The big city success of Uniqlo has left many Americans confused and angry. The clothes are just too trim for a traditional heartland diet. They hug at your sides, they strangle your neck. There’s an unsettling simplicity about them. Unlike Ed Hardy or Victoria’s Secret, the apparel simply lacks the flash and thunder that consumers expect from their high-end retailers.
It’s clear that this foreign label really doesn’t belong in our local malls, yet they’re marching on the homefront nonetheless.
Adding more fuel to the controversy, Uniqlo has been secretly using its market share to impede the fast fashion trend currently keeping our national retail industry afloat. They’re releasing their lines with increasingly conformity and decreasing frequency.
Using the probability framework for block maxima distribution, statisticians theorize that if Uniqlo continues on this track, clothing innovation will completely cease by the year 2025, at which point the ready-to-wear environment will achieve a peak modernity utterly devoid of embellishment.
That means no graphic tees! No flared collars, no fluorescent colors and no interlaced stripe schemes! Out with the visible stitching! American pride prints and flag apparel will be consigned to the dustbin of history! Microbags, animal skins, stonewash, all will be banished! Forever 21 nevermore!
2025 also happens to be the year that Bill Gates predicts robots will finally outnumber humans. This terrifying turn of events is something that has been prophesied through countless Illuminati propaganda vehicles. From 2001: A Space Odyssey to Wall-E, we have been warned to prepare for the coming technological onslaught.
The shocking coincidence of these two dates makes complete sense once we connect the dots and ask, how will the Terminator class want us humans slaves to dress when we’ve been completely subjugated in their faithless dystopia of a borderless United Nations-style dictator state?
Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has argued that artificial intelligence will one day view mankind as a minor distraction, almost like owning a farm animal. In that regard, the impressive urban streetwear style of Hardy and his ilk will be out. Pizzazz and class won’t compute in their logic-addled brains. No, they’ll demand some surreal interpretation of modernity, mass produced and durable, yet traditional and confining. Precisely what Uniqlo is forcing on the American consumer!
So say goodbye to the American freedom to eat what and when we want in a XXL t-shirt that proclaims our patriotism! We’ll either have to trim down for those monochromatic Uniqlo button collar polos and never-changing hoodies or be marched to the ovens that fuel our techno-masters’ insatiable globalist processors!
Despite all these horribly obvious warning signs, Uniqlo has developed a cult of followers amongst the intelligentsia of New York and Los Angeles. These “useful idiots” claim it’s about the pricepoint. Or maybe it’s the imported cottons. Challenge them on this issue, and they’ll fumble for an answer.
The truth is that this is yet another fad that urban imbeciles have taken up without grasping the implications. Just as Stalin lured Western university professors into supporting communism, Uniqlo is using America’s “in crowd” to open the door to our future robotic overlords. So save your Ed Hardy shirts, and cherish them tight against your full-bodied bosoms, for they may one day be America’s only salvation!