Pence Promises Homosexual-Only FEMA Camps Will Be Tasteful, Rustic, “Like Bear Week in Provincetown”

Posted on by Stephenson Billings

V.P. Pence is a self-professed expert on the hardcore gay underground scene.

Vice President Mike Pence announced on Tuesday that he would work closely with the radical homosexual subculture on the White House’s evolving civil rights agenda. Attempting to allay fears from the extremist left, the V.P. has promised to make the administration’s new FEMA camps both “inclusive and accommodating.”

The move comes after liberal activists began gearing up for a new round of street protests.

Pence’s plans, which have not been previously leaked to the public, include an exclusive tier of “homosexual-only” detention camps with limited availability.

The Vice President has tasked the finest designers from the Army Corps of Engineers to conjure up a whimsical fantasy, like a “sleepaway camp from yesteryear on a Buchenwald diet,” according to one insider.

FEMA’s “Premium Pink” collection will be situated in remote locales to insure the utmost privacy of guests. They will feature simple wooden structures with artisanal ventilation and locally-sourced dirt floors. Some accommodations will have views of the mandatory recreation yards, while others will be romantically tucked away amongst the pine trees and torture dungeons.

Privileged patrons will have the opportunity to join a “sweaty and shirtless” chain gang down in the quarry. Others can earn up to 13 cents an hour sewing fabulous garments for a new “Made in America” line of Lycra leisurewear produced by Ivanka Trump Industries, LLC.

Pence ambitiously seeks to redefine what “gay camp” means in America.

At night, activities will range from patriotic sing-a-longs to public floggings. An elite “Selection and Shower” event will be held once a week, by invitation only.

FEMA clients will be able to earn extra Camp Trump Reward Points™ for informing on their peers, denouncing Hillary Clinton or wrestling in the nude for a private health study that the Vice President’s office is conducting.

In a statement, Mr. Pence boldly announced, “I’d like to extend a special invitation to all of our nation’s hardcore homosexuals, from our sassiest twinks to our hairiest bears, from our roughest leather daddies to our bossiest power bottoms, our art fags, gaymers, Boricua boys, booty thugs, 12-inch gangbangers and Asian jocks, Grinder manwhores all, to come and experience these fabulous additions to America’s cutting edge portfolio of unique detention properties!”

“Twins a +++!” the Vice President added.

Some critics aren’t so easily convinced, however. Duke Espezito, Mr. Leather 1998, noted, “It actually sounds a bit more tasteful than bear week in P’town, but with the same amount of fisting.”