Barack Hussein Obama’s eight-year assault on the American calendar is finally over, thanks to President Donald J. Trump.
In one of our beloved president’s first executive orders, Trump has struck the sixth of May from all official records. Many will recall that the date has been claimed as “Cinco De Mayo” by members of the radical Latino underground. With our borders overwhelmed by illegal aliens, White House officials saw this as unpatriotic.
Its raunchy indulgence is also an insult to our nation’s sacred Christian values, according to Biblical scholar Bill Donohue.
The outrageous holiday is celebrated with mass quantities of alcohol, marijuana and street foods. Loud, thumping music is regularly featured. Scantily-clad women are also a common sight. Experts have noted that all of these elements have communist overtones, associated with Cuba’s former strongman Fidel Castro.
To put this disturbing ethnic tragedy behind us, President Trump has cancelled all Cinco de Mayo festivities across America. He has directed the White House staff and the Department of Education to delete the sixth of May from official calendars as well.
Public agencies and private companies will not be able to grant this day off from work, since it will no longer officially exist. From 2017 onward, Federal calendars will go from the Fifth of May directly to the Seventh.
An additional day will be added to America’s year at some later point in time, Kellyanne Conway clarified in a follow-up interview with Bret Baier of Fox News. “You trippin’ if you think cruising the Grand Concourse in your bikini top, smoking dank blunts with some bodybuilder named Juan Carlos is making America great again,” Conway noted.