Contact Walmart And Tell Them 1000-Thread Count Sheets Disrespect Traditional Marriage

Posted on by Kaylee-Aurora

freestockRetailers are pushing new lines of high-end bed sheets that are full of illicit innuendos, implications or encounters for married heterosexual couples.

There is concern about how these types of linens promote the hardcore homosexual agenda, but an even greater worry is the way they are attempting to redefine “family” and “real marriage.” They are supported in these efforts by subversive marketing campaigns that emasculate men and glorify unnatural sexual choices. While we should all support American-owned manufacturers employing hardworking citizens, we should not allow them to thrust a gay-inclusive lifestyle choice directly into the bedrooms of normal, happily married couples.

A recent visit to the Knoxville Walmart Supercenter highlighted the urgency of this issue. My husband was immediately drawn to a sleek package of bed wear and mentioned that he had read articles in the mainstream media about how thread count was important for comfort. Against this writer’s better judgment, he was allowed to purchase these overpriced items.

The sheets in question are made of “Egyptian Cotton,” which many will take offense at considering that the United States has been known as king of the world’s cotton production for over 400 years. The “Egyptian” element also suggests something exotic and erotic, bringing to mind the Muslim steam baths where naked, dark-skinned men rub each other down with “essential oils.” Furthermore, these linens come in a “Sateen Finish,” which is a type of slippery silk that makes it too easy to slide about at all hours. In person, it’s clear that this type of shiny finish was intended for the likes of the Playboy Mansion and not a Tennessee church community.

Finally, we should point out that the homosexual term “simple luxury” is featured prominently on this packaging. Luxury should be fulfilling and elaborate, not basic. In fact, “simplicity” has long been code for the cold emptiness of modernism, something celebrated by European designers who are more prone to socialism and sodomy than family values. We should also note that elite homosexual designers Nate Berkus and Thom Filicia both have bed sheet collections that feature just this type of “simple luxury.”

WALMART2

Walmart’s Refusal to Remain Neutral in the Culture War
Many couples will find that Walmart’s 1000-thread count sheets threaten the sanctity of the marriage bed. The sensual daintiness of this product encourages an effeminate appreciation of the male body. You might catch your husband draping himself in the flat sheet and staring into a mirror like a cross-dresser waiting to belt out “Diva’s Lament” on a cabaret stage in some ethnic neighborhood. The slick sateen can also lead to nudity, as some men find that the silken feeling excites their intimate areas. This can become a complicated issue for couples, particularly when you awaken at 5am to discover your partner tugging himself in a way that reminds a wife of her barren prospects as you’ve both lately given up the pretense of not thoroughly hating each other.

Ultimately, the experience with so-called luxury bedding does little to address the destructive reality of marriage in our “politically correct” times. It does nothing to reduce the eruptions of odor and noise that one must endure each night. It will not resolve any reproductive tensions but rather promotes the dishonesty of self-abuse. It brings the daily misery of cohabitation into sharp focus. Indeed, sateen stains easily as evidenced by the dried, dark puddle marks he leaves behind due to his numerous nocturnal visits to the bathroom. Those rustlings, along with the noise of your overly “urban” suburban street and the bile that burns through your chest when you consider how many decades you’ll have to wait before a heart attack or drunk driving accident obligingly rips that foul mass away, will prevent you from truly experiencing a decent night’s sleep in those cursed 1000-thread count sheets without the aid of an Ambien and a glass of chardonnay.

TAKE ACTION: Contact Walmart’s corporate headquarters and the Walton family directly and let them know you will boycott their bedding until decisive action is taken on this crucial issue. In the meantime, steer clear of Walmart’s linen aisle and encourage others to do the same so your family can avoid any premature conversations about subjects that they simply won’t understand.

  • Savanah Gray

    I’m not sure if the author is a feminist that hates it when men receive pleasure, or an insane conservative Nazi terrified of the homosexual male!

    • Cassidy Pen

      Savannah, are you a gay man that likes giving pleasure to other men?

      • Savanah Gray

        Hahahah no. I was showing my appreciation for good satire. Good satire makes it difficult to decipher the actual stance of the author. It was well done! A contemporary reminder of the greats. Like Jonathan Swift and “A Modest Proposal”…also far less harrowing to be sure 🙂

        • Blanche Beecham

          You seem like someone with a great sense of humor, if you have the opportunity to explain why something is funny.

          • Kaylee-Aurora

            Rim shot!

        • kpwn

          In the Stall on the Right side, in the Right Light, there is no sweeter poetry than a Wide Stanza! en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Craig_scandal

  • Rhonda Pound

    Thank Jesus for Kaylee. She speaks TRUTH. Rhonda Pound–OUT

  • Blanche Beecham

    Kaylee, this should be an essential read for all brides to be or young couples thinking of making a home together. You have outdone yourself.

    Since Mr. Beecham disappeared last year, I’ve found a new appreciation for simple luxury. I have been drawn into the world of “spa” treats, another radical hardcore homosexual codeword used to program single heterosexuals like myself to the guileless gay lifestyle. Of course I haven’t been swayed, but I have slept cross-ways on my queen sized bed, enjoying the ability to switch from cozy warmth to cool crisp areas of sheets within seconds, without some hairy piece of beef jerky blocking my path. Kaylee, if you have the opportunity to try this, don’t! I’ve also indulged in linen sheets, buckwheat filled pillows, lavender essential diffusers, seascape sound machines and delicate perfumes for the pillows all of which delight the senses with “spa” like slumber. If Mr. Beecham were still around I would be sleeping/sulking on a fine sliver of bed each night, upon thin sheets with stains of forgotten origin and rips from untrimmed toenails. To be happily married is to be martyred, uncomfortable and without “spa” anything let alone “simple luxury”.

    • Cassidy Pen

      I had me one of them corinth cloth or poly what for sheets when I was a young lad. It snagged me ingrown toenail something dreadful. I’ll be darned if it didn’t rip my baby toenail clean off

      • Kaylee-Aurora

        My husband has this superstution that his toenails hardly grow. I feel like I’m sleeping with a vulture most nights. The guy is a monster.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Buckwheat? That sounds sort of hippie to me… I just have the nice florals my mother bought me and they work fine considering we got a budget and should not have really spent on those fancy silk ones. I’m still angry over the whole thing!

    • Joe Joseph

      Time for you to try on a pair of Birkenstock’s, stop shaving your legs, get 5 cats, and diddle your cliddle as you watch Ellen. Then maybe one day you can go on over to Whole Foods and you will see some sexy bull with a mullet and say hello to her. Then Bam, 24 hours later the U-haul will be in your drive way waiting to be unpacked while you are upstairs having scissor fest.

      • Blanche Beecham

        I didn’t understand any of that jiber-jabbering yakky-yak. I am a married woman, waiting for my husband to return from disappearing in Thailand.

        • Joe Joseph

          Well let me break it down for you Jezebel. I called you a Lesbian…

          • Blanche Beecham

            hey, Hey HEY! You can’t talk to ME like that, JJ or JOe-hOle or whatever your handle is, you hipster mouth person. I have three cats, NOT FIVE, so you are wrong on that count. Also I am 187 miles from the nearest Hole Foods, where I guess you dine regularly or at least get your groceries. Also I don’t believe in Ellen Degenerate or Oprah or even know where I put my scissors.

  • Figjam_US

    OMG, this is hilarious stuff.

  • Anatoly Zackov

    This dispicable phenomenon, is blatant illuminati effrontery. They hide their sodomite, agenda in plain sight. Or in this case in sateen sheets. Sateen, is a really a tool of Satan. Enthralling men with pleasure, and beguiling them away from their calling to take up a cross, and endure righteous suffering.

    • S Rebecca

      Do you have any opinions on the Muslin issue? 🙂

      • Anatoly Zackov

        If memory serves, Muslin was the 12th century creation of Sultan, Abdul AL Fahj Pakhar, items like rugs were sold in the Mediterranean to European traderstyle to sell back home. It’s purpose, much like Egyptian Cotton, was to lure young pesant girls, and boys, to a life of sensual oriental debauchery. Upon arriving, these hapless youth would be enslaved by oriental sodomites. It’s not surprising, during the reign of the Muslim, homosexual, Marxist, Obama, that you see a return of these abominations. They are to be pushed on the unsupecting free citizens.

      • kpwn

        The Muslin tissue has a very crude weave. Seamen fall through like a sieve! American sheets make a smoother sale.
        /s

        • S Rebecca

          Yes, the Muslin issue does have a crude weave, but as I recall, large swaths and bolts of marauding Muslin bobbin up and down upon the high seas did catch up many of our sailors of old…an event known as the Burburry Pirate Wars. The war that followed saw the creation of the United States (Army) and Navy (Store); it is why the naval hymn has the phrase “To the shores of Taffeta”

  • Rhonda Pound

    My personal sheets are 600 count, I won’t lie. ON them ever again. RHONDA POUND–Out.

  • Rhonda Pound

    Wal-Mart is a skank dump anyway. Maybe I’m the only one who notices. I just go there to pass out my pamphlets. RP out

    • kpwn

      K-mart pamphlets?

  • S Rebecca

    I want to hear this writers review of 666 Thread Count Sheets.

  • Cassidy Pen

    It pains me to remind all that in these end times, the bible is pushed aside for earthly whim. Weep for the children raised in this modern gomorrah.

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Mr Pen gets it and gets it good!

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    You know Walmart has joined the dark side when you visit the lightbulb aisle. Rows and rows of tree hugger LED’s and not an incandescent buib in sight.

    • kpwn

      My lawyers are already on this, folks. We have found over 20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 moths who are joining our class-action suit. This is going to be hyuuuuuuuge.
      America is going to be great again, let me tell you.

  • Shayna

    Is this a parody website like The Onion?

    • kpwn

      or vice versa? or both?

  • Joe Joseph

    The simple luxury of these sheets is so very clear to me now. As my lovers tumescence enters my brownstone nether mouth, the sweet velvet finish of the soft sateen will provide the stimulus I ache for as my bucking hips force my manhood into frottage against the sturdy fibers of the Egyptian cotton causing my release of that in which I am being flooded with. I guess Im going to WalMart. Joe Joseph… OUT (and I do mean OUT gurl)!

    • Kaylee-Aurora

      Another light footed poet!

  • Billy Malcolm

    Lol I almost thought this was a serious article for a minute!

  • ChannelSixtyNine69

    I’m sticking to the purity of white poly-cotton 180 thread sheets. None of that homosexual inspired coloured pure cotton 1000 thread perversion. There is enough degeneration everywhere else without letting it into the bedroom. God Bless America.

  • Todd Tomorrow

    “Sateen Finish,”sheets are such a rip off of a thread count. Give me 500TC percale sheets any day.

  • Mark Bye

    Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. Someone needs to throw a bedsheet (or a fucking net) over you!

  • Hjcook

    Wow. This is definitely the most hilariously
    Shitty article I’ve ever read. LOLOL.

  • Gina Terese Larson

    So I just happened upon this article trying to find some sheets for my new bed and it’s the most disgustingly hateful piece of drivel that I have ever read….I guess I was nieve to the fact that people could really hate this much.