Men get a lot of blame for the insensitive and asinine things they do in relationships. The truth is that we’re far from perfect and we know it. When it comes to women, however, there seems to be an unspoken rule that any sort of criticism is unwarranted, counterproductive or even dangerous. As men, we’re confused and intimidated about speaking our minds, even when that openness has a healthy, moral spirit behind it.
Today, let’s break down that barrier and share some of the most common issues that girls need to address if they care about being better lovers, wives, friends and partners. We have chosen some of the most glaring and easily resolvable female problems that erupt on a daily basis. For the sake of brevity, childbearing and parenting dilemmas are not included.
Ladies, please consider this list as a launching pad as you embark on a mission to improve yourselves and your ability to respect the men in your life!
1. Starting a conversation in the middle of a thought.
2. Talking faster when they sense men starting to lose interest.
3. Assuming that men know exactly what they’re thinking.
4. Going into too much detail about what they’re thinking.
5. Never getting to the point in an important conversation.
6. Using “little baby talk” to get men to be tender.
9. Playing coy and distant when a man tries to ask them on a date.
10. Being obsessively domineering once the date is made, demanding confirmation of the itinerary, appropriate attire and a full report of the man’s expectations for the evening.
11. Being critical if the proposed restaurant does not appear expensive, trendy or clean enough.
12. Asking too many questions about the restaurant’s specials.
13. Not ordering any of the good appetizers.
14. Ordering the second most expensive thing on the menu (and thinking he won’t notice).
15. Complaining about the free meal between shoveling forkfuls of it down her throat.
16. Checking her cellphone repeatedly at the table.
17. Being insanely picky about what movies to watch, without showing the slightest consideration for the fact that men have no interest in those annoying romantic comedies.
18. Preparing for her exit hours before that quick kiss on the cheek in the post-movie sidewalk crowd.
19. Never answering the dozen or so phone messages the man has been considerate enough to leave her to see if she has arrived home safely.
20. Not warning men when the calendar says they have a day of shameful moodiness ahead.
21. Blaming men for being indifferent to their awful moods.
22. Complaining when a man tries everything to calm down a woman in an awful mood.
23. Using their moodiness as an excuse to throw histrionic fits and unload on the laundry list of mistakes they believe the man has made.
24. Acting superior towards their men.
25. Acting judgmental towards their men.
26. Acting critical towards their men.
27. Acting judgmental and critical about themselves.
28. Assuming that all men secretly want to reveal their vulnerable, delicate sides.
29. Assuming that all men have painful, traumatic memories that they are repressing.
30. Assuming they can help men to deal with these painful, traumatic memories if they keep needling them about it.
31. Needling men with annoying, emotional conversations immediately after the conclusion of intercourse.
32. Crying so much when they do something very wrong that the man feels sorry instead of getting justifiably angry.
33. Thinking that all that crying somehow means that their relationship has developed to the next level.
34. Not informing the man that their relationship has moved on that next level.
35. Waking up just before the alarm so they can monopolize the bathroom.
36. Staining the sink and the bathroom towels with all sorts of powders and polishes.
37. Never wiping the porcelain beneath the toilet seat after a particularly explosive episode, even though it’s the first thing men see when they lift up the seat to pee.
38. Spending so much time in the bathroom that the man only has two minutes to get ready for work or groom for a night out.
39. Using up all the hot water.
40. Interrupting a man shaving.
41. Interrupting a man showering.
42. Interrupting a man on the toilet.
43. Avoiding the potential for sexual intercourse in these aforementioned situations, even though the man finds such spontaneity so vital in a long-term relationship.
44. Cutting hair too short.
45. Hair extensions.
46. Press-on fingernails.
47. Gold teeth covers.
49. Wearing low, clunky black shoes.
50. Walking too loudly in those clunky black shoes.
51. Accenting their style with pompous hats.
52. Wrapping fussy, flamboyant scarves around their necks, even though men find the things ridiculous and unattractive.
59. Forgetting to shave legs and armpits before the weekend.
60. Taking far too long to dress up.
61. Not dressing up enough.
62. Ignoring one’s own putrid body odor.
63. Drowning themselves in heavy perfumes.
64. Failing to present oneself in a sexually alluring manner as a public proclamation of her man’s libidinal prowess.
65. Dressing like a tramp for everyone in town to see.
66. Adopting a French accent when they speak any foreign word, even if it’s an Hispanic surname or something on a Chinese takeout menu.
67. Talking when driving.
68. Talking when eating.
69. Talking during television, especially during the good commericals.
70. Talking to men about things that happened while in the car.
71. Talking to men about things that happened at the supermarket.
72. Calling men on their cellphones while driving to the supermarket, just to say “Hi.”
73. Talking about other women’s slutty clothing choices in graphic detail.
74. Talking about how much other women’s husbands make.
75. Assuming men want to listen in on their cellphone conversations so they talk loudly.
76. Using feminism to make men more chivalrous.
77. Picking up sassy mannerisms from hairstylists.
78. Picking up expensive, flamboyant tastes from interior decorators.
79. Assuming all gay men will be as fun and interesting as that guy Cam on Modern Family.
80. Drinking alcohol when they have little tolerance for it.
81. Drinking alcohol with gay men so they can act like they’re on Sex & the City.
82. Apologizing profusely when drunk.
83. Wearing lipstick to bed after a night of drinking.
84. Voting with their hearts and not their minds.
85. Becoming far too involved in the lives of celebrities.
86. Not carrying the one when multiplying.
87. Breastfeeding openly in public and then getting angry when men watch.
88. Never carrying anything actually useful in their purses, like a boxcutter or a bottle opener.
89. Never understanding the difference between a screwdriver and a Phillips Head screwdriver.
90. Believing that men have a special “gender privilege” and being terribly bitter about it.
91. Using the internet while menstruating.
99. And then needling again.
100. Joking about kicking men “in the nuts.”
101. Pepper spray.
102. Lace curtains.
105. Subscription to People.
106. Fanning out magazines on the coffee table.
107. Openly displaying romance novels with shirtless men on the cover.
108. Having a detailed story for every tchotchke and gewgaw in the house.
109. Thinking that guests want to hear every story about every tchotchke and gewgaw in the house.
110. Losing interest any time the conversation turns to an important memento from the man’s past, even though there is a hilarious and fascinating story behind it.
111. Shrinking men’s jeans in the washer so they barely fit.
112. Losing men’s socks in the dryer.
113. Failing to replenish a low sock supply with new purchases.
114. Buying a man colorful, effeminate socks that embarrass him at work.
115. Over-decorating the kitchen (it’s like a boiler room with food, don’t overthink it ladies!).
116. Unsalted popcorn.
118. Rice cakes.
119. Forgetting to buy ketchup.
120. Complicating dinner with salads and expensive condiments.
121. Overcooking the steak.
122. Undercooking the vegetables.
123. Not using enough butter.
124. Being intimidated by the thought of handmade french fries.
125. Replacing french fries with asparagus on the Sunday night menu.
126. Not realizing that a Domino’s pizza will always be more satisfying than the Tibetan cabbage couscous medley that it took 3 hours and $47 to prepare.
127. Being possessive of the salt and pepper shakers during mealtime.
128. Staring at men when they eat, as if every chew could turn into a glowing proclamation of love.
129. Sighing heavily after each spoonful of meat stew.
130. Using the dinner table to drop unpleasant news because they know the man can’t escape if he’s still eating.
131. Not letting men surf the web in private.
132. Using flimsy excuses to borrow a man’s computer so they can peek at his browser history.
133. Getting upset when their snooping reveals explicit websites that the man wouldn’t need to look at if his wife wasn’t such an overbearing snoop in the first place.
134. Dominating every room of the house with their fussy interior decorating and loud telephone talk so that the only place a man can find peace is in the basement.
135. Threatening men with the thought of refinishing the basement.
138. Dancing With the Stars.
139. Failing to appreciate Hardcore Pawn, Top Gear, Cops and Dog the Bounty Hunter.
140. Clanging pots and pans loudly in the kitchen when men watch Hardcore Pawn, Top Gear, Cops and Dog the Bounty Hunter.
141. Self-consciously laughing while reading a book or surfing the web in bed, in the hope that the man will ask, “What’s so funny?”
142. Giving up on scratching a man’s back after only 30 seconds or whenever the topic of conversation changes.
143. Weeping pathetically.
144. Humming romantically.
145. Politics after midnight.
146. Complaining that it’s too hot but being too lazy to open the window.
147. Waking up every time the man gets up to use the toilet.
148. Using those moments when you’re both awake at 3am to start a conversation about some deep, momentous topic.
149. Nudging and rolling the man from the center of the bed.
150. Stealing the blankets.
154. Being uncooperative if a man feels romantic at 4am.
155. Scowling during intercourse.
156. Laughing during intercourse.
157. Looking bored during intercourse.
158. Asking, “Aren’t you done yet?”
159. Asking if the man needs help reaching completion, only to give up two minutes later with a sarcastic guffaw.
Men, please feel free to add your own ideas in the comments section below!