Is the Baseball Hat Industry Suppressing the Cure for Male Pattern Baldness?

Posted on by Stephenson Billings
An intricate web of super elites is behind the conspiracy to keep America balding.

An intricate web of super-elites is behind the conspiracy to keep America balding.

In the fall of 1998, two notorious billionaires met discretely over crusted veal to discuss the fate of millions of American men. The setting was Testa’s Restaurant, a regular dining spot for Palm Beach’s elitist of the elite. Local residents David Koch and Rush Limbaugh are often seen digging into plates of chicken cacciatore at the boisterous canteen on Royal Poinciana Way.

In attendance that afternoon was Jeffrey Epstein, a megalomaniacal financier whose magnificent mansion around the corner would become the sight of a major pedophilia investigation only a few years later. He held a secret dossier that had been flown in on his private 727 that morning.

That report from was truly groundbreaking.

A research lab in Chennai, India had achieved what many specialists had long thought impossible: they had found a cure for androgenic alopecia, a condition that currently afflicts close to 800 million worldwide. You might know the disease under its more common name: male pattern baldness.

A “Pattern” of Deception
The pharmaceutical industry has long hinted that a solution to male pattern baldness is just around the corner. Many would assume that such an invention would be hugely rewarding, but they fail to factor in the yearly profits generated by maintaining it as a societal ill. Just like cancer or chemtrail poisoning, there is far more money to be made servicing a population that never actually gets better. The fact is that the baldness industry simply employs too many union members, Madison Avenue advertising executives and Wall Street investment bankers for a cure to be beneficial to the upper strata of society.

Additionally, there are Orwellian gains to be made when a segment of the male population is kept emasculated and weak. For countless Americans, baldness is a devastating curse. It often strikes men just when they’ve hit their stride. They’ve become independent, moved away from their mothers and are exploring the breadth of their manhood. Then suddenly, their hairline begins to recede. They feel older than their years, hopeless, flaccid, impotent. Many just want to be left alone to quietly bald away in the solitude of their pathetic little apartments.

The Yankees are just one of the many major sports franchises that stands to lose billions if alopecia is cured.

The Yankees are just one of the many major sports franchises that stands to lose millions of fans if alopecia is cured.

Per Agenda 21, that infamous depopulation scheme proposed by the United Nations in 1992, a New World Order can only be achieved by eradicating American sovereignty. The best way to do that is to undermine the virile and patriotic core of the heartland. It is no surprise then, that one subculture openly celebrates the erotic possibilities of balding: radical homosexuals.

Clinton Cronies “Baldly” Profiting
Ron Burkle, the billionaire supermarket magnate, sat across from Epstein at that infamous 1998 meeting. Epstein and Burkle are better known today as the notorious “Friends of Bill” (FOBs) who mired the Clintons in a series of post-presidential scandals that continue to undermine Hillary’s White House aspirations.

On that sunny Florida day, however, the men were most concerned about a set of financial projections. They quickly surmised the obvious. A baldness cure would never be profitable. The government in New Delhi is known to be soft on patent protection. China would easily bootleg the drug for global markets. And Americans have absolutely no loyalty when it comes to their pharmaceutical suppliers.

At the time, Epstein managed $60 billion in private equity funds for some of the wealthiest families on the planet. His specialization was in the fashion sector and sports leagues. Burkle was similarly extended, having leveraged his fortune for a stake in the Sara Lee Company, which was in the process of selling off its Champion Sportswear division.

Castrating the Male Voter So That Hillary May Rise
According to a file almost completely redacted in the Jeffrey Epstein sex case and obtained from the William Jefferson Clinton Library through a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request, the chemical compound discovered in Chennai would not only stop balding, but also actuate follicle regeneration at a dramatic rate. In other words, men could regrow their hair in a matter of mere weeks or days with this newly discovered medication.

Such a miraculous cure would dramatically alter the male fashion industry. No longer would middle-aged men have to hide their shame beneath baseball caps! It would spur a revival of bareheadedness. You’d have guys with extravagant, luxurious manes leaving the internet behind to proudly rejoin the public sphere. We’d march down Main Street! Retake the beaches! Cruise the strip with our tops down! We’d have thick mounds of masculinity spilling over foreheads, draping to shoulders, flowing in the wind, brushing against our brothers as we rally for American greatness!

The menswear industry — and along with it our national sports franchises who depend on the profits of logoed accessories — would collapse if baldness were cured. Burkle and Epstein and their handlers at the pinnacle of the New World Order would lose hundreds of billions. The Clintons themselves would risk their viselike grip on power in this scenario as American men finally got sick of their socialistic pandering to the postmodern cult of male victimhood.

greathairIt’s not hard to guess what happened next. With Hillary Clinton’s approval, Burkle and Epsteign buried that secret dossier and both took aggressive stakes in Johnson & Johnson, the maker of Rogaine.

The war for hair rejuvenation has been an utter failure due to a combination of politics, money, greed and corruption — largely the result of an unholy alliance between Major League Baseball, the Clintons and the New World Order. Each group has much to gain by keeping the American public chained to the slave ship of baldness. Yet there is hope that one day, the chrome-domed amongst us will rise up against our super-elite masters and break open the storehouses!

We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter now, because we know there is a mountaintop of hair that awaits every bald man out there. I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a life with a lustrous mane. Long hair may even have its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will and make this nation great again. And He’s allowed me to dream of that mountaintop. And I’ve looked it over. And I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not grow it all back with you. But I want you to know that America will some day get to that Promised Land of really gorgeous hair! And it’s going to be huge!