Retailers are pushing new lines of high-end bed sheets that are full of illicit innuendos, implications or encounters for married heterosexual couples.
There is concern about how these types of linens promote the hardcore homosexual agenda, but an even greater worry is the way they are attempting to redefine “family” and “real marriage.” They are supported in these efforts by subversive marketing campaigns that emasculate men and glorify unnatural sexual choices. While we should all support American-owned manufacturers employing hardworking citizens, we should not allow them to thrust a gay-inclusive lifestyle choice directly into the bedrooms of normal, happily married couples.
A recent visit to the Knoxville Walmart Supercenter highlighted the urgency of this issue. My husband was immediately drawn to a sleek package of bed wear and mentioned that he had read articles in the mainstream media about how thread count was important for comfort. Against this writer’s better judgment, he was allowed to purchase these overpriced items.
The sheets in question are made of “Egyptian Cotton,” which many will take offense at considering that the United States has been known as king of the world’s cotton production for over 400 years. The “Egyptian” element also suggests something exotic and erotic, bringing to mind the Muslim steam baths where naked, dark-skinned men rub each other down with “essential oils.” Furthermore, these linens come in a “Sateen Finish,” which is a type of slippery silk that makes it too easy to slide about at all hours. In person, it’s clear that this type of shiny finish was intended for the likes of the Playboy Mansion and not a Tennessee church community.
Finally, we should point out that the homosexual term “simple luxury” is featured prominently on this packaging. Luxury should be fulfilling and elaborate, not basic. In fact, “simplicity” has long been code for the cold emptiness of modernism, something celebrated by European designers who are more prone to socialism and sodomy than family values. We should also note that elite homosexual designers Nate Berkus and Thom Filicia both have bed sheet collections that feature just this type of “simple luxury.”
Walmart’s Refusal to Remain Neutral in the Culture War
Many couples will find that Walmart’s 1000-thread count sheets threaten the sanctity of the marriage bed. The sensual daintiness of this product encourages an effeminate appreciation of the male body. You might catch your husband draping himself in the flat sheet and staring into a mirror like a cross-dresser waiting to belt out “Diva’s Lament” on a cabaret stage in some ethnic neighborhood. The slick sateen can also lead to nudity, as some men find that the silken feeling excites their intimate areas. This can become a complicated issue for couples, particularly when you awaken at 5am to discover your partner tugging himself in a way that reminds a wife of her barren prospects as you’ve both lately given up the pretense of not thoroughly hating each other.
Ultimately, the experience with so-called luxury bedding does little to address the destructive reality of marriage in our “politically correct” times. It does nothing to reduce the eruptions of odor and noise that one must endure each night. It will not resolve any reproductive tensions but rather promotes the dishonesty of self-abuse. It brings the daily misery of cohabitation into sharp focus. Indeed, sateen stains easily as evidenced by the dried, dark puddle marks he leaves behind due to his numerous nocturnal visits to the bathroom. Those rustlings, along with the noise of your overly “urban” suburban street and the bile that burns through your chest when you consider how many decades you’ll have to wait before a heart attack or drunk driving accident obligingly rips that foul mass away, will prevent you from truly experiencing a decent night’s sleep in those cursed 1000-thread count sheets without the aid of an Ambien and a glass of chardonnay.
TAKE ACTION: Contact Walmart’s corporate headquarters and the Walton family directly and let them know you will boycott their bedding until decisive action is taken on this crucial issue. In the meantime, steer clear of Walmart’s linen aisle and encourage others to do the same so your family can avoid any premature conversations about subjects that they simply won’t understand.