13 Mysteries of Lesbians Revealed!

Posted on by Stephenson Billings

obamafeministsRecently we asked readers to send in their questions about this week’s topic: “Lesbians!” Thanks for the great response everyone and we hope that our answers below help!

1. Why are they always so grouchy? – Claire, Cambridge
When we encounter lesbians in our daily lives, it’s often when they’ve just emerged from the comfort of their nests. They’re sleepy and hungry and react angrily when surprised by curious onlookers and coworkers with requests.

2. What’s with all the motorcycles? -Doug in Fresno
Many lesbians live in coastal areas where motorbikes are great for quick beer runs and dodging falling trees during hurricanes. They also provide ready access to secretive mating grounds hidden deep within our state parks.

3. Are lesbians and gays bitter enemies? – Philip G., Tampa
No one is quite sure how or when the feud between these two groups started, but today they abide by a fragile truce. Men who attempt to partake in the grim world of lesbian nightlife are refused drinks and elbowed out the door, while lesbians who dare venture inside flamboyant boutiques are met with stony silences from salesmen who are otherwise quite sassy.

4. Is what they do to each other really sex? – Seth, Vancouver
It’s common for men to underestimate the ingenuity of lesbians, but many have spent years doing crafts or else in the carpentry trades. If you’ve ever seen one handle a power drill, you start to get the idea.

5. Do some women do it just to get back at their husbands? – Carlos65
I have to wonder if men who ask this question are secretly fantasizing about having a threesome. Well buddy, you didn’t have a chance then and you certainly don’t have a chance now.

6. Why are there so many of them on the internet? – Liam, Boulder
Those aren’t really lesbians. Those are old guys watching you jack it on cam.

7. Are the butch ones dangerous? – Ms. Pamela G., St. Louis
Extremely! Do not under any circumstances criticize k.d. lang or flannel summer wear in their presence.

8. What are my chances of finding two for a threesome? – HotDaddyHouston@*****.com
None, Carlos.

9. Are the ones in the porno films real? – LN, Seattle
If you consider silicone, animal collagen and vaginal bleaching to be real, then yes, these women are quite authentic. It should be noted, however, that some anti-pornography conspiracy theorists have suggested that their orgasms may not be real.

10. I’ve heard that the majority of prostitutes are lesbians. Is this true? – BeamerBro77
If you’re paying, does it really matter what their lives are like outside of the motel room?

11. A lesbian in a coffee shop scared me once and now my girlfriend thinks I’m gay. Help! – Patrick, Redondo Beach
If your sex life isn’t proof enough for your girlfriend, then maybe you really are gay. Plus, shrieking Help! at the end of a sentence is sort of considered a telltale sign.

12. I’d like to have a lesbian friend so I can learn about their culture, but I never seem to meet any of them. – Pat in Vermont
Like many others, it’s easy to take comfort in the vast resources of the internet. Do a simple Google search for “lesbian videos” and you’ll discover a wonderful library of intimate portraits and exciting tales that reveal the triumphs of lesbian culture in all its glory.

13. Can they really bring me good luck? – Molly, Age 8.
You’re thinking of leprechauns there, princess.