How Bill Gates Invented Web Porn and Saved Internet Explorer From the Dustbin of History

Posted on by Henricus Institor
Gates knew pornography was the key to catapulting Internet Explorer past Netscape.

Gates knew pornography was the key to catapulting Internet Explorer past Netscape in the ’90s browser wars.

It was 1995 and tech titan Bill Gates faced a serious problem. He had just released Internet Explorer 1 and it was an abject failure.

For years, Gates had dominated every aspect of personal computing, but an upstart company with a game-changing concept threatened his monopoly. That concept was to open up the nerd-centric, gray-toned “internet” with a nifty little tool known as a web browser. The man behind this revolutionary notion was Jim Clark and his great innovation was called Netscape Navigator.

Netscape Navigator was the first user-friendly internet browser. It was designed for a broad consumer audience and offered up a number of wholesome activities, from news and games, to stock data and sport scores. For early adapters, it was an enjoyable, family-oriented exercise. Netscape 1.0 did not, however, place much emphasis on image rendering, nor did it have video capabilities.

As Gates pondered his options, he drew upon his experiences in the late 80s and early 90s. At that time, there was a minor subculture of elite technologists who circulated crudely-composed pornographic photographs amongst themselves. These images were encoded in ascii text and posted on obscure bulletin board systems (BBSs). They then had to be downloaded over a dial-up connection to be viewed. Another form of this smut was known as ascii pr0n (pronounced ask me, prawn!). Gates himself was an avid participant in this world, albeit anonymously. His particular fetish was Japanese Aka-Chan Purei and vaginal ping pong athletics from Thailand. His collection, stored on row upon row of floppy disks housed in an antique curio cabinet once a part of the private library of Gilles de Rais, was considered nonpareil among his fellow aficionados.

Netscape dominated among healthy Americans and, in turn, gave them a nourishing pastime for their weekends. Gates saw this as a weakness. He knew there was a massive untapped audience of creeps and loners and freaks out there. The computer tycoon was determined to fulfill their vilest fantasies with IE 2.

Hardcore

Hardcore “ascii pr0n” was traded by elite technologists on secretive “BBSs” in the early days of the internet. (Click here to see the NSFW uncensored version.)

Make it fast and make it image friendly! Those were the principal dictates from porn-loving Gates to the Microsoft engineers working on the next version of Internet Explorer. Even the name, “explorer,” suggests a creepy older gentleman exploring the nubile thighs of an innocent Swedish housemaid. The finished product, released in the gloomy dead of winter in ’95, was a behemoth of programming that lunged over errors and inaccuracies in a web page’s coding to deliver the most lurid images as quickly as possible.

Yet there was still a lack of content for potential porn seekers. To address this, members of the Microsoft team pioneered the “thumbnail gallery post” or “TPG.” A TPG was a simple html page composed of a grid of naked images. Often they were hotlinked for closer inspection. Savvy marketers spread the word on message boards that this was the next big trend. They opined, of course, that the latest version of Internet Explorer was the best way to explore this garden of fleshy delights.

It may be difficult for younger readers to comprehend, but before TPGs most pornography was purchased surreptitiously from grizzled old men at late night magazine stands. Young people occasionally encountered “wild porn,” that is, damp and musty magazines left out in the woods or hidden in old barns, but that was quite rare.

TPG porn addiction spread wildly in the 90s and helped make Internet Explorer the world's top web browser.

TPG porn addiction spread wildly among voyeurs and loners in the ’90s and made Gates billions.

The Internet Explorer/TPG concept was a smash success. Microsoft began releasing a new IE every year just to keep up with the evolving coding formulations that X-rated websites employed. Online pornography had suddenly become a global industry. Microsoft was back on top of the computer business and dirty magazine stalls across the nation declared bankruptcy. By one estimate, TPG porn pages comprised 63% of all web content by 1997.

Bill Gates had created a monster. As horny teens joined the online army of voyeurs and perverts, new demands were being made upon the pornography industry. Microsoft knew that it had to innovate to keep IE relevant.

The next step was a natural one: video. Gates tapped Yale grad and bukkake fanatic Rob Glaser for this secret project.

Since 1991, Microsoft had bundled its Windows Media Player with its other products, but porn collectors did not find it particularly useful for their viewing pleasures. Gates was noticeably outraged by this and wanted a better option. He envisioned a flexible and efficient tool geared toward the types of homemade clips his army of self-gratifiers loved. Indeed, his profound hope was to one day see 18 seconds of a housewife and a German Shepherd frolicking animatedly on a web page with one simple click.

The result of the Glasser/Gates collaboration was RealPlayer, one of the first and most successful online video streaming tools of the 90s. It was secretly funded by Microsoft in its early years– plausible deniability being essential for Gates’ public image– and yet its backend was devised to piggyback Internet Explorer in every possible position.

Once again, Gates had a hit. RealPlayer became the streaming video player of choice among masturbation addicts. It was easily integrated into html websites. Users loved having the ability to stop and replay the most disgusting bits, to crank up the volume as their pale, sour bodies quivered with volcanic delight.

As the millennium drew to a close, Jim Clark’s Netscape was sadly banished to the dustbin of history. Bill Gates had been crowned King of the Internet by a populace of masturbators who stretched from one end of the Earth to the other. And the idyllic World Wide Web that honorable men had once hoped for? She was forever lost.

 

Netscape Navigator, right, was conceived of a family-oriented educational experience. Internet Explorer, on the other hand, was envisioned as high-speed porn delivery mechanism for perverts the world over.

Netscape Navigator (left) was conceived of as a family-oriented educational experience. Internet Explorer, on the other hand, was engineered to be a high-speed porn delivery device for perverts the world over.

Next Week: How Safari Made Homosexuality a Sassy Sensation in the Suburbs

 

About This Journalist

Henricus Institor is the “nom de plume” of a former Internet hacktivist and high ranking member of the atheist radical elite. Yet even there, amongst the most dangerous liberals in the world, he could not hide from God’s Calling. He was reborn in the Blood of Christ in 2011 and today “Henricus Institor” serves as HardDawn.com’s foremost expert on secret left wing agendas and global power conspiracies.

  • Kyle Stevens

    I remember when ascii porn would run uncensored in AOL chatrooms. You could never get an honest ASL!

  • Robert Bruner

    >>>but before TPGs most pornography was purchased
    surreptitiously from grizzled old men at late night magazine stand<<<

    This is absolute nonsense.
    By 1975 Pornography had already grown into a multibillion dollar
    business, with full link feature XXX films such as “Deep Throat” and “Devil in
    Miss Jones” even showing at major theaters. Also by that time, distribution was
    also utilizing VHS and BETA with distribution channels able to challenge any
    major motion picture company. Porn has, and will remain at the pinnacle of
    technology. Computers were just one more addition, and Microsoft’s incorporation
    of thumbnails through IE just one (of many) examples of that browser being competitive
    with Netscape at the time. IE was poised to dominate the browser universe for a
    period with or without pornography.

  • John Pierre

    The Devil who controlled the computer,internet,porn,multimedia,entertainment and news is Aleister Crowley