I just broke free of meal kit mania!
After six hellacious months of Alaskan salmon and Meyer lemons, I finally said enough is enough!
It all seemed so thrilling at first. The muscled young deliveryman, that bulging package right at my door! The exotic meals, the fancy menu cards! I was delighted and my husband even stopped shouting about his Durango’s radiator coils long enough to pat my head and say, “Interesting!”
Much like the Democrat’s globalist liberalism, however, the incessant arrival of those bulky boxes quickly became a brutally unfair burden.
Brandon, the fellow from Fed Ex, was too rushed for a mug of coffee after the first few times. Even today, I find myself staring at the kitchen chair where he once sat sizzling in his tight-fitting uniform, like a tahini glazed catfish fillet on my skillet.
And the recipes themselves!
I felt like a line cook at some truckstop diner chopping and chopping and chopping vegetables all day long!
Don’t even get me started on all those insane little bowls you need! It’s enough to make you suspect that this company is secretly financed by the bowl industry! (What’s that, a globalist conspiracy in Obama’s America!!! Shocker!!!) Or maybe it’s Palmolive, because I ended up washing more dishes than I’d ever imagined. They had me using so many tools and tiny plates, that my delicate hands turned blue and my dishwasher just groaned from exasperation.
With the election happening and our world literally falling apart, I became so frazzled that the space age silver bags kept piling up in our fridge. I started to freak out and my husband stayed out later and later! He’d come home stinking of roadhouses and I’d be nibbling on raw ciabatta rolls, watching Fox News with rage in my eyes and he’d walk right past me and collapse into bed and my body would crave something more, as America craved so much more than Hillary Clinton!!!
I drove by Popeye’s after Trump took office and realized I hadn’t been there in months. I wept hot, pathetic tears in my Honda. How I’d missed that paper box of fried chicken staining my lap! That pile of damp french fries, all those squishy ketchup packets!
Then and there I decided I’d had enough of chickpea burgers and Udon noodles and cod dumplings and plum jam tacos! Radishes and kale and sweet potatoes no more!
This is a new America, sheeple, and it’s about time we follow our new president’s lead and eat what WE want!
How did I become such a robot? Where was this factory line of meal kit mechanization pushing me? Was it meant to dehumanize the most feminine of spaces, the home kitchen? Was this all a direct assault on the American family? Who could be behind such an insidious conspiracy?
It didn’t take much internet research to reveal that Wall Street and liberal technocrats secretly devised the whole Blue Apron Agenda. Not only did it make them billions, but it launched the next phase in the destruction of our freedom.
As we have seen with driverless cars, liberal globalist robots are taking over. They seek to make us subservient to their electric agenda. They want us weak, dumb and addicted. Much like Hillary Clinton’s elite technocrats, they fear heartland patriotism the most.
The Constitution is an affront to their leftwing feminist robot algorithms! That’s why it’s the only thing standing in the way of Blue Apron’s total planet-wide domination!
Trump’s unanimous electoral win snatched America away from the clutches of destruction just like my cancellation of Blue Apron saved my marriage from culinary globalism.
This is why I hate Artificial Intelligence with every fiber of my being. And you should, too! Anyone who’s seen WarGames or Lost in Space understands this. Those microchips just can’t compute the redeeming love of Jesus. So they’ve made us a target!
I’m grateful I escaped the grip of these robot overlords. I nearly lost my mind and my kitchen to their cruel intentions. And if Hillary had won, believe me, it would have gotten so much worse! “Everyone gets a Blue Apron!” Oprah would have shouted from the mountaintops!
Now I’m trying my best to lure my husband home before 10. American chop suey, cheeseburgers, mac & cheese, pizza and Popeye’s, how could a new man in Trump Nation resist that?