Is the Clothing Brand Uniqlo Dressing America Up for Our Future Robot Overlords?

Posted on by Henricus Institor
The designer of choice for AIs everywhere.

The designer of choice for AIs everywhere.

The big city success of Uniqlo has left many Americans confused and angry. The clothes are just too trim for a traditional heartland diet. They hug at your sides, they strangle your neck. There’s an unsettling simplicity about them. Unlike Ed Hardy or Victoria’s Secret, the apparel simply lacks the flash and thunder that consumers expect from their high-end retailers.

It’s clear that this foreign label really doesn’t belong in our local malls, yet they’re marching on the homefront nonetheless.

Adding more fuel to the controversy, Uniqlo has been secretly using its market share to impede the fast fashion trend currently keeping our national retail industry afloat. They’re releasing their lines with increasingly conformity and decreasing frequency.

Using the probability framework for block maxima distribution, statisticians theorize that if Uniqlo continues on this track, clothing innovation will completely cease by the year 2025, at which point the ready-to-wear environment will achieve a peak modernity utterly devoid of embellishment.

That means no graphic tees! No flared collars, no fluorescent colors and no interlaced stripe schemes! Out with the visible stitching! American pride prints and flag apparel will be consigned to the dustbin of history! Microbags, animal skins, stonewash, all will be banished! Forever 21 nevermore! 

2025 also happens to be the year that Bill Gates predicts robots will finally outnumber humans. This terrifying turn of events is something that has been prophesied through countless Illuminati propaganda vehicles. From 2001: A Space Odyssey to Wall-E, we have been warned to prepare for the coming technological onslaught.

The shocking coincidence of these two dates makes complete sense once we connect the dots and ask, how will the Terminator class want us humans slaves to dress when we’ve been completely subjugated in their faithless dystopia of a borderless United Nations-style dictator state?

Our only hope for humanity's salvation?

Our only hope for humanity’s salvation?

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has argued that artificial intelligence will one day view mankind as a minor distraction, almost like owning a farm animal. In that regard, the impressive urban streetwear style of Hardy and his ilk will be out. Pizzazz and class won’t compute in their logic-addled brains. No, they’ll demand some surreal interpretation of modernity, mass produced and durable, yet traditional and confining. Precisely what Uniqlo is forcing on the American consumer!

So say goodbye to the American freedom to eat what and when we want in a XXL t-shirt that proclaims our patriotism! We’ll either have to trim down for those monochromatic Uniqlo button collar polos and never-changing hoodies or be marched to the ovens that fuel our techno-masters’ insatiable globalist processors!

Despite all these horribly obvious warning signs, Uniqlo has developed a cult of followers amongst the intelligentsia of New York and Los Angeles. These “useful idiots” claim it’s about the pricepoint. Or maybe it’s the imported cottons. Challenge them on this issue, and they’ll fumble for an answer.

The truth is that this is yet another fad that urban imbeciles have taken up without grasping the implications. Just as Stalin lured Western university professors into supporting communism, Uniqlo is using America’s “in crowd” to open the door to our future robotic overlords. So save your Ed Hardy shirts, and cherish them tight against your full-bodied bosoms, for they may one day be America’s only salvation!


About This Journalist

Henricus Institor is the “nom de plume” of a former Internet hacktivist and high ranking member of the atheist radical elite. Yet even there, amongst the most dangerous liberals in the world, he could not hide from God’s Calling. He was reborn in the Blood of Christ in 2011 and today “Henricus Institor” serves as’s foremost expert on secret left wing agendas and global power conspiracies.

  • Cassidy Pen

    Just one gander at reveals everything discussed in this article from the lack of imagination of the consumer to the huge masses of cheap materials needed to cover their tremendous girth. Sadly, many of those superstore patrons ignore the need to do the latter.

  • Blanche Beecham

    The trend for AI clothing may be driven by Japanese companies like Uniqlo, but the shape of those AI is driven by vegan pregancies and a perverse sense of beauty standards that leads many women to remove some ribs to look slimmer.

    Like many other parents with young daughters, I am flummoxed by the tiny shoulders of today’s young man. Sure we are tricked into thinking the gmo Phelps experiment is just nature, but the truth is something much more wimpy looking. A lack of good diet during pregnancy is one reason. Women for the past twenty years or so have been foregoing conventional wisdom and subjecting their unborn children to kale, no alcohol and a strict vegan diet. Let’s remember that a robust diet and even smoking! delivered a generation that built a rocket and put a man on the moon before the Ruskies. Let’s make America Great Again and send these narrow shouldered girls back to school!

    • Cassidy Pen

      Blanche, you have such a unique and wholesome view of culture and fashion sense. It’s truly a pleasure to read your thoughts and perspective. I too have become completely disgusted with fat shaming a lady or metrosexual that has an inch of pudge for no other reason than to sell some skimpy ensemble and diet fad.

  • Fashion Sense

    TED Talks based off of Ed Hardy’s old weekly company meetings, Ed talks. Yet he never saw a dime! Keep the liberals off the stage and on their medicine!