Will Apple’s Phallic New Earbuds Clog Your Third Eye With Homoerotic Fantasies?

Posted on by Stephenson Billings
The earbud erectile hints at Apple's larger agenda for American sexuality.

The earbud erectile hints at Apple’s larger agenda for American sexuality.

Apple released its prototype for the iPhone 7 this week and to no one’s surprise, the extravagantly-priced cellphone was riddled with subliminal Illuminati imagery meant to emasculate the American populace.

The most glaring example of this is the new wireless earphones which are shockingly graphic in nature.

The staff of this highly-touted “innovation” is long and stiff, crudely depicting the erect male phallus. At its base, the rounded insertion piece brings to mind the gonads at the height of their potency when the sack is singular and engorged.

Others have pointed out that the slippery whiteness of these small delivery devices mimics spermatozoa as it shoots forth, aggravated and intent, from its fiery carnal canal. Another win for the masters of obnoxiously erogenous propaganda!

These earphones have been been dubbed “earbuds” by engineers at Apple and that is not without purpose. Indeed, the term “bud” is homosexual street slang for both marijuana and a playmate in an anonymous encounter. It should be noted that most “anon” gay “hook-ups” take place in public toilets and late night alleyways under the influence of extreme marijuana. Are you beginning to notice a pattern here?

When youths have this potpourri of throbbing erotic imagery thrust into their faces day after day, the results will be profound. Morality will be abandoned and promiscuity rates will skyrocket.

To facilitate all that hardcore gay action, the earphones are calibrated without any attachment wires. Thus, they will be dropped often, which means young men will be constantly bending over in public, exposing the buttocks with astonishing frequency. (Some will even enjoy it!) Among the mountain gorillas of Uganda, this is a common tactic to initiate penetration in that region of the body and there’s no reason not to expect a sodomy crisis emerging on the homefront in the coming months.

Experts have been warning us for years that the Apple Corporation’s relentless pursuit of the teen and twenty-something market may have a perverted purpose, and now the evidence is clear.

Apple’s creamy white “earbud” design looks suspiciously like spermatozoa flooding the reproductive canal.

Critics have noted that Apple’s creamy white “earbud” design looks suspiciously like spermatozoa.

On a more neuroscientific level, the earphone seems uniquely conceived to disrupt our sense of morality, particularly when it comes to our sacred obligations to family.

Human beings are gifted with the ability of spiritual insight through something known as the “Third Eye.” It is located millimeters within our foreheads, but infuses our auras with a subatomic electrical field barely detectable by quantum mechanical methods. Through this powerful hard drive of the soul, we are able to discern the higher truths of existence, knowledge that both the Apple Corporation and the Illuminati want to keep from us.

The most successful way to disrupt our perception of the New World Order plot to seize our guns, corrupt our families and install Hillary Clinton’s global vaginarchy is by flooding our minds with sweaty masculine desires. This has been attempted before through the use of smart meters and high tech refrigerators that have since been linked to the proliferation of so-called “twink” and “bear” pornography.

Would it surprise you to learn that these new Apple earbuds are jam packed with chelated gypsum, which is made entirely from a Monsanto corn-based product? Would it also shock you to know that this gypsum is one of the chief causes of scrofulous humors and bilious attacks that clog our third eye’s inner mechanisms?

Scrofulous humors are well known as a catalyst for radical homosexuality. The mind is literally drowned by garishly-hued images of frottage, edging, bondage and power bottoming as the reproductive organs swell with the disease. (This is in addition to the fantasies of masturbation, group sex, public exhibitionism, latex, role-play and furries that Apple fanboys are already afflicted with.) Traditionally, homosexual inflammation was spread through personal contact, street recruitment or the secret messages of the liberal media. Now, with the iPhone earbud tool, insatiable man-on-man lust will be transmitted directly into the minds of our most hardbodied youths with just a few clicks.

In a world where Super Homosexuals are now recognized as some of the most dangerous predators around, maybe it’s no longer shocking that Monsanto-based, Apple-engineered global sodomy pandemics have become the new normal.