Will Apple’s Phallic New Earbuds Clog Your Third Eye With Homoerotic Fantasies?

Posted on by Stephenson Billings
The earbud erectile hints at Apple's larger agenda for American sexuality.

The earbud erectile hints at Apple’s larger agenda for American sexuality.

Apple released its prototype for the iPhone 7 this week and to no one’s surprise, the extravagantly-priced cellphone was riddled with subliminal Illuminati imagery meant to emasculate the American populace.

The most glaring example of this is the new wireless earphones which are shockingly graphic in nature.

The staff of this highly-touted “innovation” is long and stiff, crudely depicting the erect male phallus. At its base, the rounded insertion piece brings to mind the gonads at the height of their potency when the sack is singular and engorged.

Others have pointed out that the slippery whiteness of these small delivery devices mimics spermatozoa as it shoots forth, aggravated and intent, from its fiery carnal canal. Another win for the masters of obnoxiously erogenous propaganda!

These earphones have been been dubbed “earbuds” by engineers at Apple and that is not without purpose. Indeed, the term “bud” is homosexual street slang for both marijuana and a playmate in an anonymous encounter. It should be noted that most “anon” gay “hook-ups” take place in public toilets and late night alleyways under the influence of extreme marijuana. Are you beginning to notice a pattern here?

When youths have this potpourri of throbbing erotic imagery thrust into their faces day after day, the results will be profound. Morality will be abandoned and promiscuity rates will skyrocket.

To facilitate all that hardcore gay action, the earphones are calibrated without any attachment wires. Thus, they will be dropped often, which means young men will be constantly bending over in public, exposing the buttocks with astonishing frequency. (Some will even enjoy it!) Among the mountain gorillas of Uganda, this is a common tactic to initiate penetration in that region of the body and there’s no reason not to expect a sodomy crisis emerging on the homefront in the coming months.

Experts have been warning us for years that the Apple Corporation’s relentless pursuit of the teen and twenty-something market may have a perverted purpose, and now the evidence is clear.

Apple’s creamy white “earbud” design looks suspiciously like spermatozoa flooding the reproductive canal.

Critics have noted that Apple’s creamy white “earbud” design looks suspiciously like spermatozoa.

On a more neuroscientific level, the earphone seems uniquely conceived to disrupt our sense of morality, particularly when it comes to our sacred obligations to family.

Human beings are gifted with the ability of spiritual insight through something known as the “Third Eye.” It is located millimeters within our foreheads, but infuses our auras with a subatomic electrical field barely detectable by quantum mechanical methods. Through this powerful hard drive of the soul, we are able to discern the higher truths of existence, knowledge that both the Apple Corporation and the Illuminati want to keep from us.

The most successful way to disrupt our perception of the New World Order plot to seize our guns, corrupt our families and install Hillary Clinton’s global vaginarchy is by flooding our minds with sweaty masculine desires. This has been attempted before through the use of smart meters and high tech refrigerators that have since been linked to the proliferation of so-called “twink” and “bear” pornography.

Would it surprise you to learn that these new Apple earbuds are jam packed with chelated gypsum, which is made entirely from a Monsanto corn-based product? Would it also shock you to know that this gypsum is one of the chief causes of scrofulous humors and bilious attacks that clog our third eye’s inner mechanisms?

Scrofulous humors are well known as a catalyst for radical homosexuality. The mind is literally drowned by garishly-hued images of frottage, edging, bondage and power bottoming as the reproductive organs swell with the disease. (This is in addition to the fantasies of masturbation, group sex, public exhibitionism, latex, role-play and furries that Apple fanboys are already afflicted with.) Traditionally, homosexual inflammation was spread through personal contact, street recruitment or the secret messages of the liberal media. Now, with the iPhone earbud tool, insatiable man-on-man lust will be transmitted directly into the minds of our most hardbodied youths with just a few clicks.

In a world where Super Homosexuals are now recognized as some of the most dangerous predators around, maybe it’s no longer shocking that Monsanto-based, Apple-engineered global sodomy pandemics have become the new normal.

  • Blanche Beecham

    The agenda is to make everyone a Super Gay Radical for the new world order. Is there anything more chilling than the thought of being a “Bud” or “Lil’ Buddy” in one of these anonymous hooker ups, probably in the shady tree-lined area off the interstate rest area where one might stop off to relieve symptoms of IBS from that taco truck burrito.

    • Stephenson_Billings

      What gets me is that Hillary is doing this right in front of everybody’s eyes and all they want to talk about is Syria and Russia and Trump U. What a distraction!

      • Blanche Beecham

        She’s recruiting for the DC coven and needs the “sex magik” to get elected. I hope Mr. Trump is wearing his cross.

        • Abba Scodilli

          Sex with Trump . First rate scandal that!

        • Kaylee-Aurora

          I just can’t understand why Hillary never really committed herself to Bill and kept her marriage intact. Instead she was running around the country playing lawyer. Being a president is like being in a marriage and clearly Hillary does have committment issues!!!!

          • WhoBeen

            As a close associate of Hillary once said, “Could it be that Hillary is gay?”

    • Abba Scodilli

      Leave the gays alone Blanche. What they do should not concern you…

    • jo

      honestly i wish i was a super gay radical

  • Abba Scodilli

    Wow, just read this ‘article’. Master Billings! You have outdone yourself with this! Such paranoid/homophobic/homoerotic nonsense! Do you and your Holy Triad (Blanche/Kaylee/Master B :3) actually believe…, this?!?!

    A lot of people ask this… Is yer site satire/comedic/supposed to be funny? If not, yer all nutty loons…

    Luv ya Blanche, yer FB page IS kinda disturbing tho…
    Master B, master of cereal box credential gathering and writes funny stuff
    Kaylee, loyal nieve follower, poor thing…

    • Stephenson_Billings

      Anoither Hillarybot full of ad hominen attacks not facts!

      • Abba Scodilli

        Maybe attacks for your ‘facts’ LOL! Oh and I have a surprise for you… I’m a canadian! So I care not who becomes your US President as long as its not that despot Trump. That would be really bad for you guys down there you know. Dunno how that meglo-maniac is still even running! Wow!!!!

        So. These are your life views? Nutty Loons you are! You should make up a new group, you and your holy triad. Call it PAMFLGBTAWisNWC – Or People Against Masturbating Fun LGBT and Anyone Who is Not White Christians. I bet you will find all the crackpots! Go motivate some children with all your silly soda bottles or something.

        • Bradley Beer


          • Abba Scodilli

            You def used ingrate in the wrong context… Youza ignorant all caps text typer! 😛 Please, calm yourself and relax…

          • Bradley Beer

            I meant you don’t appreciate the tools at your disposal, viciously mocking them by asking spouting such nonsense, but I can see it looks like I’m using the word “ingrate” instead of a word insulting your intelligence.

          • Abba Scodilli

            Oh, you mean ignorant? No, I think my attacks of the Holy Triad are spot on! Why did you get involved anyway? It was none of your business. And if you want to loose your ignorance look up Billings. Blanche. and Kaydee. They are all on facebook, and are all brimstone spitting misguided evangelists who hate everyone unless they are all god fearing white straight folk! A google search would have told YOU that so go away!

          • Bradley Beer

            No, I didn’t mean that, I said what I meant and even clarified. You’re so cringy I don’t know whether you’re trying to be a part of the joke or if you’re just a moron.

            If you’re seriously unconvinced that this website is satire, say the name of it really quickly.

          • Abba Scodilli

            I know its satire – but those three I mentioned actually believe their stuff! Its right on their FB pages. I like to attack em, you should go away. I write rebuttals to their nonsense. Its fun! Don’t attack me unless I attack you, got it?

  • Cun T. J.

    Fuck you sir, You are a cunt who just spreads non-sense on the internet,

  • it’s ya boi. Skinny penis


  • Erudito

    what kind of homophobic christian bullshit is this??