writing here and maybe he just can’t see what a disgusting slut that Mona is, waving her giant bosom around my home like that!
I tried to tell him this before his post-game shower, but he waved me off and in the kitchen there was a brand new list of chores for me, but even now, days later, it’s hard for me to concentrate on cleaning the basement or organizing the garage when all I can think about is Hillary’s vile sea salt caramel agenda and how Trump is the only one who truly cares enough about my marriage to speak the truth! God bless you, kind sir!