Are You Not Having Enough Sex Because of Chemtrails?

Posted on by Doc Bacon
Is your love life

Are chemtrails making you feel like less than a man?

Stressed out on the job? Overworked at home? Are the obligations of kids and in-laws driving you crazy? These are just a few of the reasons why intimacy can suffer in a marriage. Scientific studies show that husband-wife teams are copulating dramatically less than their counterparts 50 years ago.

Now we can add environmental factors to the long list of problems frustrating the healthy exercise of the libido. It is estimated that nearly 67% of the human population is currently being exposed to harmful manmade contaminants, whether they be from genetically-modified foods, water fluoridation and even atmospheric geoengineering.

One of the most controversial aspects of atmospheric manipulation is done by airplanes through controlled spraying over population centers. These toxins are known as chemtrails, and can cause a wide variety of symptoms. While the exact chemical make-up of chemtrails is up for debate, many doctors have noticed a dramatic increase in skin rashes, lethargy and decreased sexual activity in their patients.

For patients who are particularly tuned in to the chemtrail crisis, the anxiety that results from this knowledge can also contribute to erectile dysfunction. This is often compounded by an unhealthful diet of sweets and carbs. Excessive masturbation is yet another problematic facet of the chemtrail aware. Taken altogether, this poses unique problems for young couples today.

TEN SIMPLE TIPS TO GET YOUR LOVE LIFE BACK ON TRACK

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Don’t let harmful aerial toxins deflate your excitement in the sack!

1. Put onions in your socks overnight to remove body toxins.

2. Avoid outdoor exposure to heavy chemtrail spray areas, such as airports and major cities.

3. Keep away from felines, as they may contain contaminants similar to chemtrails.

4. Try intimacy in a below ground space, such as a basement, where chemtrail particulate matter levels are far lower. 

5. Refrain from masturbation and fatty foods.

6. Spray vingear on your bedsheets and rub the phallus with peeled garlic cloves.

7. Homeopathic blood strengtheners like EnvioShield or ChemBusters can supercharge your immune system for those nights when you don’t want chemtrails to keep you down!

8. Join a Facebook group! Every little bit of outrage helps and together we can STOP the chemtrail crisis!

9. Be honest and vocal about your chemtrail status! And ask that your partner be the same!

10. Speciality shops will soon be offering custom-made outerwear specifically calibrated to protect you from the deadly effects of geoengineering so stay tuned!

Chemtrails are an incredibly vile conspiracy to weaken the human race from within. This fits into the larger New World Order goal of depopulating our planet to make room for the 1% and/or an extraterrestrial species. The information we share with you today is secret knowledge because the global elite will fight very hard to suppress this truth. We can fight back by sharing these insights far and wide and letting the Illuminati know we are not going to be bullied by their chemtrails!

 

About This Journalist

Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton, DDS and BOHDSc, is a retired physician who spent decades fighting on the frontlines of America’s healthcare fiasco. Today, he uses his journalism to inoculate citizens against our nation’s pandemic of socialism, scientism and sexual perversion.

  • Hamish

    At last, an unsensational and truthful guide on how to deal with the biggest threat facing humanity. Thank you for keeping the spotlight focused on this barely recognized crisis. Wake up people!

  • Henna

    Its hard to find a doctor who can treat for this. Last time I gave my GP some different documents that I downloaded and he would not even look at them but I still got the water gain and I just have the hardest time getting up in the morning.

    • Dr. Arthur Bacon Plimpton

      Most medical officers are afraid of biting the hand that feeds them, i.e. Obamacare, so they’re now devoted to whatever whims the prez has about health care. The guy is not a doctor and he should NOT be making these decisions! At some point Congress just has to outlaw this farce and return our health care system back to normal. Family doctors will be going out of business iwith this socialiism in the next two or three years I guarantee it.

      • Will

        If you actually have a license it should be revoked. This is absolute hogwash. The farce is you.

      • Rhett J D.

        Your no doctor where did you get your degree idiots are us….

        • Abba Scodilli

          Cracker-Jack boxtops… And probly from some General Mills cereals as well.

  • Darkest Trance

    I’m definately going to put onions in my socks!

    • tMod

      This definitely works. Try turnips and scallions too, that has worked for me.

      • SwanSongRebeL

        I did, my feet smell glorious!

      • Rhett J D.

        Onions in your socks does nothing

        • tMod

          Sir, have you tried it? Because if not, you have no basis to make this statement.

          • Swan Rebel

            It worked for me.

        • Swan Rebel

          You have to try the red onions. They got my socks rocking.

  • BP

    I cannot see if it is a satirical article like those of TheOnion or some serious research…

    If it is the latter, then I would like some facts/research sources done by scientists. The leaders of the World cannot even agree on basic simple things; how would they be able to put together and implement a long term campaign like the one you describe?

    Also, you blame chemtrails for lethargy but what is the role of TV and morosity in boring day-to-day lives of workers with no expectations?

    • Hand Some

      It’s like a really crappy version of the Onion written for liberal
      gays. Note the very gay header. To the extent that your average redneck
      doesn’t get the joke it is pretty funny. Ironically, Geoengineering
      really is happening in Northern California where the most concentrated
      gay population on Earth is. So why not make a joke out of it? Who’s cares about their medical issues?

      Hey wait, maybe this really is written by rednecks that wants gays laughing all the way to the morgue… hmmm.

  • Swordmage Sal

    Thanks for the advice this really means a lot to me. I have
    been very active in the alt news community for about 3 years and have made many
    friends online mostly male though. I got very confused why I could not meet
    girls around and at my university they are always drooling on the jock rich
    kids but this explains a lot and maybe if more people woke up specialy the
    girls I could get over this sexual difficulty. It really is not fair when it
    comes right down to it.

  • Vince Farrell

    Chemtrails? You need some seriously psychological counseling. But I really pity the fools and desperate people that might actually believe this BS

  • Dean

    I can’t tell if you are joking or not

    • tMod

      That is the best thing about this site. Took me awhile too. This site is brilliant.

  • Blanche Beecham

    Why is Doc Bacon not on Dr Oz? “Be honest and vocal about your chemtrail status! And ask that your partner be the same!” This statement alone can save millions of marriages!

    So many couples suffer from a marriage killing form of “pushing rope”; less than al dente noodles or limpiness as many doctors and nurses say, all because of one or both partners hiding chemtrail information. Don’t suffer in silence!

    • Stephenson_Billings

      Very interesting point… I’d love to see Dr Oz do a special on Chemtrails.

    • Rhett J D.

      Are you serious

      • Abba Scodilli

        They sure are! Scary is it not?

  • Sabrina G

    Wow thanks doctor! Now that I’ve moved my room into the basement of my house and it smells like a bad italian restaurant things are much sexier.

  • tMod

    Oooh, I can’t wait to talk my wife into coming down to the dank, smelly, dirty basement for some awkward, dutiful marital sex. Thanks Harddawn!

  • Rhett J D.

    Wow again really is this for real lol…

  • outrightfield

    Chemtrails or not, I have plenty of sex.

    • SwanSongRebeL

      One two

      • outrightfield

        Huh ?

        • SwanSongRebeL

          Haven’t a clue how that got there! Or what it means, perhaps I was using Disqus in my sleep! One two buckle my shoe?
          Apologies..